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Does Anyone Not Know The Identity of the AP?

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mysticpenguin posted 10/10/2013 10:11 AM

Just wondering. And if so, was it because the A was a ONS, or for another reason?

For me, of the 3 OW, only the stripper knew I existed. WH does not have a name for the stripped or the other ONS. He knows a lot about the last PA, though she never knew I existed, but will not tell me because he doesn't think I need to know, and thinks eventually I will do or say something I'll regret. She didn't know I existed and didn't know WH's last name. (But he knows her full name, where she works, where she went to college, etc.)

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else in the same boat.

doubleboggy posted 10/10/2013 10:18 AM

Not in the same boat but, where does WH get off deciding what you need to know and what you don't need to know. He doesn't get to make that choice for you. You are an adult and he has already left you out of too many decisions. If anything you should be the one determining his actions because he clearly doesn't make good decisions.

Kierst13 posted 10/10/2013 10:23 AM

He is protecting his AP at your expense.

Nature_Girl posted 10/10/2013 10:28 AM

My STBX was registered on cheating websites. I don't know how many, I don't know who. I assume that every woman I see as I go about my daily business could potentially be someone he cheated on me with.

momwith2boys posted 10/10/2013 10:34 AM

I didn't at first. I found sexual messages from on his Facebook with someone that created a fake Facebook page. He told me it was a fling and that I didn't need to know who she was. It drove me crazy! He finally admitted to me months later that it was my friend.

madsadalone posted 10/10/2013 11:00 AM

I have no clue who, how many, where and when they took place... Nothing.

Found one on accident and she is not woman enough to face me in any way, WS got extremely pissed when he found out I tried to confront her.

He also keeps saying that he needs a therapist to help him decide IF I should ever get this information. I content that he did not need a therapist to stick his dick into a whore, he damn sure does not need one to give me the sign on info to read and see for myself what he has been up too for the last seven years....

I am running out of patience with this whole mess that he created.

SpiderGrl posted 10/10/2013 11:07 AM

I know her name and that's about it. Can't find a damn thing on the Internet which leads me to believe that she is ... Lower class for lack of a better word.

mysticpenguin posted 10/10/2013 15:18 PM

I think I agree, Double & Kierst. I kind of think it's a load of bull.

I would not contact her at this point... it would just make me look bad.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 8:38 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 15:36 PM

Hi Mystic - it is hard to reconcile if the WS is not willing to give you 100% transparency. He should be telling you everything you want to know, including the name of the AP. At this point, if he continues to refuse to tell you, my suggestion would be to 180 him.

sad34 posted 10/10/2013 15:38 PM

She phoned me at home so ya I know who she is now!

musiclovingmom posted 10/10/2013 18:19 PM

2/5 I knew personally. 1 I know because they were friends on fb and she outed him. The other 2 were from AFF. He was friends with them on yahoo messenger, but they never mentioned names and their screen names weren't any help.

crazyblindsided posted 10/10/2013 18:59 PM

Yes she worked for him

OldCow18 posted 10/10/2013 20:22 PM

I simply would lose my ever loving MIND if WH refused to tell me who she was. I seriously think I'd be in jail for domestic violence if he wouldn't tell me. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about that.

That being said, OW being a friend of the family is no picnic either. Man this sucks for all of us.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 8:23 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

solus sto posted 10/10/2013 20:33 PM

I only know who the last OW is. I know very, very little about her.

There were others. I know nothing about them, except that at least one was a stripper, and there was a bar-during-a-business-trip ONS.

You might want to tell your husband that a huge chunk of those who end marriages do so because their spouses continued to lie and protect OWs (and/or maintain the secrecy in order to cherish their memories without the tarnish that exposure to air brings).

I'd still be in my marriage if I'd ever been told the truth.

ETA: Well, I'd be in my marriage if I'd been told the truth AND if Mr. Trac-Fone weren't missing a microchip that makes honesty, transparency, empathy, and remorse possible. Alas, he failed on all fronts.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 10/10/2013 20:38 PM

I didn't know who the first OW was for a long time. Just knew she was some girl in Argentina. Found out her name a couple weeks ago, and I confronted her online. Also was able to tell on wBF's facebook exactly when he deleted her as a friend, which was months after he was supposed to have deleted her.

I would insist on the name. He may be trying to protect more lies that he doesn't want you to find out. What you do with the information is your decision, but you should have the right to make that decision yourself.

kickboxer posted 10/10/2013 21:05 PM

My husband has had 3 affairs - 2 ONS and 1 long distance EA.

I know who 2 of them are, but will never know about the bar ho he picked up and took out to his friend's boat to fuck.

It kills me that she could run in any of his circles...for all these years, she could have been popping in and out -- you know through mutual friends and whatnot.

As far as I'm concerned any woman he interacts with could be her...so he'd better not interact with any women - EVER.

mellie99 posted 10/10/2013 21:59 PM

I don't know the identity of any of the ONS (he claims they were random people he met in bars) but I do know the person I suspected he may be having an EA with.

cantgetup posted 10/10/2013 22:15 PM

He knows but he won't tell you? I assume your'e not reconciling?

Lisa2You posted 10/11/2013 00:31 AM

My husband's counselor gave him the advice that he needs to answer any and all questions about the affair. Said the ball is in my court and that he needs to answer whatever I ask, in order for me to heal. Keeping anything secret, or "private" or deciding that I "don't need to know" is another betrayal.

I so agree!

OnAnIsland posted 10/11/2013 00:53 AM

I knew who she was. They were friends through a mutual friend of WH. She was on the Christmas card list, and sent the kids (and WH) gifts. Of course what I didn't know is what is biting me in the butt still....

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