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chinup posted 10/10/2013 13:02 PM

I am so sad and betrayed and sleepless and all These other feelings rolled up into a ball of tremendous emotional pain and worry.

Short version is I got a var as I suspected my husband of infidelity. I now have evidence but I know he found the var, turned it off and put it back in its spot but I have recovered it.

So I need a plan and I am immobilized by fear and grief and sadness. It took every ounce if strength and courage and what little free time I have to do that . I should have had someone else listen to the var. it was too much for me . Nightmares all night . Little sleep. We did have a fight last night so at least I don't have to pretend to be happy when he gets home but I know he knows about it and i know what is on it . I barely function as it is with depression from living with his suspicious behaviors. Now I have to be strong and stand up when all I feel I can do is melt in a puddle in the floor and dissipate into nothing . Yes i have an ic next week. Have seen a lawyer before . I really need help to hold it together and make a plan iof action. Also if this posts more than once I am having problems with my device.

Crushed1 posted 10/10/2013 13:09 PM

((((chinup)))) I can only imagine that what you heard was nauseating and shattering, I am sorry for your pain.

jjsr posted 10/10/2013 13:09 PM

you need to take care of yourself, sleeping, eating etc. Also if you want to D then please go see a lawyer and protect yourself

chinup posted 10/10/2013 13:28 PM

Thank you! I am managing though it is difficult. I am not sure what I want to do with my marriage. I just don't know. Heart and brain cannot agree.

chinup posted 10/10/2013 13:47 PM

I feel like I can't even begin to make a decision unless I know the extent of the infidelity and whether my husband would r. We have a lot to lose if we divorced. Married a long time and children still at home. There is enough good to think about staying Things cannot keep going the status quo now though . I don't know if I should get friends involved , confront at ic , etc . But I have to do something soon.

chinup posted 10/10/2013 13:56 PM

He was involved in a 2-year ea about 11 years ago. I have had suspicions last 3 years including an actual meet up with a single woman to go bike riding about 2 years ago and then I found a dating profile about a year ago that I'm pretty sure is him but he denies and has kept it up. I smelled sex in his breath around the same time as finding the profile. He denied and called me crazy and said no way I could smell that. A few weeks ago he manscaped himself and acted guilty when I noticed instead of saying he did it for me. This week when we were intimate I could smell perfume on his shirt which is probably from the tyrst I heard in my var. I know he is using Craigslist too. I need to find a way to make it stop so I can even think straight ! I am so traumatized right now.

momentintime posted 10/10/2013 14:00 PM

He knows you know. You have to address it. If you don't he will just act like nothing is going on and you will be dying inside. Get it out in the open, but before you do, try to write down what you remember. He will try to talk around it and you will get confused and second guess what you heard. Write it down before he starts with all his lies, then you can refer to it and know you aren't crazy.

jemimapd posted 10/10/2013 14:08 PM

I am so sorry. If you read my story you will see that I found out via a VAR. I am glad now. I had irrefutable evidence which stood me in good stead in the months that followed.

It helped me stay grounded in the truth

Ten months and so much more has come out, all of which I uncovered, WH has never been totally truthful. I found out yet more today.

I wasn't ready to contemplate divorce in the early days. I gave reconciliation 100%. You don't have to make that decision yet. Focus on caring for yourself and trying, as much as any of us can, to establish the truth.

teeghan posted 10/10/2013 14:08 PM

I do not know what a var is but i want to say i think you are better off for you and kids and your sanity to move on.

Trust me it is hard. I am moving on after being battered on Saturday which was my birthday. My kids and i are under a tpo and are in hiding. I have no money but i am not putting my kids in that. You and your kids deserve to be happy and to know the truth. Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.

jemimapd posted 10/10/2013 14:13 PM

VAR is a digital voice-activated recorder

chinup posted 10/10/2013 15:03 PM

I know I cannot confront by myself. He will employ all his various maneuvers to gaslight me and make me feel like I am crazy .

So I need a day or so. Also I am not sure it is wise to talk straight away about the var but say I know he is having sex with other people and tell me about it but I don't think he will say anything helpful.

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