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Newest Member: BrnEyes777 (45750)

User Topic: a hopeful post!
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday I posted about a dream that has been torturing me. What to do with it? Should I share with h? How would he react? I was afraid but I did it anyway. Bravery! Acting in spite of the fear, another baby step.

He was great. He handled it so well, was compassionate, comforting, empathic!

It really does help! I was beginning to wonder if the idea that it would help was not real, was just me grasping at straws for some relief.

It seems that the biggest breakthrough for him was finally "getting it", the pain is real. Well, I could have told him that! I did, over and over, I showed it everyday, I live it everyday.

He started earnestly reading on SI this week, in the JFO forum, painful stuff. He didn't run away from it or just look for the positive stories. He faced the pain that he inflicted, saw in others the pain that he observed in me.

Thank you SI and everyone that has shared their raw pain. It seems he needed to see the universal pain, he needed to hear the same words from others that he heard from me. He was having trouble grasping that this much pain was even possible.

The words that I heard from him last night, the feelings that I felt from him, it felt real. It was soothing. It helped so much to hear him say, "I would be devastated", "that must have been horrible for you", "what can I do to help you?" and not to have my emotions minimized or feel like I was expressing my deepest and yes shameful, because I do feel shame, to a wall.

I think, I hope, I pray that this is him "getting it".

Is it real? Is it sustainable? Can he be consistent?

I know there will be set backs, I know we will make mistakes. If, if, if the good can outweigh the bad. If the effort is maintained. I want so badly for this to work, to come out on the other side together.

I really don't understand why he couldn't believe what was in front of him. Maybe it was to painful for him to admit, maybe he just wasn't ready to face himself.

I pray this is real.

I pray he is able to remain strong.

Today I feel some relief, I know I need a lot more, but for today, I will appreciate what he was able to give and enjoy the feeling.

[This message edited by cantaccept at 5:11 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post cantaccept!

Sorry about another dream. I still get them too. I have shared them occasionally with wife...she too is supportive.

Your husbands interactions are note worthy....we cant change each other but we damn sure can influence each other. His influence is welcoming and you will feel you can share more with him in the future. This is great step to a healthy marriage.

God be with you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what a great follow up post!

Is it real? Is it sustainable? Can he be consistent?

I know there will be set backs, I know we will make mistakes. If, if, if the good can outweigh the bad. If the effort is maintained. I want so badly for this to work, to come out on the other side together.

Yes, there will be mistakes and set backs. But keep moving forward. Keep trying. Day by day, little by little!! Its all we can do.

I had the same fears...i still do at times.

One thing i did to keep the positive momentum going was to write down the epic milestone moments....carry it with you....keep it handy. On the days when you feel down, lost...on the days when mistakes are made...pull out the paper....read the milestone and remember how epic it was, and how great it made you feel. Remember that there is hope!!

big hugs to you!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrow,

That is a wonderful idea!

I am going to buy a small journal to carry with me.

It is so easy to get lost in the moment, especially the bad ones and loose sight of the big picture. Try to remember this is just one moment of many.

My biggest hope right now is that going forward the good moments out number the bad.

Not talking happy but honest emotions, honest talk, comfort and empathy.

I still need consistency and time to truly believe, to regain trust.

No matter what, I will be ok. Now, after all this time, I want our marriage to work, but I do not need it to live a full and happy life.

I will survive...call me Gloria.

Do you even know that song? Showing my age.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1473 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAHAHA!! totally know that song....sing it, live it, love it!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38696 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter what, I will be ok.

THIS ^^^ is what the healing is all about. YOU will be ok and hopefully he is right there with you, showing support.

The best part about doing this together is the knowing that you will both fall on occasion. Thats ok, because when you start to heal and come together to work as a team you have each other to lean on.

Continue to share your hurt and happiness with him. It creates a bond and a strong, healthy bond between two people is tough to break.

Congrats, keep it up.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
lordhasaplan?
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1924 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 9

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