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User Topic: What do you do with the guilt?
Khloe_2011
♀ 34467
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do u guys handle the guilt of being the one who started the infidelity? Sometimes it just eats me up inside and i am almost 3yrs out!


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3.5 years out and I feel the same. I channel those feelings into continuing to make myself into the best person I can be, and into making my life a fulfilling one.

I don't think the guilt ever really goes away. I think about the fact that I had an affair every day (this website might have something to do with that ) and it's hard to spend time with my XH without it crossing my mind what I did to him.

All we can really do is move forward and do the best we can.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2367 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
GraceRunner
♀ 39856
Member # 39856
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a process for me and I do still feel a lot of guilt and anger towards myself but I think it's absolutely vital to be freed from guilt. What would you tell your child if he failed himself and others? Would you remind him of it 3 years later? We must forgive people for their failures and that includes forgiving yourself. If you are truly sorry for what you've done then let go of the guilt. Stop cultivating it by dwelling on your past failures. Condemnation weakens you. Conviction strengthens you. Focus on becoming convicted about your future and how each day is a new chance to be a better person.


Me - FWW, 38
Him - BS, 42
Married 15 years
2 young daughters
4 month EA/PA, DDAY 10/12

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2013
babbs
♀ 40368
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never been religious until now. Reading passages about forgiveness has really helped and soothed me when I'm in a downward spiral.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
babbs
♀ 40368
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never been religious until now. Reading passages about forgiveness has really helped and soothed me when I'm in a downward spiral.

Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I drew an intense parallel with the most recent season of American Horror Story. One of the characters is haunted by a murder they thought they committed, but then it comes to light that the person isn't dead. After umpteen years.

And the father of the presumed-dead character says, "We rest easy knowing we have our girl ... but the [expletive] that did that to her has to live with that fact every single day of his life."

That's us now. There will never be complete closure for this ... and we must live with our sins every day for the rest of our lives. No matter if we D or if we R. No matter what happens, it will always be there.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Khloe_2011
♀ 34467
Member # 34467
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the comments. I will defintely say that since this whole ordeal, i have been a lot more religious (which i never was) and asking god for forgiveness as well as my husband. I guess this guilt is taking a huge toll because I am also terrified of sharing custody of my children and having them endure not having mama and papa together and family time. During the A i never once thought about how my actions would impact my future children especially since i only saw having children with my BH. Sorry i guess im just venting.


Madhatter FWW (Me): 28
Madhatter FBH-29
T-12yrs M-8
D-day(s)- Mine Dec 2010, His Feb 2011
Wh broke nc and called her March 2011, june 2011 and Nov 2013. Wh saw her and broke nc May 2012
Beautiful son 2 and daughter 5 months
working on R, but ba

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2012
babbs
♀ 40368
Member # 40368
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your last post. I have taken passages from the bible and keep them on my smart phone to read when I'm feeling incredibly guilt ridden. My favorite is:

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

I read this often when I'm sobbing and feeling like the scum of the earth. H and I went to ICC with a therapist that was Christian. I told him I didn't know God per se although I always felt spritual etc. He told me to simply read the bible or even easier than that listen to it. There are SO MANY apps available. SO that's what I've been doing listening to Matthew then Mark and now I'm on Luke. Doing this has brought a lot of peace. H and his family are very Catholic. I was raised Catholic but loosely not too strict. H and I along with the kids are now attending church as a family and I can't tell you how peaceful I feel when I'm just listening to the word of God. I'm not typically the person that would be preaching and I won't do that today... I will gently suggest that if you have found yourself looking for God/Jesus you will find him as he's always been with you- waiting for you..
Blessings.


Posts: 50 | Registered: Aug 2013
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lately, I've been trying to take feelings of guilt, which I then usually transition into self-loathing, and remind myself they serve no useful purpose.

If I'm feeling guilty, ashamed, or otherwise self-focused I am trying to look outward to those I love and think: "What can I do right now to be authentic for myself, and them".

It's taking alot of practice to "do this first" versus descending to dark, lonely places and spinning my wheels. I have those old, counter-productive moves down freaking' pat.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:29 AM, October 11th (Friday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
breakingpoint
♀ 40963
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 13th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to forgive yourself. Not excuse, overlook, or deny. Just admit that you are a flawed human, that you make mistakes, and deserve forgiveness from yourself.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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