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Am I doing this wrong?

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Mack9512 posted 10/10/2013 08:33 AM

Morning SI. Even though I don’t really post that much I am on the site lurking every day.

Because of my lurking, I usually read just about every post that comes along. I read of everyone’s struggles, everyone’s joy, everyone’s tears, and everyone’s anger. All of the responses from fellow posters are so well written and thought out that I don’t really feel that I can add anything to the posts…so I don’t.

I really try to follow those posters that have DDays close to mine or have multiple DDays like I have. I like to keep up with my brothers’ and sisters’ in the hell that we call ‘surviving infidelity’. However, I have noticed something that is beginning to worry me. Am I doing this R thing all wrong?

My fWH and I are going great. My little family of 3¼ (fWH, DD7, puppy and I) is happier than its have ever been. We spend a lot of quality time together. We laugh. We talk. We play. We go on adventures. We read. We snuggle. All as a family. My fWH and I talk about anything and everything. He shares his feelings and thoughts with me and I do the same. We actually listen to each other. I find that I wake up most mornings with a smile on my face. I feel loved and protected. These feelings had been missing for the 3 years that led up to his A. I am happy, but I fear that my happiness is making me complacent.

Don’t get me wrong, at only 7 months into real R, I still think about the A and the MOW every day which explains the daily trek to SI, but I have no desire to talk about it. Hell, I even stopped seeing my IC because I was ready to move on to focusing our sessions on me, as an individual, and she wanted to continue talking about my fWH and the A. I don’t want any more details. I don’t want to ask for the 1,000th time “why”. I haven’t had bouts of anger at my fWH or cried about the A in months. I want to move past the A and move onto the future.

I know that everyone’s path through the aftermath of an A is different, but it seems that I am not following the ‘normal’ pattern and that scares me. Shouldn’t I need more? Shouldn’t I want to dig deeper to get to the ‘what not’s’ and ‘how comes’? My answer right now is “no”. I don’t want to continue to focus on the A. I want to focus on my life and my family. I feel that if I continue to focus on the A then I am still giving the MOW too much power in my mind and my life. Am I rugsweeping?

Maybe I feel this way because we have not had any contact with the MOW for months. Or maybe I’m thinking this way because deep down I’m worried that the MOW will come back around now that her BS is divorcing her. My fWH and I have a detailed plan for when she makes an unwelcome appearance but he seems to think that she won’t. fWH believes that her ego was too damaged to want to revisit him again. I’m not so sure, but I believe that he will handle it the way we planned.

I think I’ve meandered enough in this post. Thought I had a question, and maybe I still do, but I think I really just needed to get my thoughts out.

Have a great day SIers!

Peace and strength,

tushnurse posted 10/10/2013 08:56 AM


It sounds like you are really doing well in R. Things are good right now. Be Happy with that.

I would say, that I would caution you, in not knowing the why's. It sounds like your H is doing all the right things now, and that is awesome, but what will keep him from doing it again? Has he had a deep fundamental switch in how he thinks, or how he leads his life? Has he done the work on himself? If not, then you can be happy, and life can be great, but old habits can creep back in, as you hit a comfort level, and that can lead to bad choices. If you don't wnat to deal with it right now, don't, but be prepared to deal with it, if you start to see those old things, changes, and habits.

((((and strength))))

Mack9512 posted 10/10/2013 09:18 AM

Thanks tushnurse.

My fWH is in IC and is working diligently with her to work on the internal issues that he didn't realize he had. His FOO issues are being addressed, albeit slowly. It is a slippery slope for him because he thought all of his issues came from his mom and NOT from his dad that he idolized. IC has made him realize that he was wrong.

Also, my fWH has been completely medication free (I had posted previously about his RLS medication) for over 5 months and it has turned him into an entirely different person. Actually, it turned him back into the man that I married, or an older version of the man I married. He is dealing with the fact that the medication helped put him in a place that made the decision to have an A easier for him. (He is quick to correct anyone that says the meds were the reason for the A. He tells them that HE is the reason for the A. It is weird how hearing him say this, to the people that try to find excuses for his actions, increases my new found love for him...if that makes any sense. ) His IC is planning an writing an article on the effects of Mirapex on marriages. She finds it fascinating.

He is also trying to find a new job. Just the process of writing up his resume and researching interview skills and tips has made him more confident in himself. My fWH has stuttered since he was 3; a direct result of his parents' contentious divorce. The stuttering made him feel less of a man. It made him feel like it kept him from reaching his true potential. IC has helped him realize that it is a part of him and needs to be embraced. I'm proud of him for that.

We understand the threat of his old behaviors returning. Our agreement is that he does IC for 1 year and then we will move to MC to make sure our marriage is as strong as we can make it.

Edited because I apparently lost all basic writing ability.

[This message edited by Mack9512 at 9:21 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/10/2013 11:19 AM

I dont think you are doing it wrong...i think you are doing it the way you need to do it to move on and rebuild.

Rug sweeping (IMO) would be blowing off IC, never going, or going once and walking away. it would be never dealing with your feelings, never facing them and trying to work thru them. it would be not addressing your needs. It would be settling for less than you deserve.

it doesnt sound like you are doing any of those things. It sounds like you have all the answers you need to process, accept and move forward. Everyone needs something different as far as how much and what kind of information the want.

It sounds like your WH is remorseful and really doing the work. It sounds as tho he has created a safe environment for you to heal. That is the biggest puzzle piece to lock into place (again, IMO) Once that is established, it makes the road just a little less bumpy.

Keep doing what your doing, keep working together!! hugs to you!!

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