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hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/10/2013 12:04 PM

Five years following the recovery phase from my Wife’s first affair I have discovered an active second affair with a family friend 15 days ago. I made the discovery when I noticed excessive texting and calls to his number and searched the messages on the Phone website (all were contained in detail over the past 3 months).

I confronted my Wife and she initially denied and when faces with the information I had she confessed. She blames the affair on the deteriorated stage of our marriage (apparently the first affair was for the same reason) and now says that she is numb and uncertain if she wants to try to fix things with us.

Over the past two weeks I have signed up for IC and seeking repair of myself. I do realize that I have been a major contributor to the state of our marriage. I am the primary bread winner and she is a SAHM (for past 17 years). We have been constantly faced with financial challenges that I have been trying to manage (one of our older children has medical issues and bills are high) and always seem to live day to day (pay check to pay check). Our credit is hosed due to all of the late payments but I have been clearing these up and am finally at a break even point with our debt (no debt now except the mortgage and some lingering collections items (~$2k total).

My Wife states that the marriage was over in her mind about a year ago (of course, was not aware), which us about the time their 4 year friendship started to heat up, and that she feels anxious and nervous near me and dreads coming home due to these feelings. She also stated that she always feels sad and is not sure she can again find happiness with our marriage.

I have stated to her that I accept the blame for the financial issues and have tried to be transparent but that she typically panics with the news and ends up in tears. This pattern led me to hold back (my bad) and try to tackle the challenges by myself with her focused fully on the children (child-centric).

I have told her I accept the responsibility for the state of the marriage but not the affair. My Wife understands but says she feels smothered by me and gets angry when I say I check her cell usage. She feels that I do not trust her and is now paranoid that I have tape recorders and GPSs and am spying on her. I told her that this is not the case and I am just trying to recover from the second affair. She is still in contact with the OM and says that they were and are just friends and that if our marriage had been good that this would have never happened.

My Wife is in IC and has been working on what to do. I would like to reconcile and really transform our relationship but she says she is stuck from the past marital issues and lies of omission, mean things said (rarely by me but some have been tossed in frustration), and general decay of our marriage. Her IC says it is normal for her to feel this way due to the pain she is in and will take time to heal and see which direction we as a couple could take. She says she cannot commit to trying to work towards reconciliation right now because her gut is telling her it is over and her heart in numb.

We have three boys (17, 15, and 13) that she is very close to and protective but says she needs to make this decision for herself and her own happiness. We have had many heart to heart conversations over the past weeks and they all seem to end with her saying she is sorry she cannot give me a commitment at this time,

We did sit down last week and finally went through the finances (first time in about 15 years) and she was shocked at how things sit (we are finally at the point of no debt) and was extremely angry at the state of things. No savings and retirement depleted over the past years to keep afloat and all medical bills paid. My salary is solid and high and we can now start to rebuild and she can get a job. She is not happy about having to get a job but realizes either way (reconcile or divorce) that she needs to now.

Yesterday we had another conversation and that turned to “I put you on a pedestal when we were married and thought our lives would be great. It turns out that this is not the case and now I have to work and am not happy about this situation”.

My question is, is this the pain of being found out, or should I just give up hope. I am fearful that her inability to decide to reconcile is that the OM is still in the picture as more than a friend and I am a life line at the moment.

MovingUpward posted 10/10/2013 12:56 PM

“I put you on a pedestal when we were married and thought our lives would be great. It turns out that this is not the case and now I have to work and am not happy about this situation”.

Two affairs that you know of and you were on the pedestal? I am not buying that. And the attitude about work is self centered. Honestly I think she is frustrated that you've found out. She's feeling like she has to get off of the fence.

She needs to own her infidelity like you are owning the financial issues.

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/11/2013 00:25 AM

Since discovery#2 my wife has stated that if our marriage was good the affair would never have happened and she is trying to work on maintaining her friendship with OM and see where we end up (attempt reconciliation or divorced). With the money issue and her as a SAHM needing a job she says she feels trapped and smothered. Also does not want to hurt the kids but says she needs to consider herself and is affraid that if we try to reconcile she is affraid things will not improve and the "other shoe will drop".

I am torn between just leaving and letting her go and sticking it out to see if we have any chance and if this is fog or really how she feels.

kansas1968 posted 10/11/2013 00:46 AM

Well, number one, and the most important point, is that NOTHING that you did or did not do contributed to her having an affair, and certainly not two affairs. I would be done if I were you. I would be seeing an attorney.
She is never going to recover from her need until there is something she risks losing, and in this case it is you and her safe family.

All of us have financial worries and stresses and if we all used those for an excuse to have an affair, we would all have affairs.

The problem is with her, not with you. Until she is faced with loss because of her behavior, she will continue that behavior.

You need to get tough with her. You need to be (or at least seem) strong and masculine. That you are not willing to put up with this behavior. Draw the line in the sand. She may turn around or may not, but this is no life for you to live. Having a wife that repeatedly turns to other men for her validation.

You are more valuable than that, and should demand to be treated decently. So sorry she is doing this to you, but she is the broken one. You are not. Hugs.

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/11/2013 08:52 AM

Thank you Kansas and I hear what you are saying. I often wonder why I continue to try to make this work when she does not reach out to me to help with the pain of the betrayal and is saying that she if afraid to move forward towards reconciliation and is becoming uncomfortable with intimacy (hugging and kissing).

StrongerOne posted 10/11/2013 16:52 PM

Oh please!

Share this one with your WW: my child's medical bills, the FIRST year after he was diagnosed, seven years ago, were more than my H and I made together, before taxes. Three years ago, his chemo was FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH. (That didnt include any other medical expenses, of which there were many.). You better believe we do not make 40,000 a month.

Oh, and I felt pretty lonely in my marriage at that time, too.

And yet, strangely enough, I did not have an affair.

Tell Mrs. Oh Poor Me to stop whining. She's not happy with the marriage? Go to MC. Go to IC. Get a D. She has to work outside the home? Boo freaking hoo. GROW UP.

And tell her to stop lying to you and to herself about the OM being just a friend.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/11/2013 17:07 PM

Goddamn this pisses me off.

Jeez, the marriage hasn't been great since her first affair? And that's your fault? Fuck that noise. (Sorry, I am very angry for you).

My wife said the same shit about the marriage being over. Coincidentally the time it was over was shortly after she had started screwing somebody else. Three months before, it had been just dandy.

She feels that you don't trust her? What exactly has she shown you to demonstrate that she is trustworthy in the slightest? Damn right you don't trust her. And in my opinion you shouldn't trust her in the least.

She is still in contact with the OM and says that they were and are just friends and that if our marriage had been good that this would have never happened.

Bullshit. I suppose it was your fault she had the first affair too? Not the case my friend. You were in the same marriage and you weren't cheating.

You said your financial situation isn't great. I am sorry to hear that. Here's the upside to that. Separate. Kick her out. Let her figure out how to make ends meet on her own. I guarantee that she will snap out of the fog real quick when she realizes that she is gonna have to be a big girl and figure out how to live on her own. I doubt that she is going to be able to move in with the OM and his family.

I said this on your other thread. Who cares what she decides? Don't give her the option. You decide. Decide to take control back. See a lawyer, get her out of the house. Expose the affair. You decide to take control of your life. Then, after you get control back, you can decide whether this person is worth giving a THIRD chance.

You can't control her. You can't make her change. but you can control you and your life. Again, read up on the 180.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 10/12/2013 09:03 AM

Since discovery#2 my wife has stated that if our marriage was good the affair would never have happened and she is trying to work on maintaining her friendship with OM and see where we end up (attempt reconciliation or divorced). With the money issue and her as a SAHM needing a job she says she feels trapped and smothered

Wrong. It's the other way around. The marriage and all her rewriting of the history would NEVER have had troubles if she had NEVER brought in a third person. That will always mess with a relationship in a very bad way. Much worse than almost any other cause of stress.

Her feeling smothered, anxious, sad, nervous about you coming home, is all her physical and mental response to the stress her hiding secretive cheating has caused her over all the time she's been doing it. It really takes a toll on WS nerves, and then the WS thinks these results are due to you (not trusting her? yada, yada, yada). No. No. No.

I agree with kansas and superduper.

You were working your butt off to take care of the money issues and she doesn't even recognize all you did? She lacks serious understanding and empathy. Because of her 1st A that you were healing from that sucked the life out of you, and then the 2nd A, no wonder she never saw how much you were doing for the family. She was completely distracted and not present in your marriage all this time at all. So truly selfish.

She's proven it long term how her brain works. Do you want to live like this forever? This can take a very long time in and out of IC for her to get her head together because her confusion is very much set in her mind.

I'm aware that none of us are perfect. Please, don't take on at all that you in any way caused any of this. None of it.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:05 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/12/2013 09:12 AM

Thank you for the feedback and it does help me see that I am fighting a one sided battle and need to step way back and see how this plays forward. She is in IC (as am I now) and told me that he agrees with her on being hurt these past years and it will take time to see what direction she should take. I feel that the direction should be to resolve the affair issues then see if I want to move forward. 180 hard it is and continue to work on me.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 10/12/2013 09:52 AM

If her IC truly said that then IC does not know anything about infidelity. So I wouldn't hold out hope. I think she needs a new IC.

Now, if these are just your WS paraphrasing, that's different. IC may not have truly said nor agreed with her being "hurt these past" years as the reason for what she's experiencing.

Many IC's don't know diddly squat about infidelity and can cause more problems in the relationship right away. Really need an infidelity experienced IC and not take a chance.

The first one I saw, I recognized in the 1st 15-30 minutes she made a statement/question that was empathetic to xwf(not present). Fortunately I picked up on it immediately and I thought I'd have to defend myself during all our sessions coming up. That stressed me and made me mad. I needed someone to in my corner, not his. Realizing I was very vulnerable to more emotional blackballing, I vowed never to go back to her even once.

And I have to throw this out there: and now your ws is a serial "offender". The "biggy" the right IC has to address.

Yes, 180 will help you.

Protect yourself, hurtby. She's got problems not related to you at all.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 10:00 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

tooanalytical posted 10/12/2013 10:45 AM

When I confronted my wife, I told her I loved her but there was no way in hell was she going be sleeping around while married to me. I gave her my conditions to R on that day. Otherwise I was prepared sit down with her immediately to list our assets, visit an attorney to start the D process, and hash out a plan to tell the kids and family in the next few days.

She came out of the fog right then. I gave her my conditions. No contact. If I caught her talking to him again, I am gone. No more lies. If I caught her lieing to me again, I was gone. She needed to work on fixing herself and her FOO/self-esteem issues so that I could feel safe again. Otherwise, I was gone.

doggiediva posted 10/12/2013 10:57 AM

Superwonderboy, I am pissed for hurtbyaffair 1 also..These unremorseful self entitled WS's are P.O.S's...

I like your advice and I followed it in my own sitch..

Or I tried to..

Only problem is that our house is paid off.. No mortgage payment to deal with.. House is in both WH's and my names..

WH refused to be kicked out, to leave..
He is unemployed and from what I can see he intends to stay that way..I am gonna have to file when I have enough of my ducks in a row..

hurtbyaffair 1 may have to file before his WS can be kicked out..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:02 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

happyman64 posted 10/12/2013 11:41 AM


Your wife is full of crap and her IC needs a head exam as well.

You keep up the 180.

Then take a few bucks and file for D.

Tell your wife how long D will take and she has that time to show you:

A. That she can tell you the truth.
B. That she can honor her vows.
C. That she is capable of earning her keep and holding a job.

Stop listening to her crap. Take that same amount of time to work on your issues.

She is not remorseful and fence sitting.

What a shame you did not pack a bags for her and drop her off at the OM's house.


hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/12/2013 15:11 PM

This site was a godsend last time and is proving to be this time as well. I want to thank everyone for their input and this is helping me to hold my head up and be proud of what I have contributed to my marriage. I am beginning to realize I can only change me and that is where my focus should be.

I am done taking the crap for the state of our marriage - we are both in this together and have to live with our choices. I am committed to making changes to myself for me and becoming a better person in the process.

This site is a ray of hope in a very gloomy situation.

hard_yards posted 10/12/2013 15:37 PM

I am done taking the crap for the state of our marriage

I'm so relieved that you've come to this conclusion.

Isn't it mind boggling how we can buy into their delusional thinking?

Your WW needs a wake-up call, she needs to start providing more than just a clean house and three meals a day, she needs a job and to start contributing.

Your kids are old enough not to need mum round 24/7, and if she's so "shocked" at the state of your finances, then here's her opportunity to help out.

As for her cheating, well, if I've ever heard a case of misplaced justification, this is it.

There is no acceptable reason to have an A, of any kind, be it EA, PA or ONSs. There are many things that can be done if a relationship is struggling along, having an A would be the most destructive of them all.

Her IC sounds like he/she is buying into her misplaced justifications, so there's no help to be gained there.

IMHO, start to create a life for yourself, get out, do things, see things, go places.... give her the option of joining you (see what her intentions are) but let her see you living life and getting on with it.

And of course, the OM has to go, completely. How disrespectful of her to think you would ever entertain the idea of her continuing contact of any kind with him.... in a way, this says everything about her.

I'm so sorry you find yourself dealing with this, but stay strong, hold your self-respect and integrity close, you'll be ok, this will get better.

[This message edited by hard_yards at 3:38 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/14/2013 07:18 AM

I cannot understand one day (or is seems 1 hour) from another on my Wife's conversations with me. It seems that she is shifting between remorse and "it is over" depending on the hour.

Just yesterday she broke down and blamed herself for the affairs and is trying to understand what it is about her that leads to this behavior. Then, an hour later, she is stating that she is not sure of her (our) direction and sorry she cannot give me an answer"

Last night seemed to be in the middle and her comments to me were "I think I am afraid because I am not sure I can do this alone"; then laughed because she said "Isn't that typical for me". She then went on to say that she has always relied on me to take care of things and is afraid what will happen if I decide to leave.

I just don't get it. I thought I would be the one to bounce between these feelings and it looks like she is behaving as if I was the one who betrayed the marriage. Could I have been that crappy of a Husband all these years and she just has that much anger built up against me?

Wow. Cannot wait for Therapy this week for me. I feel like I am keeping a sinking ship afloat as I wait for some realization on her part and commitment to move forward to build a new marriage together. I think I am getting tired already and may not last much longer holding out hope.

heartache101 posted 10/14/2013 07:33 AM

Pack her bags if she is still talking seeing OM! Kick her out if she is still seeing or speaking to him. A marriage has 2 people not 3.

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