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Why can't I pull the trigger?

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sparklezombie posted 10/10/2013 14:29 PM

Wh is a serial cheater. He's been with 10-11 women during our marriage. He has also carried on a three year affair with one roman in our town, ea and pa. We've separated twice before. Each time he asked me to come back. I never went crawling to him.

This last time of dd has been rough. He has given me trickle truth. I dont trust him. He says he wants to work it out, that he realizes what a mistake it was, etc. but I don't feel true remorse from him.

And yet, I can't pull the trigger. My ic told me to think about why I can't follow through on my boundaries, why I didn't follow through and make him leave the house. And I don't really know why. Change is hard. Giving up my lifestyle and the dream of what I wanted my family to be is hard. I posted earlier this week about feeling as though I live a life of quiet desperation. And I do. I feel like I'm dying inside a bit more every day. And yet it's still hard to find the courage to make him leave.

Undefinabl3 posted 10/10/2013 14:59 PM

There was a great story that someone posted here a while back.

A man walking down the street encountered folks sitting on their porch and a dog lying on the porch whining and groaning.

He asked the folks why the dog was acting that way . . .

"Because he's lying on a nail" they replied.

"Why doesn't he get up?" the man asked.

"Because it's not hurting bad enough" they replied. . . . .

There could be many reasons.

You dont want to be alone

You still have denial that the could have done this to you.

You still think that he can change.

You are scared of change, of trying again, of building a new life.

Fear is a powerful motivator. It can motivate into action, or it can motivate you in to inaction.

MovingUpward posted 10/10/2013 15:00 PM

He says he wants to work it out, that he realizes what a mistake it was, etc. but I don't feel true remorse from him

I think that you want to believe him because as you said later on of

Giving up my lifestyle and the dream of what I wanted my family to be is hard.

Changing a dream is very difficult. It sounds like you need some time to see either a true change and remorse or continued false promises.

There comes a point when you realize that you aren't happy as things are. That the lifestyle isn't going to make you happy. Then you'll be able to pull the trigger. If you are not there yet then definitely do what your IC has asked. Also if you haven't set out your boundaries and watch to see if WH is continually breaking them.

When I was struggling in a similar stage to yours. I soon found that her words gave me hope and that I was forgetting about her actions. It took to putting down my boundaries and each day seeing how she was doing in not crossing them. What I had found out is that she was repeatedly crossing them to her whim and then would attempt to use words to placate me. I realized how good of a manipulator she was. From then on things became clearer for me.

LivingALie posted 10/10/2013 15:12 PM

I read your profile and if its still current, you did say you were thinking of moving in with your daughter. Could you do that one step? Move in with her. It doesn’t have to be permanent, you don’t have make all the decisions at once “what will I do…finances..living arrangements” Moving in with your daughter doesn’t mean you’ll get a divorce, it means you’re moving in with your daughter for a while.

Sometimes when we get overwhelmed with the whole big picture – we don’t do anything at all.

You talk about your dreams of what you want your family to be – is this what you’re living now – your dream? Maybe examine again – what is your dream now? Maybe it’s a new one – and a new one, or a change – doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all.

I hope I helped in some small way –your post really touched me.

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 15:53 PM

What happens if you ask yourself a different question:

What do you need to enable you to assert your boundaries?

sparklezombie posted 10/10/2013 16:17 PM

Been thinking this afternoon. Part if my issue is that I haven't been an awesome and loving wife who always filled his love bank. And I feel guilty. I've never cheated but I've been distant, mean, snarky etc. I think I feel like I have a hand in the demise of our marriage and therefore feel guilty and feel the need to stick in and fix it.

sparklezombie posted 10/10/2013 16:53 PM

I also hate seeing his pain. It makes me uncomfortable and I back down from my boundaries. I don't like that . It makes it hard to stand up for myself

SisterMilkshake posted 10/10/2013 17:03 PM

I've never cheated but I've been distant, mean, snarky
Who wouldn't be if this was going on:
He's been with 10-11 women during our marriage
I don't feel true remorse from him.
It would be different if you felt he had true remorse. I could understand you feeling guilty for not giving him a chance, but you feel he doesn't have true remorse. You feel like he really isn't sorry?

Dr. Phil says people don't do things unless they are getting a pay off. Can you maybe figure out what your payoff is and then see that the payoff you are getting isn't worth the price you are paying?

SisterMilkshake posted 10/10/2013 17:09 PM

I also hate seeing his pain. It makes me uncomfortable and I back down from my boundaries. I don't like that . It makes it hard to stand up for myself
I feel this last post explains a lot. It sounds to me like you have some big co-dependency issues. Has your IC brought this up? And, if so, what is she having you do to stop your co-dependency?
I also hate seeing his pain.
This is/was so much like me. I was the great healer of all pain to everyone in my family. I feel I am somehow responsible for healing everyone's pain. It. Isn't. My. Job. Or. Yours.

Ostrich80 posted 10/11/2013 04:42 AM

For a minute I had to check the user name, thought this was something I posted and didn't remember. I get it. My ic asked me why my ws feelings were more important than mine, when I said, I know when I make him leave he's going to be sad and lonely. She asked me, aren't you sad and lonely? I've always made sure others felt good at my own expense. I'm not complaining, its just what I've done. I figure I can handle it better I guess. It makes me so uncomfortable to confront someone, I would rather be miserable, so I guess that's why I havent pulled the trigger either. I know I will regret the time I've wasted doing this and my ic is trying to help me get my voice. It's very difficult and something some people don't understand. I wish I was one of those
women that refused to put up with bullshit and asserted myself..but I'm not. I just keep hoping he will leave so I don't have to push him out. I'm sure he knows this and that's why he does it. I just wanted you to know, your not alone.

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