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I don't know if I'm strong enough

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broken12 posted 10/10/2013 12:01 PM

We're about 2 1/2 months out and I'm still looking for a MC. I know it's still early but I don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

In the beginning I left. Have been back for about a month. I've avoided talking about things with WH because I really want to wait for counseling. I don't feel like this is my home. I'm just running through the motions everyday. I've been keeping my crying fests under wraps for when he's not around until recently. I broke down once and on the verge of one today.

Over something silly. He wants to go on a date. I could feel my eyes fill with tears. We've gone on a couple dates but I always feel so alone. It's like we're friends but not really. We don't hold hands. He doesn't say he loves me. He's there with me but I'm alone.

I don't know if I can keep putting myself through this. I thought I was strong enough.

yousaid4ever posted 10/10/2013 12:26 PM

^^^This^^^ I hear you and can totally relate

((((hugs broken12))))

bunni972 posted 10/10/2013 13:00 PM

I can also relate. We went to our second session and I was so sad afterwards. I just cried after we got home, of course I hide it from the kids and him. He had already gone to bed so he could get up at 3am to go to work. He asked me when I came to bed if I was ok. I told him that I was just sad. We texted a little yesterday about it and he understood and said it was ok if I felt sad, he understood. We try not to discuss out situation too much out in the open because there always seems to be a kid around. You really should get into either IC or MC, it will help.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/10/2013 13:01 PM

I know this is so hard. Without talking about things, it can be even harder. I understand waiting for the MC if that's what makes you feel comfortable. All I know is that without talking with him and sharing my pain, we would have never moved forward. And I feel like we are now.
But let me just say this-
You are as strong as you need to be. This is very hard. Accept that and don't EVER hold yourself to some standard of behavior and then feel as if you are not strong enough if you don't achieve it.
You have no idea where this is going, but YOU will be okay. You have the strength for that.
And on days when you feel you aren't as strong, reach out for support and know that there are others that are willing to help you here- and they understand your struggle.
You will be okay. Know that.
I wish you so much peace right now.

jjsr posted 10/10/2013 13:05 PM

You both need to find some help whether it is MC or IC. I am not sure its a good idea to wait any longer

disillusioned12 posted 10/10/2013 13:09 PM


I can definitely relate. I was a mess after DDay, still am and I'm almost a year out. One thing I was cautioned against on SI is to hold off on making any final decisions or commitments to R or D early on. The only commitment you should make right now is to yourself and your healing.

You are still so new to this mess. There is no rush or deadline to make a decision about your M. Take time for yourself. Grieve, truly grieve. You have every right to.

I am not aware of your back story. Is your WS showing true remorse? If he is, he will understand your need for time. How did he handle it when you broke down in front of him? How does he handle it when you don't?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't wish this on anyone. No one deserves to be treated like this. Please don't be a stranger here. ((Hugs))

lordhasaplan? posted 10/10/2013 13:19 PM

You can do this!
Say it out loud, look at yourself in the miror when you say it. over and over.

I had to do the very same thing. I had an IC who asked me to do it. Guess what I did find the stregth. I found I, like you, have more strength than I ever knew. But boy can I relate to the place you articulate.

You need to go to IC. MC is not as important right now. you need to get your feet back under you. You need to be able to talk through this without focus on your husband or marriage.

But you will get through this one day at a time. With or without your marriage or WS. You can and will find the strength. We are here to support you, You can do it. Let us support you and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

devasted30 posted 10/10/2013 13:40 PM

Yes, you are strong enough. None of us thought we could make it's the worse thing to happen to us but we have all survived. Take comfort in that. I can't even begin to explain how devasted I was. How desperate I was and how when my husband emailed me and told me he wanted to come home I responded with 2 words: Come Home. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have been so quick to let him back home. But, I'm lucky, he is very remorseful and is trying so hard. He is aware that he has committed the worst crime against me possible, and he is prepared to fight for this marriage for as long as it takes and he knows it will take years..............
Hang in there. I wanted to die. I prayed to die, but I didn't. I am still on the fence about wanting to die because I am so friggin tired of all the pain, but I am starting to have a few good days....not great, but they aren't as bleak as they were. In face, today is a good day and I am well aware that tomorrow probably won't be but a good day once a month is better than it was. Incredible as that seems.
We are coming up to 1 year on the 17th Oct, and I am having a very difficult time and I know it'll be very difficult until January 1st when he came home but we will get through it. And so will you.
Keep eating, drinking and writing - it will help. Funny, but I honestly believe that there is a light at the end of this - the longest tunnel in the world.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 1:41 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 15:27 PM

Another vote - take deep breaths, remind yourself you're alive, find a decent IC. You have all the resources you need to get through this and thrive.

The reason you feel so hopeless is that being betrayed does that to you. One of the best antidotes is to tell yourself you can heal - and to tell yourself the future will be better than the present. Both statements are absolutely true.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

bionicgal posted 10/10/2013 16:00 PM

Good advice here. But, you can't stick your head under a rock and expect things to get better. It takes work, and part of that is getting in and getting some therapy for most of us. The longer you sit and spin your wheels, the longer it is going to take to move in a positive direction.

You do have what it takes to do this. . . but you have to take action. People are here to help guide you, and we are all rooting for you. It is time!

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