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Wanting to be wanted like the ow was?

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olwen posted 10/10/2013 08:04 AM

I know this is screwed up and unhealthy but I need to write about what's been playing on my mind.

I don't want to cheat, I don't want revenge (well maybe a little bit) I don't want to hurt anyone.

What I want is to be wanted by someone other than my H. To have a man double take as I walk passed in the street. To be winked at, smiled at, anything really.

I have never felt attractive. Nights out the only time men approached me was to ask if my friend was single. I am (was) the sweet caring one who no one gives a second glance to. I guess I am homely.

Then I met H he adored me, thought I was gorgeous. His friends flirted with me light heartedly. He was proud to have me and showed me off. I started to think maybe I was attractive after all.

Then his A and I have never felt lower. He didn't fancy her but she was attractive enough. He didn't want to be with her but doubted he wanted to stay with me cos if she could make him feel so good maybe I wasn't the right person for him. He used her as an add on to make his life better.

All I can think is I was not enough and he wanted another woman to make him feel good, and she did. He knew he was risking his marriage yet he still chose her. He denies this but of course he chose her. He chose to develop a relationship with another woman. Therefore he put her above me. He said he had stopped seeing me or even thinking about me.

My situation is difficult and different cos I am practically housebound and can't go out alone. I have mental health problems. But I remember when I did go to work and was out and about men never paid me attention. I would walk past a building site, hear a whistle and be on cloud nine only to have a stunning woman walk past me and the penny to drop. Laughable I know.

Thing is H got a huge ego boost from his A and I took the worst confidence knock of my life, and there have been many.

Then you have OW. She supposedly has numerous 'boyfriends' even tho she claims she is gay. Strange situation. She told me when I met her during the A that she uses men for what she can get from them and goes thru the motions of sex just to keep them hooked. She has at least half a dozen on the go at any time (including my H)and admitted to me it's wrong cos they always fall in love with her. Nothing wrong with her ego! She is no more attractive then me tho slimmer with bigger breasts.

I just want to be desired. H says he does and is very physical with me. Says I am the best he has ever had etc etc but it feels empty. I keep thinking yeah that's what you say now but you weren't thinking of me earlier in the year when you chose her.

I guess I am after the same as he was when he had his affair, attention, flattery, being chased and propositioned. I just want to feel attractive and good enough. Like a man would see I am married but let me know if I wasn't he would be interested in me. That I could be seen as attractive to anyone. I obviously wasn't attractive enough to my H.

He says I am around a 7/10 in my scruffs and no make up. A good 9/10 when dolled up but during A he had stopped seeing me and thought of me as around a 5/10 cos of my health problems and I was too busy dealing with a major episode of depression to pay him the attention he craved. So his interest in me dropped.

She was about a 4/10 at the time I had dropped to a 5/10. So not much in it and he could easily have left me for her when she was making him feel so good. He says she gained points for her outgoing confident attitude and that he looked at her through rose tinted specs but he still felt that way. That life could be better with someone else even if not her.

He didn't want her but was using her as a test subject. I.e. she makes me feel so good maybe I should leave my wife and be with another woman. So he kissed her to see what it would be like kissing another woman. He claims he didn't like it but still agreed to sex the next night when she threw herself at him. Curiosity he says, again what would another woman feel like.

He is desperately sorry for it all. It's tearing him apart. He feels sick about it and would give anything to take it back. He has been honest about his feelings for her and me at that time and I appreciate he has admitted it all to me but Christ how do I deal with the hurt, the rejection the confirmation I was not good enough.

Would any man see me as desirable. I don't think so. Its so unfair in affairs how the ws gets all the good confidence building stuff and we get the hurt and low self esteem.

I want to move forward. We still live each other and he says he loves me now how he should always have loved me. completely and without reservation but it's so hard to accept. If I wasn't good enough then why am I good enough now?

Still not good enough to attract attention from other men which I crave but would never ever act on. Like I said a smile or a wink from an attractive stranger would set me up nicely. I would
never do anything about it.

I just feel so unwanted, rejected and unattractive

Has anyone else had these feelings?

[This message edited by olwen at 8:04 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

kiki1 posted 10/10/2013 08:35 AM


I feel the same. I so want to be held and loved by a man who i feel safe with and who has thoughts only of me.

You are not alone in feeling this way and yes, they get all the good ego strokes and we get stripped of everything.

I'm having difficulties in this area (and many others) myself. I have no good advice for you, other than your h's affair really had nothing to do with how you look. Its on him and his inability to remain faithful.

I just wanted you to know you've been heard and you are not alone.

Do something nice for you Olwen, get a new hair cut, have a make over, go to the gym, buy new clothes.

Spoil yourself. You know, there are men out there who would find you attractive. Of course there are. There is nothing wrong with you. Dont beat yourself into the ground. They've already done that to you.

Now its time for you to pick yourself up and make yourself better than ever!!!

hugs Olwen

TarnishedSilver posted 10/10/2013 08:56 AM

It's not screwed up! I have the same feelings!
Sometimes when a man starts talking to me or looks at me and smiles I think to myself...would you be a cheater!
I guess this is just another consequence of infidelity.
The feelings will pass and I am sure, like me come again, and again until I am completely healed.

Cheer up sweetie!

SecondHelping posted 10/10/2013 08:58 AM

All I can think is I was not enough and he wanted another woman to make him feel good, and she did. He knew he was risking his marriage yet he still chose her. He denies this but of course he chose her. He chose to develop a relationship with another woman. Therefore he put her above me. He said he had stopped seeing me or even thinking about me.

This is the worst feeling in the world. I'm only assuming that over time, that will fade.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/10/2013 09:23 AM

I understand the wanting to be wanted part as much as the ow

but I beg to differ on appearance. Beauty comes from within. If you decide that you are beautiful..because i am sure that you are...than you begin to exude beauty. people who are confident and self assured are perceived as beautiful. and personality does play into this. Think of some "homely" guys that have women loving on them...I don't know--- one that comes to mind is someone like Danny is this short, dumpy guy but he has charisma and confidence and exudes charm. Women like that. Its the same for a woman to a man---if you just believe that you are awesome and beautiful than others accept this.
Then, if you really believe that you could self improve you could get your hair done or put on make-up etc...

Does this help at all?

but i totally understand the wanting to be desired part.

My OW isn't better than me in appearance at all. She's not ugly and she is not beautiful. i don't think it really is about appearance--just attention from someone else that H was craving. But, I don't care---i feel good about myself regardless. Its my relationship with my husband that sucks not my physical appearance.

bionicgal posted 10/10/2013 09:52 AM

I agree, first of all, that it is not about beauty/attractivenss for the WH. It is about willingness. It is about sucking enough as a person that you will go along with it. Even if they were gorgeous, it is like putting Chanel lipstick on a pig. It is still a pig.

Regarding wanting to be wanted, I think we all go through that. I had my antenna up for a while after DDay, wondering if anyone at all found me attractive. I lost some weight, which did make people notice me more. I think deep down though, what I really wanted was someone to notice me. . .to think I was special. We all know on some level that basing that on looks is superficial and gets us nowhere, but we all feel it sometimes.

Finally, I think you need to get out of the comparison game. My husband described the "choice" as being between AP and not-AP. In other words, I was sort of the fixed quantity off on the side. It wasn't until he came clean that the choice became between her and me. It is crazy wayward thinking.

I have used this analogy before, and I'll use it again. . . If affairs are like addictions, and really about escape, it is like when a smoker decides to smoke even knowing one day they will likely get lung cancer. They are able to live with the self-deception (that they won't get cancer) because it is not immediate. However, if you forced the choice and said "You have a choice to smoke this cigarette right now or die a painful death of lung cancer tonight," then no one would smoke.

Similarly, people in affairs are not facing immediate discomfort from their "addiction," so it can go on until the pain of lying, etc. gets to be too much, or more often - they have to tell or get found out to make the choice real for them. There is a forced choice. Until then, I think it is all too indirect, and I don't think most of them think: "I am choosing between my spouse and AP," even though that is what it feels like to us.

Maybe this helps. . hang in there!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:55 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

olwen posted 10/10/2013 10:26 AM

Thanks everyone. I do get and appreciate all you're saying.

I guess my problem is I never had any confidence til I met H. My mental health issues don't help. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 15-17, then a brief dalliance with a friend then 3 weeks later I met H.

I only gained a bit of confidence after that but was 100% secure with him. That's what has destroyed me. He was the one person I trusted implicitly.

I wish I could be strong, confident and independent but that's been impossible for me due to my illness. Only when my mood swings high do I get that feeling and boy is it bliss. Sadly the downside is the lows that follow so I am on a mood stabiliser now and have said goodbye to those happy highs.

What hurts most is the bare truth of the situation. H had stopped seeing me as a wife and more as a housemate. When she came along she made him feel so fantastic he only saw her. She told him they were just good friends so he went along with the EA for the attention. He didnt' fancy her but in his words - she was attractive enough -Then he thought she wanted more cos she started coming onto him and I was only in his thoughts as far as him contemplating leaving me. Not for her for her own self. It made him think he shouldn't be with me if she made him so happy. HE didn't really even want to be with her as in a real relationship. But he thought he might want to be free to find someone else. Or to use her as a stop gap so he could have someone there for him if he left me.So he tested out his feelings by kissing her and when she offered him sex he took it cos as he saw it our marriage was over and I would never know about it. He didn't actually want sex but when it was offered curiosity got the better of him. HE says after the kiss he knew he didn't want her but was not sure if he wanted me, although he realised he did still love me - confusing eh! And oh so flattering to me - not!

I also knew nothing about he apparent dire straights my marriage was in. I was busy dealing with my relapse out house and our son. I tried to talk to him but he was so distant he would walk into another room and shut the door on me whilst I was talking. All that time I was seriously depressed and asking what I could do to make him feel better. I was oblivious! The thought he would actually properly cheat never entered my mind.

It's all such a mess. He keeps telling me the likes of Kelly Brook and Sheryl Cole were cheated on but that's not the real problem it's him not wanting me enough to be faithful after 18 years. It makes me feel very unwanted and unloved. Yeah something better came along and he was distracted by how great she was but he chose me in the end. Like that makes it all better.

I don't know If I can live with him setting me aside without my knowledge so he could play at being single.

I don't feel married anymore. He broke that contract twice. Once on line and once in the flesh. I am obviously not the centre of his world like he was to me. I feel second best.

Realising I was not all my husband wanted has destroyed my little confidence and yeah a bit of male attention would do me the world of good but I guess it's not for the likes of me. I just don't 'make the grade'

I thought I had a slight compliment a few months ago when H took me to a forest lodge to try and get over A. The guy who showed us round asked why we had chosen the lodge. I said it was the honeymoon we never had and told him we had been together 18years. He gave H a funny look and said 'what's taken you so long!'

I asked H if he thought the guy was kind of paying me a compliment or if he just meant why have you waited 18 yrs (hope that makes sense) H said he was definitely flirting with me but said it in such a way I thought OMG he is HUMOURING me!!! He was soooo not bothered, not a hint of jealously or anything.
Like he can't imagine a guy genuinely complimenting me.

So I guess I am just not the sort of woman who gets eyed up. I really wish I was. H now has this huge knowledge another woman wanted him and I seem to be invisible to the male population!

Affairs suck, I would give anything to have stayed his one true love.

Am just babbling and blubbing now so will go but thanks all for listening.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/10/2013 12:00 PM

I feel like you are blaming yourself for this A? It is not your fault. It doesn't matter if you have mental health issues or not or if you are "pretty" or not..everyone deserves love. You are not giving yourself credit.

First off...I am sure he is not a real catch either! His actions show how much of a selfish person he is. And yes I agree with the lodge guy. what took him so long to take you on a "honeymoon" or a romantic getaway or whatever. It appears he hasn't treated you well for some time and is throwing it all back on you...?

If you are not in marriage counselling already you guys really should be. Affair aside, there are many issues here that need addressed.

I only say these things to help you not to make you feel bad, so I hope I am not doing that.

I think you are seeing this through a perspective that needs adjusted. He should have taken you on vacations, he should not blame you for whatever health issues you have.

HormonalWoman posted 10/10/2013 13:44 PM

((olwen)) I think most bs have felt the way you describe. It's hard to know you came second best and i too really struggle with the 'if i wasn't good enough for you then, why am i suddenly good enough now' thing. It also makes me really angry that he had to almost lose me to appreciate what he had right there all along.

I can't really offer any words of advice. It still saddens me over 3 years out to remember how much effort he could make for the ow but how little i was worth at that time.

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 14:26 PM

Not screwed up...totally normal.

Be wary of temptation...and I know you are. There will be a time when you will notice how others notice you. It has happened for me. Trust me when I say want guys to notice you? They already want a guy to want you? They already do. If you want an A, they are a dime a dozen....just look at the statistics, look at this website alone, see how many people are willing to take this easy way out.

For me, my wifes AP has 30 pounds on me, none of it muscle. He has a double chin and the mind movies are grotesque....but I still have the need to be desired. And, in a way, the lack of physical attractiveness in my wifes AP adds to my pain.

In a joking manner I wish her AP looked like Tom least the movies wouldn't make me want to throw up!

Adultery is a betrayal that is so hurtful it attacks every aspect of your being, including but not limited to your self esteem.

I know you don't believe me now...but in your near future, especially once you gain any of your confidence back, you must be on guard and keep your boundaries firm. That extra attention from the waiter, the kind smile from the guy at the gas pumps, the thoughtful man who picks up his kids when you pick up will feel almost too good to resist.

As I walk into a crowded room I regularly wonder how many active cheaters are here, how many BS are here, and how much need there is in this world to be wanted and desired.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 2:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 14:32 PM

Might help you to search the Healing Library and find the thread that allows members to post pictures....I have viewed it a number of times.

Know what I found? I found pictures of ugly, normal, and gorgeous people....all defined by my eye. Doesn't matter if they were WS or BS...the range is the same.

I know you get it was not about her cup size or length of hair...but I also get how that is the easiest and sometimes the only way we have to size up our fWS my case he is a stranger. I have two things to size him up with...his physical features and his ability to lie, cheat and be selfish. wife did too.

Someday we will all look back on this painful experience and say........Boy, did that suck!

Butterfly24 posted 10/10/2013 16:42 PM

Reading your post makes me so sad for you. I totally understand how you feel though. I ask my wh all the time as well as mention it in mc, if you didn't want me before, why do you want me now? It makes no sense in my head.

I doubt it matters what you look like, or what I look like or any of us on this site, it matters that our ws's are selfish people that want what they want, when they want it and nothing more.

I think the guy at the lodge was giving you a compliment, you shouldn't have let what your ws said bother you.

I have a daughter that has been diagnosed as bi polar, and my son most likely is as well, he has been told by a psychiatrist but never really diagnosed. Both of them are very attractive, I'm not saying it because I am mom, lol, I am going by what many people have said, but they get so down on themselves and think they are so unattractive at times, as well as unlikeable, in a sense that no one cares to be around them, and they have no friends. So I do understand about mental illness. I wonder if perhaps this is how you are also. Maybe others see you way different than you see yourself. Please know I am not making assumptions, I am just wondering.

Take care.

olwen posted 10/11/2013 03:31 AM

Thanks so much everyone for your support and for listening.

You have given me a lot to think about. I think I need to start working on me a bit rather than putting all my thoughts and energy into dealing with the A. I must rebuild my confidence and I can't expect h to do that for me when I don't feel secure with him.

Thanks all

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