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User Topic: Is there remorse for the AP's spouse? BS and WS welcome
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night in conversation I asked WH if he felt remorse towards AP's BH. He flat out said no, not at all, that's her issue and our family is his issue. This made me sick to my stomach. First of all, he's known this man for over 4 years, been to his wedding, his home, he's been to our home, they have a baby, he even attanded his father's funeral! He's not anonymous, kwim? But even if he was, how do you not feel remorse/empathy, whatever, for the other hurt party in this mess that you created? I don't understand. Am I expecting too much or am I right in thinking this is a huge red flag?

I don't expect him to necessarily DO anything or focus on him in any way, but to admit feeling nothing? Scares me.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:04 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartbroken2012
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont think our WS would have any remorse for the AP's spouse....I mean they didnt care about them when they were fucking their wife or husband.

[This message edited by heartbroken2012 at 8:14 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get that, but they didn't care for US either at the time, so if they can't feel it for them, why should we expect them to really feel it for us either? I mean, it's one thing while they are in their disgusting selfish fantasy, but in the light of day? How does a human being not feel anything for the other party?


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, plenty of remorse. He was in tears a number of times with guilt saying "what have I done to ****" - as well as to me of course. And so he should, **** has told me since that he considered my H to be one of his best friends. Double betrayal. Luckily I never felt that about his wife, the fOW. I put up with her company as I liked her H - just as a friend.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
HoneyMe
♀ 40613
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closer to DDay, my husband felt no sympathy for the OBH. Now, 1 1/2 years out, he does feel bad. We have decided that he needs to write a letter of apology for f*ing with the other family and the damage it did to the other husband and children. We won't send it. This affair #1 was over 10 years ago and I do not know if he ever found out about it. If he ever contacts me I will have it to give him, even if it is years down the road. A great fear I have is if children find evidence of the affair years later going thru their parent's stuff after their deaths later in life. I know my husband made this woman a very special wooden box. Also,ap#3 says she has all his love letters in a safety deposit box for her family to find after she dies to see how exciting her life was I guess.


3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 72 | Registered: Sep 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear this and see NPD.

I'm not kidding. This is like walking up to someone (not even a perfect stranger, but someone you have known for 4 years), hitting them over the head with a crow bar, and saying you don't feel bad because their spouse gave you the crow bar.

It would disturb me greatly that he is unable to feel empathy towards another person and doesn't feel any remorse for his part in causing someone else pain.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear this and see NPD

I thought the same exact thing. There seems to be this common theme with WH of lacking empathy and it terrifies me. Glad I have IC today, definitely going to discuss.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
lostworld
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't feel any remorse for the AP's BS initially, and that horrified me. After a year, maybe a little longer, once my H figured out his own stuff, he did feel remorseful. Honestly, while he still feels badly for his role in the A and the damage done to all, he additionally feels sorry for the AP's BS that he is stuck with that woman for a spouse. This was not her first affair by a long shot, although it was the first he knew of and may or may not have believed me when I blew the lid off of her other indiscretions, and her spouse seems to be a pretty good guy who remains loyal.

I don't find it unusual that some WS's lack empathy in the early aftermath of an A. I think it takes a great deal of compartmentalization and numbness to engage in an A to begin with, and it takes quite a lot of time to work through all the emotions involved; or succinctly put, it sometimes takes a long time for a WS to get their head on right and be able to "walk in another's shoes."


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 820 | Registered: Apr 2008
overandone
39162
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beyond Breaking - with you on all that


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 233 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Tearsoflove
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first, my husband said he did. But every response he gave to the questions the OBS asked him was met with resistance and sanctimony. I had to point out to him that OBS was hurting in the same way I was and that he was innocent and didn't deserve it.

I think in our case, my husband believed all the crap she spewed about how horrible her marriage was. The guy she described to my husband did not sound remotely like the guy who was trying to get my husband to tell him the truth. But my husband wanted so much to believe that he hadn't played a part in hurting someone who was truly innocent that he didn't let himself actually recognize the OBS' pain. When he realized that his treatment of this man was rapidly causing me to lose the last shred of respect for him that I could muster, he changed his tune and became more forthcoming.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4270 | Registered: Sep 2005
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must say I agree with you - it would be very disturbing to me too. The fact that it wasn't a stranger to him but an actual friend, makes it even worse.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 11

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