In the beginning I left. Have been back for about a month. I've avoided talking about things with WH because I really want to wait for counseling. I don't feel like this is my home. I'm just running through the motions everyday. I've been keeping my crying fests under wraps for when he's not around until recently. I broke down once and on the verge of one today.
Over something silly. He wants to go on a date. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. We've gone on a couple dates but I always feel so alone. It's like we're friends but not really. We don't hold hands. He doesn't say he loves me. He's there with me but I'm alone.
I don't know if I can keep putting myself through this. I thought I was strong enough.
I love you but I won't be a fool for you...
BS(me) 59...STBXSAWH 59
Married 40 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-1st on 10/75, now too many too count.
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
I can definitely relate. I was a mess after DDay, still am and I'm almost a year out. One thing I was cautioned against on SI is to hold off on making any final decisions or commitments to R or D early on. The only commitment you should make right now is to yourself and your healing.
You are still so new to this mess. There is no rush or deadline to make a decision about your M. Take time for yourself. Grieve, truly grieve. You have every right to.
I am not aware of your back story. Is your WS showing true remorse? If he is, he will understand your need for time. How did he handle it when you broke down in front of him? How does he handle it when you don't?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't wish this on anyone. No one deserves to be treated like this. Please don't be a stranger here. ((Hugs))
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
I had to do the very same thing. I had an IC who asked me to do it. Guess what I did find the stregth. I found I, like you, have more strength than I ever knew. But boy can I relate to the place you articulate.
You need to go to IC. MC is not as important right now. you need to get your feet back under you. You need to be able to talk through this without focus on your husband or marriage.
But you will get through this one day at a time. With or without your marriage or WS. You can and will find the strength. We are here to support you, You can do it. Let us support you and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
[This message edited by devasted30 at 1:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
The reason you feel so hopeless is that being betrayed does that to you. One of the best antidotes is to tell yourself you can heal - and to tell yourself the future will be better than the present. Both statements are absolutely true.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
You do have what it takes to do this. . . but you have to take action. People are here to help guide you, and we are all rooting for you. It is time!