I packed all of her things into the car and told her to leave. She refused. She told me some of what was going on. I made her call him and tell him it's over. Seems they were getting together tonight.
Now she wants to get a baby sitter so we can go out tonight. I of course want to say yes but I don't.
I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here? How do I ever trust her again?
I don't even know what to post here.
Take care of yourself. Eat, drink, try to sleep. see a counselor for you and an attorney. I am not saying you are headed for divorce. Just knowledge is so helpful.
Sounds like you have kids. Take care of them too..
I really am sorry that you find yourself here as BS but here is the best place to be for support.
I need to channel this anger into something.
Think of yourself now. BE SELFISH but be there for your kiddos. They don't know what's going on and you need to protect them.
Give yourself time. DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS NOW!
She took two years from you. Now you take your time FOR you!
Keep posting, we have been there...
The best advice I can give you, is to NOT lose the momentum you have going right now by softening your stance. She cheated, you forgave, and she disrespected you AGAIN by continuing the A for years. That's some major disrespect IMO.
Great move by packing her bags and telling her to leave, but...you did not enforce it. Every time you say you are going to do something and don't follow through, you are teaching them that they have the upper hand, and that they can talk, smooze, manipulate, and worm their way out of anything.
You will never have more influence over the future outcome of your situation than you do at this very moment. You MUST strike while the iron is hot, and in my situation SHOCK and AWE was what worked for me.
And for me that meant getting a lawyer, finding out what my rights were, and immediately separating. Nothing sends a message of 'DON'T EVEN THINK YOU CAN FUCK WITH ME' like that does.
Filing for D, separating, etc...does NOT mean you eventually have to follow through and D. You can stop the process at any point, but, in order to send the above message, and to protect yourself financially, seeing a lawyer is of paramount importance.
So you say you need to 'do' something, well, start making a list of good lawyers and start making appointments. Definitely meet with several, their initial consultation fees are little to none.
Also, go get tested for STD's and insist your WW do the same. Make sure she has her docs office release her results to YOU. Remember, cheaters are consummate liars, don't trust anything she says, you want written proof.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]
She doesn't get it nor probably will. She doesn't really understand the pain you are in nor does she respect you right now. Since she won't leave I would tell her you are contacting an attorney that will legally make her leave. You can't be nice to her. Believe me when I say many of us have tried that route and it doesn't work. At the very least kick her out of the bedroom and let her sleep elsewhere. And no...you cannot trust her anymore. She kept seeing this guy even after you knew about it. There can't be any worst disrespect than that. If she won't agree to immediate NC and working on your relationship, then you know what you need to do. Mine was unremorseful so I have a lot of experience with that type of person.
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
5. take care of yourself. This shit sucks and this is hers to own. You didnt cause her to cheat, she need to own her actions fully.
Is the OM married or involved? If so, the very best thing you can do right now is contact the other betrayed spouse and let them know what is going on. If you have copies of the phone records or other proof of the affair, give it to the other spouse. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE that you are going to contact the other spouse as she will warn the OM.
We have all felt the pain that you are feeling now. You are going to be alright.
She took our son to school and then came home instead of going to work. She said she was sorry which she didn't do before. We talked some. I made her promise on the kids not to have any contact with him ever again.
She says she wants to make things work. She says it's the sex that's the problem. I know this and I know why but I really don't know how to solve that. Nor doI know how to let her have a life and not keep her locked up.
She says it's the sex that's the problem.
Not knowing the details there I will say this. Sex is not the problem, her inability to honor and cherish the promises she has made to you is the problem. And I'm willing to bet the farm the even deeper problem is her need to be validated by someone else. If she can't commit to you and you alone then I think you know where you stand with her. Protect yourself legally, emotionaly, and financially. Make your kids the top priority here and don't accept anything she tells you as truth at this point. It sucks to realize that but its a must at this time.
In the "I Can Relate" section there is a thread for betrayed men. Come on over and you can get a lot of good advice from other guys who may have been in similar circumstances.
Stay strong, you will get through this.
She did not cheat on you because of your sex life. So what, if you suffered some injury that prevented you from having sex it would be ok for her to cheat?
She cheated because she is broken and she needs to go into IC to figure out why she did this. Swearing on your children is not enough. She broke her vows to you. She's been lying for years. Sadly, you just can not trust her.
I would make her write a no contact letter. She then needs to give you access to all accounts, passwords, emails, etc. Put a gps tracker on her phone. She has to be 100% transparent.
Now, the OM - is he married? If so, tell his wife. That will blow the lid off of the affair because they're fueled by the secrecy.
Stay strong. We're all here for you.
I knew she had an affair a couple years ago. She told me it was over.
More reasons why her word cannot be trusted. She has already proven before that she doesn't honor her word. Actions from her need to be speaking the loudest right now.
I'll second what cliffside said. Blow the roof off that affair by telling the other man's spouse if he has one.
I read your thread in the other forum. There is one magic trick that ALL WW's play on us.
It's the disappearing power trick. She has more than likely performed a trick that makes you believe that you have no power and she has ALL the power in the marriage.
At this point she does have all the power and she will use EVERY trick her bag to keep it. She will placate and give you whatever you want to keep you from standing your ground. If you try to pull away she will run to you. She will do anything to keep you close. She does this because it ensures her power. She will play on your crushed emotions by giving you a tidbit here and there to keep you "on the line". She will say things like "how could you do that to the kids". She will push every button and pull every lever to keep her power.
I was shocked at what my wife did to manipulate me during this time. Any time I tried to pull away she got closer. I was so in need of comfort I fell for it.
On a long enough timeline it quits working but not until the manipulation has dragged your emotions down the road long enough to harden you to it.
I said all that to say this... Your wife is still cheating and has taken it "underground". She continued last time and she will again. Her acting like nothing is wrong and wanting to go out is proof of that. Tell her this, "I am going out and you are free to do the same but I'm not going out with you. If you do this she will FREAK OUT. I guarantee it. She will sense that as her power slipping and will rail against you for it.
After everything I did and all the pain I was finally done with the shenanigans. I did this. I wrote out a "minimum performance standard" for my wife. I listed every unacceptable behavior of hers on it.
I gave her the following stipulation. If you do anything on the list I am divorcing you, Period. This is non-negotiable and once it starts it's irrevocable. I said us staying married will be your choice. Do anything on the list and you are choosing not to be married. Simple as that. I told her I was fine with any decision she chose to make.
I planted my flag and made myself crystal clear. That was it. That was my line in the sand. We are still married and she has been the perfect wife ever since.
I think the hard part is getting to the place where either decision for her ends with you being OK and happy. Once you get there though it's life changing.
That said, here are some things that if I were you, I would do immediately.
1. If the other man is married, please tell his wife in a gentle and understanding manner. Do this with evidence and do it right away. Do not let your wife know what you're doing, just do it.
2. Go to the grocery store and stock up on various forms of liquid nutrition. You may not feel like eating much for a while and I don't want you to end up like me after my Dday. Please take care of your body.
3. Find some sort of physical outlet for your stress and anger. For me, it was riding my motorcycle and walking my dogs. This helps.
4. Don't believe a word your wife says right now. Watch for her actions. They need to be consistent and moving towards a place where she is becoming a safe partner for you.
I'm really sorry you're here. Please take care of yourself. We're here if you need us.
According to your WW there were problems with sex in the marriage and that motivated her to have an A?
Well guess what! Here is what she needs to know...Her dumb As%% just created the most monumental problem there ever can be between two people in a relationship..
That is BETRAYAL...
Now each of you is gonna have to deal with the betrayal and why and how she could make such a choice to lie and cheat behind your back..
This issue for your relationship trumps any and all other problems that were ever present..
How she deals with the fallout and aftermath of her A, lies, cover-ups will determine whether or not you even want her in your life at all..
For some people the damage caused by A, subsequent lies, trickle truth, lack of remorse is irrevocable and a deal breaker
Any and all problems in the marriage are petty in comparison to the one monumental problem that she just created..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:42 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
60 years young..
[This message edited by DefiledRage at 12:54 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
I don't want to just lawyer up. I don't want to lock her up either. How do I keep tabs on her?
There is no valid *REASON* (meaning external circumstance) that give good cause for someone to betray their partner. The source of cheating comes from the mind of the cheater. Cheating is a conscious and deliberate decision. All the *reasons* given are pretty much smoke that masks a internal bad decision making process.
I would also like to second RyeBread's invitation to join the discussing in the *I can relate* forum for Betrayed Men. Theres allot of wisdom there and you will get it from guys that have been EXACTLY where you are.
For now I would suggest you get full disclosure and perhaps a timeline of the LTA from your WW. You need this so that you will know exactly what you are dealing with.
Also and very important you need to get full access to every email account every cell phone text every way of communication your WW has or might use to contact OM. These things rarely end when we think they do. This is a long term relationship and its very common that they may want to meet for *one last time to say good bye*. And sometimes that meeting doesnt really end things.
Remember you are not to blame for your WW decision to cheat.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.