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Newest Member: RoreverBlue (61146)

User Topic: I don't know if I'm strong enough
♀ 40647
Member # 40647
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're about 2 1/2 months out and I'm still looking for a MC. I know it's still early but I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

In the beginning I left. Have been back for about a month. I've avoided talking about things with WH because I really want to wait for counseling. I don't feel like this is my home. I'm just running through the motions everyday. I've been keeping my crying fests under wraps for when he's not around until recently. I broke down once and on the verge of one today.

Over something silly. He wants to go on a date. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. We've gone on a couple dates but I always feel so alone. It's like we're friends but not really. We don't hold hands. He doesn't say he loves me. He's there with me but I'm alone.

I don't know if I can keep putting myself through this. I thought I was strong enough.

It takes a strong heart to love. It takes a stronger heart to continue to love after it has been hurt.

I love you but I won't be a fool for you...

Posts: 102 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 32626
Member # 32626
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^This^^^ I hear you and can totally relate

((((hugs broken12))))

I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink

BS(me) 59...STBXSAWH 59
Married 40 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-1st on 10/75, now too many too count.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Utah
♀ 33690
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can also relate. We went to our second session and I was so sad afterwards. I just cried after we got home, of course I hide it from the kids and him. He had already gone to bed so he could get up at 3am to go to work. He asked me when I came to bed if I was ok. I told him that I was just sad. We texted a little yesterday about it and he understood and said it was ok if I felt sad, he understood. We try not to discuss out situation too much out in the open because there always seems to be a kid around. You really should get into either IC or MC, it will help.

ME: BS 40
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 100 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Marion, IL
♀ 40769
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this is so hard. Without talking about things, it can be even harder. I understand waiting for the MC if that's what makes you feel comfortable. All I know is that without talking with him and sharing my pain, we would have never moved forward. And I feel like we are now.
But let me just say this-
You are as strong as you need to be. This is very hard. Accept that and don't EVER hold yourself to some standard of behavior and then feel as if you are not strong enough if you don't achieve it.
You have no idea where this is going, but YOU will be okay. You have the strength for that.
And on days when you feel you aren't as strong, reach out for support and know that there are others that are willing to help you here- and they understand your struggle.
You will be okay. Know that.
I wish you so much peace right now.

Just call me Wonder

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

The axe "forgets"- the tree remembers.

Divorced and super good with tha
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2- June something or other 2017

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You both need to find some help whether it is MC or IC. I am not sure its a good idea to wait any longer

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 37542
Member # 37542
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I can definitely relate. I was a mess after DDay, still am and I'm almost a year out. One thing I was cautioned against on SI is to hold off on making any final decisions or commitments to R or D early on. The only commitment you should make right now is to yourself and your healing.

You are still so new to this mess. There is no rush or deadline to make a decision about your M. Take time for yourself. Grieve, truly grieve. You have every right to.

I am not aware of your back story. Is your WS showing true remorse? If he is, he will understand your need for time. How did he handle it when you broke down in front of him? How does he handle it when you don't?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't wish this on anyone. No one deserves to be treated like this. Please don't be a stranger here. ((Hugs))

BS (Me)
WS (H)
Married 5 yrs; Together 10 yrs

D-Day 11/14/12
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold

Posts: 228 | Registered: Nov 2012
♂ 30079
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do this!
Say it out loud, look at yourself in the miror when you say it. over and over.

I had to do the very same thing. I had an IC who asked me to do it. Guess what I did find the stregth. I found I, like you, have more strength than I ever knew. But boy can I relate to the place you articulate.

You need to go to IC. MC is not as important right now. you need to get your feet back under you. You need to be able to talk through this without focus on your husband or marriage.

But you will get through this one day at a time. With or without your marriage or WS. You can and will find the strength. We are here to support you, You can do it. Let us support you and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

BS- Me (43)
D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
Currently in R.
Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.

Posts: 2071 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you are strong enough. None of us thought we could make it's the worse thing to happen to us but we have all survived. Take comfort in that. I can't even begin to explain how devasted I was. How desperate I was and how when my husband emailed me and told me he wanted to come home I responded with 2 words: Come Home. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have been so quick to let him back home. But, I'm lucky, he is very remorseful and is trying so hard. He is aware that he has committed the worst crime against me possible, and he is prepared to fight for this marriage for as long as it takes and he knows it will take years..............
Hang in there. I wanted to die. I prayed to die, but I didn't. I am still on the fence about wanting to die because I am so friggin tired of all the pain, but I am starting to have a few good days....not great, but they aren't as bleak as they were. In face, today is a good day and I am well aware that tomorrow probably won't be but a good day once a month is better than it was. Incredible as that seems.
We are coming up to 1 year on the 17th Oct, and I am having a very difficult time and I know it'll be very difficult until January 1st when he came home but we will get through it. And so will you.
Keep eating, drinking and writing - it will help. Funny, but I honestly believe that there is a light at the end of this - the longest tunnel in the world.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 1:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another vote - take deep breaths, remind yourself you're alive, find a decent IC. You have all the resources you need to get through this and thrive.

The reason you feel so hopeless is that being betrayed does that to you. One of the best antidotes is to tell yourself you can heal - and to tell yourself the future will be better than the present. Both statements are absolutely true.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice here. But, you can't stick your head under a rock and expect things to get better. It takes work, and part of that is getting in and getting some therapy for most of us. The longer you sit and spin your wheels, the longer it is going to take to move in a positive direction.

You do have what it takes to do this. . . but you have to take action. People are here to help guide you, and we are all rooting for you. It is time!

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3518 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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