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Is there remorse for the AP's spouse? BS and WS welcome

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OldCow18 posted 10/10/2013 08:02 AM

Last night in conversation I asked WH if he felt remorse towards AP's BH. He flat out said no, not at all, that's her issue and our family is his issue. This made me sick to my stomach. First of all, he's known this man for over 4 years, been to his wedding, his home, he's been to our home, they have a baby, he even attanded his father's funeral! He's not anonymous, kwim? But even if he was, how do you not feel remorse/empathy, whatever, for the other hurt party in this mess that you created? I don't understand. Am I expecting too much or am I right in thinking this is a huge red flag?

I don't expect him to necessarily DO anything or focus on him in any way, but to admit feeling nothing? Scares me.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:04 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

heartbroken2012 posted 10/10/2013 08:14 AM

I dont think our WS would have any remorse for the AP's spouse....I mean they didnt care about them when they were fucking their wife or husband.

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 8:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

OldCow18 posted 10/10/2013 08:18 AM

I get that, but they didn't care for US either at the time, so if they can't feel it for them, why should we expect them to really feel it for us either? I mean, it's one thing while they are in their disgusting selfish fantasy, but in the light of day? How does a human being not feel anything for the other party?

overandone posted 10/10/2013 08:21 AM

Yes, plenty of remorse. He was in tears a number of times with guilt saying "what have I done to ****" - as well as to me of course. And so he should, **** has told me since that he considered my H to be one of his best friends. Double betrayal. Luckily I never felt that about his wife, the fOW. I put up with her company as I liked her H - just as a friend.

HoneyMe posted 10/10/2013 09:29 AM

Closer to DDay, my husband felt no sympathy for the OBH. Now, 1 1/2 years out, he does feel bad. We have decided that he needs to write a letter of apology for f*ing with the other family and the damage it did to the other husband and children. We won't send it. This affair #1 was over 10 years ago and I do not know if he ever found out about it. If he ever contacts me I will have it to give him, even if it is years down the road. A great fear I have is if children find evidence of the affair years later going thru their parent's stuff after their deaths later in life. I know my husband made this woman a very special wooden box. Also,ap#3 says she has all his love letters in a safety deposit box for her family to find after she dies to see how exciting her life was I guess.

BeyondBreaking posted 10/10/2013 11:13 AM

I hear this and see NPD.

I'm not kidding. This is like walking up to someone (not even a perfect stranger, but someone you have known for 4 years), hitting them over the head with a crow bar, and saying you don't feel bad because their spouse gave you the crow bar.

It would disturb me greatly that he is unable to feel empathy towards another person and doesn't feel any remorse for his part in causing someone else pain.

OldCow18 posted 10/10/2013 11:22 AM

I hear this and see NPD

I thought the same exact thing. There seems to be this common theme with WH of lacking empathy and it terrifies me. Glad I have IC today, definitely going to discuss.

lostworld posted 10/10/2013 11:32 AM

My H didn't feel any remorse for the AP's BS initially, and that horrified me. After a year, maybe a little longer, once my H figured out his own stuff, he did feel remorseful. Honestly, while he still feels badly for his role in the A and the damage done to all, he additionally feels sorry for the AP's BS that he is stuck with that woman for a spouse. This was not her first affair by a long shot, although it was the first he knew of and may or may not have believed me when I blew the lid off of her other indiscretions, and her spouse seems to be a pretty good guy who remains loyal.

I don't find it unusual that some WS's lack empathy in the early aftermath of an A. I think it takes a great deal of compartmentalization and numbness to engage in an A to begin with, and it takes quite a lot of time to work through all the emotions involved; or succinctly put, it sometimes takes a long time for a WS to get their head on right and be able to "walk in another's shoes."

overandone posted 10/10/2013 11:54 AM

Beyond Breaking - with you on all that

Tearsoflove posted 10/10/2013 12:01 PM

At first, my husband said he did. But every response he gave to the questions the OBS asked him was met with resistance and sanctimony. I had to point out to him that OBS was hurting in the same way I was and that he was innocent and didn't deserve it.

I think in our case, my husband believed all the crap she spewed about how horrible her marriage was. The guy she described to my husband did not sound remotely like the guy who was trying to get my husband to tell him the truth. But my husband wanted so much to believe that he hadn't played a part in hurting someone who was truly innocent that he didn't let himself actually recognize the OBS' pain. When he realized that his treatment of this man was rapidly causing me to lose the last shred of respect for him that I could muster, he changed his tune and became more forthcoming.

sinsof thefather posted 10/10/2013 12:03 PM

I must say I agree with you - it would be very disturbing to me too. The fact that it wasn't a stranger to him but an actual friend, makes it even worse.

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