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To snoop or not to snoop. That is the question

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notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 15:44 PM

We are more than 2.5 years from DDay and have mostly reconciled. He has been working hard, and the OW has never been heard from. But, there is a part of me that nags from time to time that he has not told me everything. So, now I have a means to find some things on his Facebook that I may not have seen before. But, doing this requires unblocking the OW. I am debating whether or not to tell him that I am going to do this. On one hand, I don't want to give him any opportunity to delete things. On the other hand, I want to do my part and communicate honestly with him. What do you think?

pewpewpew posted 10/10/2013 15:47 PM

What do you think he hasn't been honest about?

Jrazz posted 10/10/2013 15:49 PM

I think that unblocking OW is giving her a window back into your life. I don't like that idea.

I'm still not 100% sure I've gotten the whole story from Crazz, but weighing that against crack-ass COW having ANY access to my family, I'd just as soon leave things be. I got ENOUGH information for me. I think.

Here's the other thing - I'm pretty FB savvy and I cannot fathom what unblocking the OW is going to give you access to. Certainly nothing historical - unblocking doesn't make conversations reappear or anything.

So let's take a step back. Is the urge to snoop coming from more than 2 year old doubts, or are there new flags? If there's nothing new, I wouldn't want to see you crack this pandora's box back open. Unblocking will send her a signal, and she will read it as "I'm interested in seeing what you're up to."

I say don't to it. Step away from the FB.


Truly posted 10/10/2013 16:09 PM

I agree with Jrazz.

Fb is a minefield and no one needs to open that gate once it's closed.
But is something putting up a red flag for you today? Why after so long?
Or is today just a triggery kinda day?

I'm very cagey about FB... gives those women/men an opportunity to keep just trying to open that bloomin' gate a crack...grrr

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 16:17 PM

Hi Pew - I'm not sure. I just keep getting this gut feeling that something doesn't add up.

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 16:22 PM

Thanks everyone. This is something I've been having a hard time with. I'm one of those that needs to have every minute detail. Just like so many of you, I was trickle-truthed and fed a lot of changing stories. So, now I've verified everything he's told me, but my gut is screaming that there is something else. It's been screaming for a long time, actually.

Jrazz posted 10/10/2013 16:29 PM

I get the ambient screaming gut, I really do.

Something that's really important for healing as a BS is re-learning the difference between insecurity and legitimate cause for concern.

Of COURSE we have been driven crazy in terms of what's real v. lies told to us, but there comes a point where we just have to hope that we've made the best judgement call possible and know that our feet are as firmly planted in the ground.

So really dig right now - is it screaming because you are conditioned by the TT, or is it screaming because of details that don't match, or current wayward behaviors presenting in your H?

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:30 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Exit Wounds posted 10/10/2013 16:37 PM

I'm not sure. I just keep getting this gut feeling that something doesn't add up.

Red Flag! I would do anything and everything to check and either put my mind at ease or fight the monster at hand.

Keep us posted.

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 17:15 PM

JRazz - Part of it is the trickle-truth, but he has always been a lousy liar, and there are some aspects of his story that just don't click. And, there were a lot of "I don't remembers". No wayward behaviors anymore, he has done a complete 360 from what he was.

Kelany posted 10/10/2013 17:17 PM

I only got gut feelings...when there were reasons.

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 17:20 PM

Exactly what I am afraid of SamanthaBaker.

Jrazz posted 10/10/2013 17:26 PM

Is polygraph an option?

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 17:40 PM

I'm not sure Jrazz. I'm very sceptical of polygraph results. Maybe something to think about though.

surviving1963 posted 10/10/2013 17:43 PM

So sorry....looking back the one thing I could always trust was my "gut feeling". I hope for you everything is OK, but remember you ALWAYS DESERVE THE TRUTH - 100% OF IT

Razor posted 10/10/2013 17:47 PM

Snoop. If you dont you will continue to wonder and that will drive you mad.

Trust your gut. If you feel something is wrong or missing there probably is.

As to taking the high road and playing by the rules. Your WH probably is NOT playing by the rules. And if you are playing by rules and the other is not then you are at a big disadvantage.

Lostinthismess posted 10/10/2013 17:48 PM

What exactly is it you think Facebook will provide answers to that he lied about? Depth of relationship? Sex or no sex? How much worse do you think it is? I would ask myself that and weigh it against the risk of unblocking. How will it change where you are in your relationship with him now?

rachelc posted 10/10/2013 17:51 PM

do it. Find what you need. block again.

notquiteoverit posted 10/10/2013 18:34 PM

Thanks, everyone. I'll let you know how this plays out.

Tawnie posted 10/10/2013 20:51 PM

I must say my gut instinct has never been wrong. My WH says he is amazed at my instinct to find things.Can't trust him so trust yourself!

Morhurt posted 10/11/2013 11:24 AM

If it was me I would get H and sit down at the computer together (no warning) and tell him that you feel uneasy and need to open up his FB to look around. Hopefully he'll be fine with it, you can do it together, and it will actually rebuild trust.
Also, I don't think PMs can be deleted on least, when I reactivated my H's account I found one message he "deleted" under the heading of "archived".
I hope this ends up being trust building for you rather than shattering.

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