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hopeful18 posted 10/10/2013 14:37 PM

On Tuesday we met with mc separately for 15 mins each and then together for 30 mins. Not the usual format but I think mc was wanting to see what was up because we gave had a rough month.
I felt good by the end of the hour because wh admitted that he was feeling frustrated that I was having a couple if really bad weeks in late August. If you read my other posts he then turned back to some mean and defensive behavior. I really shut down and have been busy with many other non A things that need attention. I told mc that if he asked wh how our week was he would think it was great. Mainly becsuse it was conflict free, a did not come up and we had some fun activities. I have a sadness about the infidelity. Mc explained to him that it needs to be discussed and it is unfair to be angry at me for being down. I must say he was really a savior! I think he got through to wh. Wh apologized to me and said he understands why that was wrong. That he caused this and he has to be more patient.
So, it's been two days and not one word about it except briefly at a short lunch right after mc. I do not want to bring it up. I want him to and I thought he would. Heading into a long busy weekend with the kids. I am just shocked at his lack of reaching out after mc. Am I rushing it? It has been a busy couple if days. But we are always busy. If he does not say anything through the weekend I am really going to be upset. Not that I am not now! But really angry.
In July I thought he finally got it, maybe I finally felt safe enough to show my sadness. And now I am doubting if he gets it.

SpiderGrl posted 10/10/2013 15:08 PM

I have a question about the wayward's bringing up the A, too. Mine does not, unless I ask or start it will not be brought up.

My MC basically said that he won't. If they could they'd never mention it again. Makes sense but what do we need to require of them?

sisoon posted 10/10/2013 15:23 PM

I know a lot of BSes want their WSes to bring up the A. Our R is going well, and my W never has done it, with 2 exceptions.

She had a lot of little crap from ow. We got rid of everything we could find within a few days of D-Day, but occasionally W would find something else, and she brought those things to my attention. Also, over time she remembered new aspects of her betrayal, and she brought those to my attention.

Of course, I never depended on her to discuss he A. If I had a Q, I asked it. I have some Qs right now, but I can't put them into words yet - when I do, I'll ask.

blakesteele posted 10/10/2013 20:51 PM

There is a difference between bringing up questions and badgering...I have done both regularly. I have done both well!

Badgering is destructive, questions are constructive.

I am still learning how to question without badgering...so no valuable advice here.

I do offer this up...this is not a competition, this is not a game. It is not helpful to go in with the attitude....I brought it up last time, it is his time to bring it up now.

As Sisoon says...if you have a legitimate question, ask it. Give your WS an opportunity to engage you. Try not to get defensive...it is likely you wont like the answer or that the WS will even be willing to answer the question. If this happens DONT bring up the list of failures they have accomplished. It is counterproductive and is hurt that is unnecessary. Dang if I haven't done that.

My struggle really comes into play when my fWS says she is going to do something...then fails to do it. Such as respond to an email in 2 days....5 days later no email. I ask her about it...she apologizes and does it. I HATE those moments....but also realize my wife was like this all of our marriage.

This is tough. Realize all involved will stumble. Keep trying to engage...don't keep score of who is doing it more often.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:52 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]