I read somewhere forgiveness means never bringing it up. I myself don't believe that but if you have forgiven him and no more questions and never ever trigger, and you feel comfortable than don't bring it up.
The WS never wants to bring it up. It is a reminder of what idiots they were. I wonder if they would just out of the blue say "I'm so sorry for what I did to you and us honey." if that would help us.
Dallas, whomever told you forgiveness means never bringing it up was a moron.... sorry if it was someone important to you. But they are just dead wrong.
Namaste, I'm almost 6 years out, and I've wrestled with those same feelings from time to time. This is what I did.... I would sit on it for a little while. I would try to figure out what was really going on, what was making me trigger or think about the A again all of the sudden. Most often, it was nothing A related at all. The A was the reason for so many of my negative feelings for so many years, that I forgot that I could actually have bad feelings about other things as well. So it became easy and comfortable to "go to" the A when I was upset. I had to teach myself how to not do that by talking to myself and figuring out what was really bothering me, and why.
Sometimes it was actually the sadness from the A that was bothering, but most often it wasn't.
I also took this time to work on moving quickly past my triggers or feelings. Not ignoring them, not pretending they didn't exist, but I would spit out a sentence or two to my H about what was bothering me A wise, and then I would change the topic and life would go on. I got to get my piece out, and he was aware it was bothering me, but we were both aware that it wasn't really a major issue for me anymore. Just a niggle, if you will.
Do what feels right for YOU, that is what matters right now.
The A was the reason for so many of my negative feelings for so many years, that I forgot that I could actually have bad feelings about other things as well. So it became easy and comfortable to "go to" the A when I was upset. I had to teach myself how to not do that by talking to myself and figuring out what was really bothering me, and why.
Good for me to read this...gels up what I recently started to ponder. Seems like I have processed enough of the hurt from my wifes A that I am starting to accept that real-life outside of adultery can be a hurt all on its own. So I, too, sit on pain longer...really question if it is tied to my wife A...seems like I naturally want to tie all pain and disappointment to my wifes A. And that is not healthy.
I am hoping since I am aware of this that it wont happen.
Reading your posts tells me I am on to something true....thank you.
namaste32...sorry, at only 13 months out I am still processing the initial pain of adultery. Cant offer you any good advice. I am surprised to read Sisoons answer to your post....he would have been my suggestion for advice.
Sisoon, this honest admission by you furthers my respect for you. A man with strong character knows his limitations. I have suffered from the sin of pride...am working on that.
God be with us all.