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How do I help her heal?

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hopefulhubby00 posted 10/10/2013 11:16 AM

To give the situation; BS and I have been married 8 year and together 13. I was emotionally distant and pretty negligent in our relationship. I had/am dealing with compulsive masturbation, a porn addiction and something that allowed me to place the blame on her; but up until 2 mos ago I hadn't ever taken that shitty train to the end. I went on a trip without my BS and ended up looking for/hiring a prostitute(while she was 8 mos pregnant). I really can't effectively articulate how horrible my treatment of her was, and not even just what I did on the trip - since we were married - We're only 1.5 mos out but we're seeking IC whenever available (with me in already) and it looks like she's going to get into IC as well to help deal with the grief. We're both going on AD meds.

I know I need to be there for her to vent, and just deal with that stupid little excuse/self pity voice in the back of my head, but I still want to do something more; I've been doing a lot of introspection over the last few weeks and subsequently I think I'm getting a much more healthy appreciation for her as a wife/woman/partner/friend/sexual being. I want to be able to articulate it (like much else) but I have 0.00 credibility.

[This message edited by hopefulhubby00 at 11:35 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

lovemy3boys posted 10/10/2013 11:25 AM

I am in her same situation. I just found out and I hate my SO right now.

I love him and our family so I want to work it out but for now he disgusts me.

You can't help her heal or try to explain it away because it won't happen.

She feels insecure, angry, pissed, betrayed, lied to, not good enough, and like her life is a lie.

I told my SO I am not sure where to go from here and I hope one day I can trust him again but that I have many steps of grief to go through before I can forgive him.

confused615 posted 10/10/2013 11:31 AM

There is a lot you can do to help her heal:

Tell her everything. NO lies. Tell her every single thing about what you did..every detail you can remember..every feeling you felt..all of it. Eliminate any possibility of TT(trickle truth).

Get tested for STD's.

Stay with IC.

Answer all of her questions without blame anger,or defensiveness.

You have put her on an emotional roller coaster that will cause her to be happy one minute and on the floor crying the patient.

She will ask the same questions over and over because she is in shock,and her brain is trying to process it all.

Be completely transparent..give her full access to all of your accounts and your phone..passwords included.

Be takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit.

Shore up your female friends your BW isn't comfortable with.

Read and post here on SI...we have wonderful FWS's who will help you through this.

Do not ever tell her to "just get over it." This will never happen. She can get through it,but not over it.

You put your child at risk by having a one night stand when your BW was 8 months pregnant. Even if you used a condom,you put her and your child at risk. STD's can cause irreversible harm to an unborn child. have you fully come to terms with the danger you placed your child in?(of course,I am assuming you had sex with your BW after the ONS and before the birth). if your BW wasn't tested,she needs to be..even if the baby was born unharmed.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:34 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

hopefulhubby00 posted 10/10/2013 11:39 AM

Just to be clear; I just edited the original to be more clear; I hired a prostitute - I'm still dealing with trying to delude myself into feeling better.

Love - I'm sorry for you. I hope your path is fruitful.

Confused - I haven't had sex with her yet. I came clean after I got back from the trip; and thank you for the advice

[This message edited by hopefulhubby00 at 11:39 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

hopefulhubby00 posted 10/10/2013 11:49 AM

Also; BS just pointed out wording in reply to confused - terminology re: sex is still selfish and detached. I've caught myself saying a lot of self-centered language when talking about sex, I've still got a long way to go to get to a healthy viewpoint =(

cupcakegirl posted 10/10/2013 13:42 PM

I had/am dealing with compulsive masturbation, a porn addiction and something that allowed me to place the blame on her;

It seems for you that porn/Mb'ing graduated to a real life encounter.

One thing you can do is to work on yourself- for become a healthier person. Your wife can also benefit if you are serious and committed. Better chance to save your M.

1. Find yourself a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist)in your area- yes, they deal w/porn issues too. Compulsive means you cannot stop- get help now
2.Start attending SAA meetings- my SAH now facilitates them; they have phone call meetings, and in-person ones in just about every city.
3. Read Milton Magness' book called Thirty Days To Hope and Freedom- My SAH credits this man for helping his healing journey from SA. Magness is also his CSAT.

Being truthful, proactive and taking charge of your own healing shows commitment and integrity. This type of positive behavior will not go unnoticed.

peace, ccg

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 14:13 PM

Thank you for your honest post. It is encouraging that you are willing to be so open and desiring change within yourself. That is the key to ultimately leading a healthier life.

"How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" book is a great resource for a committed fWS to read and put into practice. It is a quick, easy read with things to do NOW that facilitate the healing.

Masturbation and porn...."Every Mans Battle" was a book that changed my life. If you are not a reader a great first step is to commit to no masturbation or porn for 30 days. The goal is to be free from it for life, but 30 days is the first baby step. I literally felt like a new man after stopping. It is soooo worth it. Should have done it decades ago...but I started at an early age (puberty), thought it was "perfectly normal" for man do do this, had regular sex with my wife, wife knew about most of my use of it....all played into a very unhealthy way of living. You will most likely need an accountability partner...let your wife know of your intentions, but I found I needed another man to fully get what I was dealing with.

CSAT is still a great option. I have not ruled it out as an option for me. I have lost count of the days since I stopped masturbation and porn has been at least 4 months...may be 6 months. Ladies...I know this sounds like a small victory, but to a man like me that hardly went a week since my teen years this is a big, life altering change.

God be with you both.

Twentyplus posted 10/10/2013 17:16 PM

So proud of you posting on here! Keep talking. Keep reading.

My signature, big as it is, doesn't tell H's whole secret SA story, encompassing compulsive masturbation from pre-adolescense, 20 year sex buddy affair w/ another broken person that involved financial infidelity, fantasy world, emotional isolation..

It takes both knowledge and courage to see into this window and recover. The best thing you can do for your wife is to heal yourself from the beginning (childhood) forward, from the inside out.

Resources: Patrick Carnes (you), Stephanie Carnes (her), CSAT individual & group counseling for you 12-step fellowship (SAA for you), Feed the Good Wolf online, Recovery Nation online (fantastic FREE workshops). David Wexler "When Good Men..." Claudia Black "Intimate Treason." PTSD recovery resources incl EMDR. Stress reduction practices. Communication skills training. Sue Johnson's "Hold Me Tight." Milton Magness...

You are, both, not alone.

caksh912 posted 10/10/2013 19:51 PM

It is so refreshing to hear someone admitted his wrongs and sincerely want to fix it. Keep trying. I give you a lot of credit.

hopefulhubby00 posted 10/11/2013 01:38 AM

Thanks all for the advice and the recommendations on books. We've got a couple we're going through right now but we'll check them out when we get through what we have (although TBH we haven't felt like doing too much of anything after I did this to us...)

kansas1968 posted 10/11/2013 03:35 AM

Like many of the others, I admire you for asking for help and admitting that it was your problem, not hers.

Advice. Hmmm... well as a BS all I know is that I needed (and need) constant reassurance that I am better than her. It may start to seem redundant to you, but to a BS it is everthing. It destroys our self-esteem. We feel ugly and undesirable. If he just reaches over and touches my face in the car, it means everything.

Just look at her, touch her, and tell her that you were such a fool to almost lose her. Make her believe that her loss would have been your greatest tradgety.

It will take time, but eventually she will beleive.

Good luck and kudos to you for manning up.

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