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I'm looking for some feedback and suggestions on what to do next with regard to my D.

I hired a L and filed for D on June 4. STBXWH is bipolar and an attorney, so it's been a very difficult ride due to his never ending side show of filing baseless restraining orders and other insane court filings. He and OW (who is borderline) made my life pure hell over the past few months.

As a result, L used up the retainer dealing with the insanity. Once the retainer was gone, she wanted off the case. She basically bullied me until I finally signed the paper releasing her. We had a hearing this week which went my way. I was so scared, but actually got him to blatantly lie in front of the judge. He's representing himself.

Now I'm stumped on what to do next. STBXWH wanted to S right after dday and has never wanted a D, but I'm over it. I'm not the back up option and don't care to ever speak to him again.

I don't know if I should try to find another attorney and keep moving forward or go in the direction of mediation. Hiring a new L is going to cost more money, and as of right now he's not helping me with anything. I am entitled to alimony and attorneys fees, but we still haven't gotten anywhere with discovery.

I've been told that we are not good candidates for mediation because of his volatility. He kept almost all of the community property and destroyed some of the stuff I was going to take. He reneges on all of his promises. I told the judge the only thing that's consistent about him is that he's inconsistent in keeping his word and telling the truth.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated.

You can only succeed with mediation if there are two people who actually want TO mediate to come to an understanding. I really do think that you need to retain another lawyer. And frankly, I would get the biggest bulldog/shark cross at this point because you're going to need someone who is unafraid and aggressive.

Thank you so much for responding, Skan. I really appreciate it.

I feel so beat up by everything that I didn't even find any relief after standing up for myself against him and winning. I just sat in my car and cried afterward.

I'm conflict avoidant and was wondering if maybe mediation was a more peaceful way to proceed, since this way has been rough. Plus, l think my L was ineffective with him.

I don't know anything about mediation so it's very helpful to know both people have to want it.

Mediation only works if you both want the same end result. You have to be willing to compromise, give things over to the other, work towards a resolution (divorce).

It does not sound like he would do any of that.

I think you are going to need an attorney who can go to battle for you. Your STBX sounds like he is in it for the fight, not to end this.

...he doesn't sound like mediation material...

I guess you have two choices. 1) Stay S, which I'd only see as viable if you are in a better position financially or in some other way than you would be post-D. and only if you get NC and don't have to deal with him at all. (Not saying it is a great option but it is an option.) Or find a pitbull atty. The judge will tire of his antics, eventually.

Sorry rainbows - sounds like a tough row to hoe.

Hi Rainbows,

You definitely should find another attorney, and forget mediation. Start interviewing attorneys to find out their style in dealing with NPD assholes.

I suggest you make up a list of questions to ask that relate to HOW they handle cases where the other party lies and tries to manipulate.

What process do they use to get to a final decree? How do they handle it when the other party deliberately creates chaos? How do they help you keep your attorney fees reasonable vs actually make progress on the divorce? How do they manage frivolous shit so it doesn't consume their time?

The other thing I would do is ask yourself: if you cannot get blood from a stone, and you cannot "discover" anything useful from your STBXWH, what can you walk away from, just so you can move on with your life?

For example, if you got a D tomorrow that gave you NOTHING - no assets, no debts, no spousal support, what would your life look like going forward as you rebuild all by yourself and starting with only what you have right now? Start working on a stripped-down vision of your new beginning. If today is rock bottom, tomorrow can be one step forward and upward.

I would focus on getting a L that can FREE you from this asshole. You just need to cut ties and get the fuck away from him. ASAP. The cost to your sanity is too great to have a protracted battle that consumes attorney fees without yielding you any significant financial benefit.

Of course there is probably significant financial benefit to a good D outcome that gives you some assets as well as some SS. But the fight for it has a cost.

You said you are entitled to attorney fees, but has the judge ordered STBXWH to pay your attorney fees?

Sending hugs and strength ((((Rainbows))))

He would only use the Mediation session to bully you. Don't open yourself up to this. You have to remember he does NOT have your best interests at heart and never will again. You are his enemy.

Time to fight back with everything you can. You can lick your wounds later. Right now you have to look after yourself as best as you can and as agressively as possible. Hugs.

We've tried mediation and XPervert doesn't follow the decree or rules of mediation at all, so it's been a real waste-of a whole lot of time and even more money.

Mediation is not easy either, because attitudes still come out and in these meetings there's no judge to keep peace or ask people to be polite. I've been harassed, insulted and other things during mediation and my lawyer has sometimes been like a parent to the XPervert and defense.

And they're not doing some of the papers that have been requested, either, so this will have to go in front of a judge anyway...things like debt I've asked him to work on or at least make arrangements and he ignores.

Also, some lawyers I've heard drag mediation out and have used it to get the "other side" to wrack up bills, so watch for this...if your XWH is bipolar, that's really hard. I've wondered about XPervert again because of some things he said lately that are opposite of before.

I, too, am going to try for alimony, for it would be used and greatly needed to pay rent.

I'm sorry, Rainbows. I'm sorry you had to start over with L and that some of your belongings have been damaged.

Often I ask myself, why couldn't XPervert just cheat and not do the other stuff? I think that of your XWH, too.

Thank you so much for the responses and feedback. I really needed the push and encouragement. This whole process has been so much harder than I expected, but have a list of lawyers to start calling.

Right now I've walked away from everything and am pretty darn bitter about it. I invested 10 years of my life and everything I had into that marriage and home. My share of the equity in the house is enough to get me started in a small condo somewhere and give me some security.

I was ok letting go of the alimony if he took over his bills, but he's not even doing that. He keeps offering and never pays. We haven't even gotten to the point where the judge could rule on it yet. He creates a circus every time his financial discovery is due diverting attention away from it.

My former L believed he's hiding a lot. He must be hiding something because he just left for a two week vacation with OW today (and she's broke).

Having just gone through 8 hours of mediation over the last two weeks I can say I'm no farther ahead than when we started. And I've even gone backwards. He has offered less and less with every offer.

For me it was a complete waste of time and money! Get that shark L and get what you can. Especially if you get awarded L fees.