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Walking on eggshells

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betrayedme2 posted 10/10/2013 08:33 AM

It's been nearly 9 months since D-day and we've been working on our relationship. There's been ups and downs, new information, and betrayal of the NC rule. The last contact my WW had with "him" was about a month and a half ago when I discovered another secret email address. That was seriously the last straw for me. Ready to walk with my daughter and all with clear conscious that I had done EVERYTHING to make it work and less of a broken heart. We kept going and quite honestly, the past month and a half has probably been the best time we've spent together ever. Cautiously optimistic that there is NC now and that she's committed to me and our family now.

Just wanting to vent here. My WS mother has been ill and I sat in the hospital all day with her yesterday as my wife and other immediate family couldn't. I was glad to. I had my wife's ipad. You see where this is going? I was flipping through photos and came across a couple I knew weren't for me. These were taken about 8 months ago when my WW wasn't so committed. I snooped some more in her email and found an email from about a year ago to the scum she fooled around with. Then found another email from about 5 months ago to a friend of hers that was complicit in her A, saying how nice it would be after I left for an unplanned business trip. She would have a "reprieve".... This was all in the past and don't want to dwell on it. I wasn't mad about it-it's nothing new, simply sad.

My wife asked me what was bothering me and after a while, I told her what I had found. She's mad at me now. That I snooped after I said the past happened and we needed to move on. She keeps saying that I'm not ready to put the past behind us and it'll never go away. No, it'll never go away, it's a new "normal", have to accept, heal the best we can and move forward. I was simply sad in the moment and would have quickly gotten over it. I was made to feel like I should apologize. She began crying saying that SHE CAN'T TRUST ME and that I'll never stop watching what she does. I had to be completely honest and tell her, heck yes I'm watching you.

I know this is all difficult for her too. We didn't have a great marriage and she wandered and made bad choices. She owns those actions and shows some remorse. She wants to move on too, but has to understand that there will be times when I'm simply sad. Not medication needed depressed, just sad. I can't let my guard down, if I hadn't found that other secret email address, she'd still be in contact to "just check in" as she puts it, and I'd never be the wiser. I'm still suspicious and feel I have every right to be. I don't think there's yet another email or that she's purchased another phone other than what's on our family plan, but who the hell knows... I'll continue to "be aware" until I feel I no longer need to, whenever that is.

Anyway, I don't know the reason for posting this? Just feel like yesterday put us back to where we were a month and a half ago. Thanks for reading and for this community for being there! We're working on it, one day at a time.

LosferWords posted 10/10/2013 09:31 AM

Hi betrayedme2 - You absolutely have every right to be on guard for as long as you need to. A month and a half is relatively short compared to the time it takes to heal from this stuff and regain trust.

I'm sorry you saw those hurtful emails and pictures. Even though it was nothing "new", they still expose you to the hurt all over again.

Keep working at it, keep communicating with each other, and by all means continue to stand your ground when it comes to transparency, etc.

Take care

atsenaotie posted 10/10/2013 09:46 AM

The proper response from your W would have been to apologize for ever having written that sort of email or taken those photos, and for you to find them. To thank you for giving her a chance to prove she is trust-worthy and loves you.

As for snooping, there should be no secrets in a M relationship (except birthday presents). I used to be proud of how I trusted FWW. I now realize that I was naive and I will always feel comfortable looking at her email, phone, etc, and for her to do the same with me.

You have been working on your relationship, what has your W been doing to work on her issues that led to her having an A? Has she done IC to identify and work on her whys? Has she read and discussed A related books like Not Just Friends, or Sexual Detours with you? What is she doing to learn new behaviors and have better boundaries so that the next time there will not be a next time? What is she doing different this month from the first 6 months after dday (which ended with a secret email account and NC violation)?

I would take her anger at “snooping” as an indication there is something out there to be found. I would put the ball in her court to assure and prove to me that she is still NC.

We didn't have a great marriage and she wandered and made bad choices. She owns those actions and shows some remorse.

Why was her response to a bad marriage to wander rather than work on the relationship or work on D? What is she doing differently so that the next time the M is not great she does not wander?


sisoon posted 10/10/2013 10:41 AM

Not only do you have a right to be on guard, you need to be on guard until she rebuild your trust - and that takes years. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years from the last hurt, and your W's response to your questions counts as a hurt.

What are you doing to heal? I read that she's possibly NC with om, but what about IC for her, IC for you, MC, answering your questions honestly and non-defensively?

Being transparent is also a normal requirement, and it's clear she's not doing that fully.

The A may have been in the past, but healing from the A is very much a here and now process and problem. She doesn't trust you? No - she's just blameshifting and playing word games to make you question yourself.

I think you need to value yourself at least a little more, set out firm requirements and consequences, and hold your W to them.

She's not yet remorseful enough to be your partner. That may happen in the future, but she's not there yet.

Stop walking on eggshells - she fucked up, you didn't. You may be responsible for some pre-A M problems, but you were in the same M without cheating. She chose to cheat - that's on her, not you.

There's another reason for not walking on eggshells. The way you are during R is the way you're setting up your new M. A life spent walking on eggshells isn't sustainable - and isn't worth sustaining, IMO - until death go you part.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:43 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

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