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Looking for pros a con if WS joining SI

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/10/2013 12:01 PM

So, I've been part if this amazing community almost from D day. I was lurking a bit before I joined. :)
As many have said before me, it has kept me sane, focused and simply made me feel so much better about this process. It's a beautiful place to be for ugly reasons.
My WH and I have been doing well- as well as we can- rolling through the ups and downs and he has been really truly supportive, etc.
I know he is hurting and dealing with what he has done, and I know it is so hard for him to know what to do and how to help me. I want for him to feel that he has a place to learn and explore and share with people that understand from his side.
I am comfortable with him reading my posts, as I've read most of them straight to him or at least paraphrased for him along the way.
I really would like for him to read some things in the healing library and perhaps hear from/get support from other WS s that are truly working on R.
So I guess I'm just asking what you guys think? Any tips or advice on wether its a good idea or not? Stories of how it helped or hurt your process

Josephine01 posted 10/10/2013 12:06 PM


I think it is a good idea if you don't mind your husband lurking around the place that gives you comfort. It's something else you can share together.

I think my husband is on here somewhere. Just somethings he says and does seems like advice given from other WS on this sight, but I don't want to ask because I would like to think this is my secret place and maybe so would he.

ionlytalkedtoher posted 10/10/2013 12:10 PM

you could just copy and paste the highlights.

I have just said to my husband that there are support groups online for people dealing with this. There are other sites too besides SI. I just threw it out there but he didn't seem interested so that's fine.

Lostinthismess posted 10/10/2013 13:48 PM

My fwh has joined. It was good for us. He was (is) torn up about what he'd done and how to keep going forward. Reading the wayward side, and the longtimers advice is partly what gave him direction on how to keep moving forward, instead of being stuck at just being really, really sorry. Reading the reconciliation forum, and the bumps and hiccups others go through, I think gives him hope. He's deployed now, so SI keeps us talking I think. I send him links to post and he reads them when he has a chance and we can talk about it next time he calls. He's also sent me links, sometimes to ask me if I feel the same way etc.

I don't say things on here I wouldn't say to him, no secrets. But I'm not a very talkative person so I think sometimes he checks to see if I've posted recently to see 'where I'm at' so he can try to do something to help.

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 14:02 PM

I think it is a good thing.

I also notice there are way more BS members and the forums for them are constantly refreshing with new posts. Wayward forum is much more sedate.

Lots of easy reasons as to why that would be.

If you are worried a fWS would use your posts against you...that is a valid concern. In that scenario it would be like playing poker and your opponent can see your cards but you cant see his.

Kicker is...surviving infidelity is no game. If indeed a fWS chooses to engage in such a gamble, it would do nothing but help a BS decide a D is in order. I believe in my heart a couple can survive infidelity. But I also believe that if a fWS engages in the above activity...they are not looking to heal or R a healthy marriage....they are looking to control and manipulate.

So I just don't see a down side to this.

My wife is a member...but not overly active. We have discussed both my posts and her posts. Most of those discussions are about what we DONT like....but I am hopeful someday these posts could be a source of coming together as we discuss similarities or ah-ha moments that these posts create. We have agreed that we won't post on each others threads....that is not acceptable to us. We both desire to feel safe here, so we occasionally discuss "dont share so much can get your point across without given the actual name of the gas station".

Personally, I owe more to this site then any other single resource I have used. And I have read just about all the infidelity books that have 4 stars or higher on Amazon, been in weekly counseling for 1 year, and done 1 week end retreat.

For me to change I needed many avenues to find answers and tips. But this is how I learn.

I just don't see the con's.

neverdidithink posted 10/10/2013 14:03 PM

Seriously, I need to be able to insert the first part of my response to you automatically:

Wondertwin, I'm in exactly the same place right now.

I think H is terrified by my raw emotion and the depth of my pain. I believe he is most terrified that he has caused this pain. I think SI would be really good for him in so many ways, but I'm not ready to share my safe place just yet. He told me last week that I need to be selfish for this first time in my life and I'm doing just that Until I feel like I have my legs under me consistently I'm not going to share. (Though...He has used a couple of words and phrases that make be beleive he could be reading here already.)

Only you can decide what's right for you. Your WH knows about this site - has he shown any interest in reading or joining or is he happy just to read/discuss the posts you bring to him? Asking is he interested in being here vs. are you interested in having him here, kwim?

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/10/2013 14:47 PM

I have seen lots of success stories with Waywards and BS's both using the boards.

I have also seen an epic failure....when my WW joined the boards. Holy cow, huge meltdown.

I like the other previous posters thoughts. But, I would HIGHLY RECCOMEND AGAINST IT IF HE IS NOT TRULY REMORSEFUL.

I would also recommend against making him post. I demanded it from my wife and it really blew up in my face. In my defense I demanded it because...well, she was really f-ing unremorseful and I thought the waywards would preach some sense to her. that did not work out so well.

Plus, right now SI is very safe for you. early on in the R process, it might be best to keep it that way.

Just my thoughts.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/10/2013 15:06 PM

Thank you everyone. I always take all of your advice to heart and it always gives me great perspective.

neverdid- I am so not surprised that once again, my twinnie is in the same place as me. I am happy today and your message tells me you are too. Feels good, huh?

He has offered to come on and told me he would sit with me - if I wanted to and when I am ready. He respects what this is for me and that means the world. And yes- I believe he is truly remorseful. He has not shown a single thing that makes me doubt that.
My father always said- when in doubt, do without.
It doesn't always apply- but I think will take some time to think this one through. Thank you my friends!

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 15:17 PM

I think it works well if the WS is remorseful and committed to doing the work of R.

It's dangerous otherwise - there have been cases in which WSes used false R to gain big advantages over their BSes.

Bikingguy posted 10/10/2013 16:16 PM

It's a mixed bag. I too really wanted WW to join, as I felt she needed a better support system. Still do. However she read many of my posts, which was OK, however many have noticed that some will inject their situation into yours even when it does not fit and some of the responses were "run" even when I posted in the R side of the forum. These really upset her.

I will add that as you know this is a roller coaster process. Same with this topic, some days you will be thankful for WS being a part of SI, some days not so much.

At one point we decided she would not read any posts that I started but was free to read any that I replied to. Unfortunately her lack of self control again got the better of her and she broke her promise. She apologized and said it would not happen again. I told her I didn't know how many more "I am sorries" I could handle and MC decided she she stay away for some time.

I don't really start threads that much anymore partly because of her broken promise and I don't want to test her anymore for fear of another failure.

I do wish she would continue to read from the WS, but I think that has to be her desire as well.

Steppenwolf posted 10/10/2013 16:49 PM

WS here.
SI has been huge for me and for our R. Without it, I would have just fluffed through everything trying to save the marriage. Because of SI, I am digging.

Highly recommend it to all WSs who really want to change behaviors.

jjsr posted 10/10/2013 20:31 PM

I told him about this site but I am glad he didn't join. I wanted a place that was mine so I could vent, scream whatever without having to worry about him. He thought it would be good for me to have a place to come to.

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