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I'm Falling

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HeartInADustpan posted 10/10/2013 08:17 AM

Like when you are on the end of a rope and each ply is snapping one by one. I'm looking up and there are only a couple more ply before the rope snaps and it's a free fall. A fall back into the dark place I was a year ago. I don't know how to stop it. I KNOW I can't go through it again. I don't know how I made it the first time.

I wish this would just end. KB says I'm not walking the road alone anymore, but why do I feel so alone? Our R has been well. I do remember some days his A's only popped up a couple times a day and I was getting pretty good at stopping and reminding myself that was then and this is now. Now, I'm waking to those thoughts, living them all day and going to sleep with them. I'm now forcing myself out of bed, forcing myself to do my "normal" activities and forcing myself to care. I'm tired. I'm not going to be able to force much longer and I'm so scared of the dark place I was in for so long last year. My logic self talk isn't helping.

Why is this my life? Do we all ask that or am I alone there too?

AFrayedKnot posted 10/10/2013 08:34 AM

What brought you out of the dark place last time? Can you reapply those efforts again? Can you try and dig to write a gratitude list? Can you do something you enjoy just for yourself?

What you are feeling is a normal cycle of the rollercoaster. I am sorry you are there. It does get easier.

TarnishedSilver posted 10/10/2013 08:52 AM

My last dday was January 2012, 20 months ago.
I still have days like that. Usually something triggers me to think of the past.
Times I can let it go but other times it lingers for a few days.
I went back to work and find it to be an amazing help to me. I never think of anything but work. It has been my savior.

Yesterday driving to work a song came on the radio that reminded me of those dark times, I turned it off but had sad feelings until I got to work. Work was fine but as soon as I got in the car the feelings came back.

Last night fwh asked how my day was. He has been completely remorseful for close to 3 years since the first dday. Understanding, helpful and caring. Going to his IC and working really hard on himself. His communication skill have changed 100%.
Well last night when I told him about the song and such he said...i am so sorry, what can I do to help you?
I said you can answer some questions I have about that time.

His response was. I don't want to go back there. It does us harm, I am trying really hard to to to focus on now and our future. It will cause you more pain.

I thought about it and got angry, didn't say anything but I thought....what gives you the right to tell me what is good for me. And he has no idea what I feel when these triggers happen, because he has never had to deal with a cheating wife.

I am actually happy I have a long day at work today!!

callmecrazy posted 10/10/2013 09:23 AM

I feel similar and am also coming up on a year. I think that Im going to have a rough next 4 months. They will never understand how easy it is to trigger. It would take superhuman actions from him to really help me right now, not that he is really doing much anyways.

Regardless, hugs. Try to focus on you and do something nice for yourself and go hang out with some friends.

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 11:08 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Remember first that you're a lot stronger than you realize.

Remember also that your antiversary is coming up, and that could be affecting your mood. For me, the first was hell, and the 3rd (coming soon, but not soon enough) isn't any picnic.

Are you sure that KB is still on board - is there something specific that is prompting you to think you may have to do this again?

Assuming the answer is 'no', are you in IC? I can think of some guided imagery that might help, but check with your IC. If you're in MC, check with your MC.

No, you're not alone. I think a lot of us ask, 'Why is this my life?' (I'm one of them.)

HeartInADustpan posted 10/10/2013 17:43 PM

Thanks for the support. I am glad to hear this is "normal". I just feel like I'm slowly losing my marbles.

Chicho, I've struggled all day to remember what I did and when I started to come out of it. I simply can't remember. So bizarre! I could only come up with this pregnancy analogy. I had a horrid pregnancy with my DS. Preeclampsia (high blood pressure), gestational diabetes, sick from the day I found out I was pregnant until the day I delivered. I was on bed rest for 3 months. I thought I'd never make it and I would NEVER EVER have another baby. The pain, the sickness, all of it was too much. Fast forward 5 years and, well, I remember those things...sort of. I remember being on bed rest, having to poke myself 10Xday to check my sugar, take my blood pressure, go into the doctors office 3Xweek to be hooked up to all kinds of monitors just waiting for something else to go wrong. I remember everything, but at the same time I don't. I guess it's like my brain only recals the "text book" description of what I went through in that pregnancy. I remember it hurt, but can't recall the pain. Now that I've "forgotten," the idea of having another baby doesn't sound so bad.

I think of what good has happened (there has been much) and it always ends with a "but if I was so great and he cared so much why did he do it in the first place?" type statement. It's applicable to any positive change he's made.

I think I'd go off my rocker TarnishedSilver if KB didn't want to talk about it still. I would have been angry right there with you. There is just no justice and I think that is what really, really bothers me. I'm forced to deal with his infidelities whether we are together or apart. The actions of the man who was to forsake me above all others have permanently scarred me and it's just not fair dammit!

He is on board, sisoon, and I know it's killing him. I recall when he finally started to actually get it and things have been going so well since. Now I feel like I'm the one setting us back.

I'm trying to go easy on myself. I baked a couple cakes and worked with fondant all day. Keeps me busy and fondant is like yummy, adult clay. I'm just so scared.

hobbeskat posted 10/10/2013 17:56 PM

I wish I had advice, but you're not alone. Since the OW messaged me I've been thrown back into that place too. Hugs for you.

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