Haven't posted in a while. I've been trying to come to terms with everything that has happened. I found out about some of WH affairs on 6/8/13.I've limped, crawled and cried my way thru his TTing thru early Aug. while trying to care for 3 kids and do grad school as a full-time student.
I've been trying to accept that my entire world has been shattered to pieces.Trying to be strong and make rational decisions despite feeling very irrational and angry at times.
I'm trying to accept that I stepped outside of my values and spent time talking and texting another man for 6 weeks trying to understand why my beloved husband would do what he did.
My actions were wrong, and I should feel bad, but a part of me feels my WH has dogged me out for so long while putting forth a happy, loving spouse routine that he doesn't deserve my consideration.The sadness and hopelessness I've felt has now given way to extreme anger.
WH seems to be truly remorseful and doing IC and MC. He is opening up more and being really supportive, but I'm emotinally and mentally drained. Not sure I even like him anymore. To know he is the type of person who carried on with numerous women for years all while I poured out my heart to him. To know he watched me struggle with depressiona, stress and health issues due to the strain of the marriage. To know he repeatedly denied for years he was being unfaithful is just too much. I don't think I have it in me to do it. He wants to R, but I want to run far, far away from him and this god-awful smoldering mess he's dumped in my life. Today, I feel lots of hate toward him.
Sorry for the rant...just weary with it all.