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Saadnblu posted 10/10/2013 06:52 AM

I so much appreciate this site; I could not have survived without it, over the past 4 months. Much of the time I seem to be ok, sometimes even happy and looking forward to a bright future. Other times, I feel myself careening down the slope of the roller coaster, no bottom in sight. Like now.

My son will be with my husband for the next several days, and though I will be busy, my heart feels terrible after dropping him at the bus stop.

Plus I got triggered badly when the stbx traveled this week to the city where he rented an apartment for his affair. I contacted him with my feelings. I've found that this is almost always a disaster--and leaves me feeling terrible.

It's four months out from DDAy and I am still on the roller coaster. It's so saddening to think its going be like this for the foreseeable future, and that the divorce is coming too.

I woke up yesterday morning with the realization that I am now solely responsible for myself, for the rest of my life. My mother is gone, my stepfather is getting pretty old, and my friends are dealing with their own lives. It's ok, I know I can manage it, but it makes me pretty sad.

Thank you all for listening, and understanding.

SBB posted 10/10/2013 08:34 AM

4 months in I was still walking around in a functioning fog and pretty much in shock.

Someone here said this to me when I was where you are now:
"Sometime soon this won't be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened".

They were spot on.

Please read up on NC/180. NC = No New Hurts.

We all fall off the NC wagon a bunch in the beginning. Until we notice we are hurting ourselves with it. It takes a little while to get to the D.O.N.E. part.

((Saadnblu)) I'm almost 2 years out from DD and I still get dips on this damned rollercoaster. The bouts are nowhere near as intense, don't last anywhere near as long and are happen much much further apart.

Be gentle with yourself. I was impatient too and wanted to rush through this bit. Unfortunately there is no short-cut (trust me, I've looked!).

The only way through it is through it.

I will say it won't always hurt this bad. NC is key for that. NC = Detachment = Healing.

I honestly never thought I'd be able to detach. I was so invested in that guy. These days barely recognise my old self in that M let alone his fucked-up arse.

You are going to be OK.

I've been reading my old posts from that horrible time (yay - Platinum!) and they are so weird to read now. I remember posting them, I remember feeling that way but I can't for the life of me see WHY on earth I had those feelings for this horrible man who did such horrible things pre and post DD.

MovingUpward posted 10/10/2013 09:20 AM


You are dealing with quite in bit in just 4 months. The rollercoaster will probably continue for awhile but it should start to slow down and be less severe highs and lows. Keep posting to get your thoughts and emotions out so they aren't building up inside of you.

hangingontohope7 posted 10/10/2013 09:31 AM

I'm a little over 3 months from DDay #2. (DDay #1 was 5 years ago.)

And, I'm feeling right about where you are. Sending the kids off is truly the hardest part for me. The anxiety that I feel for about 2 hours before drop-offs and pick-ups is nauseating.

NC has gotten a lot easier in the past 6 weeks. I haven't sent my STBXWH any emails or text concerning my feelings. Its strictly about the children. I don't even acknowledge much about the divorce settlement because I figure that's why I'm paying an attorney.

When I think about breaking NC, I get a pain in the pit of my stomach. I am learning that it will do no good to express how much he is hurting me. It will give him too much control and he no longer deserves to have any space in my head or my heart. My IC convinced me to start a journel. That helps a lot, along with posting here.

Be gentle with yourself and let the emotions come. Sit with them, process them. It won't always be this way.


Saadnblu posted 10/11/2013 20:44 PM

Thank you, everyone, that's very helpful. Thank you for sharing your insights and struggles.

I have to communicate with Stbx on matters about my son, but can't cross the line into talking about feelings. It's hard but it's essential for recovery. It's also counterintuitive. I want to make him feel guilty, or I just need the contact with him, as I feel so lonely and so sad.

It's funny, this last go-round I was not so much upset about the possibility that he was with someone else but that he could be lying to me about it. It was so humiliating to me, when i found out, how he lied to me for so long, and how I kept loving him. It still is.

It's a matter of reclaiming my own self worth and dignity, and in time, moving on with my life. I don't want to let him steal my future from me.

Reading others' stories is awe-inspiring, everyone's resilience and their determination to survive,

I'll read up again on the 180 and post here. Thanks a million!

Saadnblu posted 10/11/2013 20:51 PM

And ( ((hangingontohooe7))). Thank you for sharing how you are doing, I understand the anxiety around the transition time wi the kids. Having kids in the equation adds a dimension of distress and pain that is so hard. Sounds like you are doing really well on the NC--just want you to know you are not alone.

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