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Uhtred posted 10/10/2013 16:07 PM

I'm back again seeking advice. My WW and I have been going to IC and MC. I'm trying to read between the lines of why she did what she did. In my original post I shared my story about how I dealt with the situation and received a lot of flak. A lot has happened since then.

Without repeating myself I'll summarize. My wife had an affair with a 54 year old man that was her Father's good friend. My wife and I were school sweethearts and she had never been with anyone but me. I had been suspecting that something was going on for a year. we've had a very loving relationship besides the past year when she started changing.

Fast forward and along with the PA that she had, she also had an affair on Facebook with a man that we went to school with. Nothing physical but a lot of raunchy sex talk. She actually met the guy twice but claims nothing happened between them. This was all while she was carrying on a PA with the 54 year old guy.

Her initial reason for doing what she did was that she was curious about what it would be like to be with someone else. She has since changed that statement to needing to feel validated and that she felt poorly about herself. She is a stay at home mom, we have two boys 3 and 6.

She had started reading that 50 shades of gray crap when her affair started. She is remorseful about what she has done and is committed to R and NC. I'm still not sure that I even want to R.

Of course just like everybody else my wife is not the type to do something like this. It really has floored me and all of our friends. She claims that the affair was not sexual for her but that she was seeking attention. I'm having a hard time buying that answer. I have all of the texts and emails between her and her PA partner. I don't have the messages between her and the guy on FB.

All of the messages between her and the PA partner are filled full of fantasy stuff like them getting married, moving my boys in at his house. There is also a lot of sexual talk about what they were going to do to one another etc... etc..

The day before I found out I had cried to her in our bedroom telling her that things were not the same between us anymore. The following day she sent the AP an email and told him she was thinking of him and hoped he had a good day. This was literally 20 minutes before I discovered her affair by seeing her phone light up.

She tells me that she was going to end it with him and only told him that to keep him from blowing up her phone. She said she had tried to end it with him before and it stuck for a while and then they would start right back up again but this time it was different because she realized how bad she was hurting me.

I just don't see that being the case. The only thing I see is that she got caught and is saying anything she can to keep her safety net intact. It really pains me to think that she was sexually motivated by all of this and it just wasn't for attention.
I feel like she has done enough reading about affairs to say that she was seeking validation because it sounds good.

I asked her about the affair on FB and she said that she liked the dirty talking. I said that it sure sounded sexually motivated to me. She is telling me now that it was a way for her to get attention.
I'm not a flawless person but I've always been affectionate and caring towards her. We had a good sex life except for the last year.

I'm looking for opinions as to the reasoning behind why she did this. I truly feel like she is not being honest with me, herself, and our MC.

stronger08 posted 10/10/2013 16:26 PM

From what I've read she may be right. For most female WS its really more about attention and validation. Sex is the price they are willing pay for it. But she also is minimizing the shit out of things right now. Her FB EA was not some passing fancy. And her claims that she was in the process of ending the PA is total bullshit. That ones right out of the WS handbook. If she is serious about righting her wrongs. She must first accept her misdoings, find out why she thought an A was OK and do the hard work of fixing herself. Seems to me she is talking a good game. But she has not taken action to fix what caused her behaviors in the first place.

2long posted 10/10/2013 16:32 PM

No, she had the affair (is having the affairs) because she felt entitled 2. She's selfish.

I wouldn't believe for a minute that the FB affair wasn't physical.

-ol' 2long

Uhtred posted 10/10/2013 16:46 PM

Thanks for the replies. she claims that what she said in the beginning was the first thing that came to mind that she was curious about having sex with someone else. Since time has past she is claiming that she didn't feel good about herself and needed to feel validated.

I've blown both affairs out of the water I can assure you of that. The PA partner got a rude awakening by me and his wife was informed.

The FB affair was also made public by me and I spoke with the guys wife. I just don't think she is being honest with her reasoning. I think she thinks it sounds good for her to say that she was looking for validation instead of saying that she was a flat out slut who ruined my life and put our kids in well being in jeopardy. You are right that she is selfish. We have that one nailed down.

She tried to tell me also that she tried to justify her actions with thoughts of me having affairs with other women which is total and complete nonsense.

Commanche1 posted 10/10/2013 16:56 PM

"She actually met the guy twice but claims nothing happened between them."
Polygraph is in order, You cannot make an intelligent decision to reconcile without the truth. Give her a one day amnesty to tell all the truth, set up the polygraph, actions speak louder than words

whyme1525 posted 10/10/2013 17:07 PM

I too am trying to.figure out why my wife had a PA we have been to mc and she is in ic alone becouse the mc recommend it becouse he feels that she had the PA for validation reasons but that it stems back to issues she had grong up with her father.. like the mc told us to me it doesn't matter that he says she did it becouse of xyz all that matters to me is that she did it and for the year she did it I knew something wss up and she just lied and continued the pa.. my wife also is remorseful and wants to r but im not sure what I want yet couse like you I say she is only saying what she is becouse she got caught. Cause 20 min before she got caught she was sexting him... I will tell you that if you're wife meet the facebook guy then something happened ive learned to always trust your gut feeling..

Razor posted 10/10/2013 17:43 PM

I would not believe that met twice but nothing happened. Not at all.

Early on there is almost always more to the story that a WS tells.

Polygraph. You might be surprised by the number of last minute confessions made in the parking lot out side of the polygraph place.

Uhtred posted 10/10/2013 17:59 PM

Does anyone know of a place in Houston to use? I think the polygraph idea is in order.

khaleesi posted 10/10/2013 18:14 PM

I am having a lot of the same doubts with my WH. Now he says he was really depressed and unhappy... not necessarily with me but in general. He never once mentioned any of this before the A. I feel like he just wanted to screw some other girl and is grasping for some deep reason now that its all out in the open.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/10/2013 18:24 PM

Speaking in very general terms here, men give attention to get sex, women give sex to get attention. Of course there are differences, there are men who prefer attention, women who prefer sex, etc, but typically speaking, it's how I listed it. So it's not far fetched at all that your WW was giving up sex to get the attention she needed. Couple that with the fact that the OM was a much older man, a friend of her fathers even, and you've got some classic FOO issues coming into play too (from what it sounds like).

heartache101 posted 10/10/2013 18:30 PM

Ok I get it you are wanting her to say why she chose an old 54 yr old over you! Well in her mind at that time you was not part of the equation. Look I was in your place my spouse chose an old woman over a young healthh vibrant me! Guess what I wasnt in his equation either. She is going to have to dig deep to figure out why. It might be a year from now before she has her AHA moment. See what they choose is a reflection of who they are their AP is just as Fd up!
It is hard on us BS because we dont have that mindset. Like what monster can do that, right? Oh yeah our monster spouse CAN! It is mind boggling how can they!
I will be celebrating my 30th anniversary this year! You can get there. My spouse has stumbled along the way but I keep picking him up!
My kids had a great home life and I have a very loving husband that is soooo sooo sorry for his stupidity.
It will take alot of work a lot of tears.
Do you think you and her can do it?
You can do a poly for a base to build on?
Has your wife had a hormone panel test done? Seriously. I had a chemical imbalance and I went off the deep end thinking silly stuff that is not me had strong strong vivid desires that was not me.
Keep posting it is how you get thru it.

Uhtred posted 10/10/2013 18:39 PM

I think the only way that I'm going to move forward with her is if a polygraph is done. I found a place to do it in Houston. It's pricey but it's worth it. I cannot and will not accept anymore lying. This has almost been the death of me because I loved this woman like a man should. Please continue to post on my thread. I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions.

OK now posted 10/10/2013 21:43 PM

I assure you when a woman gets passionately and emotionally involved in an affair her sex drive goes through the roof. Validation is the key that unlocks her sexual response which can be much higher than a mans.

The image painted of innocent WW's giving sex unwillingly just so they can hear the sweet music of praise and flattery is nonsense. Its a convenient excuse to escape censure for their adultery; the guy with his uncontrollable sex urges becomes the wicked seducer, and the the almost innocent WW is only guilty of wanting some much needed attention, which has obviously been withheld by her neglectful BH.

Your wife sent very lewd suggestive e-mails and engaged in sex probably with two partners at the same time. She tells you it was poor self image; how about the excitement and sexual highs of being with a new man after years of having sex with one guy; you.

Most WW's love the power, attention, lust and the fact they can turn their lover on so much. This in turn ignites their desire and off they go ripping each others clothes off in a frenzy of passion. When BH finds out a quite different story is presented and the WW is suddenly converted into a gullible victim. Why do men fall for such hogwash.

Uhtred posted 10/10/2013 21:52 PM

That is more along the lines of what I've been thinking. It's obvious to me that she enjoyed the sex even though she denies it. That's one of the things that's is really pissing me off. She is saying that if she could have received the attention without giving sex she'd have done it. I'm calling major BS on her ass.

OK now posted 10/11/2013 05:51 AM

The only reason I can find for her not enjoying the sex was if the OM was a poor lover or had performance difficulties, such as ED. You be the judge of that; do the e-mails and the fact she continued the affair support that theory.

Mostly the sex is good because of the newness, excitement, danger,and awareness of the sheer power of her sexuality; sort of ego trip. Now she is backpedalling with maximum damage control, in an effort to mitigate the harm caused to her marriage. In other words she's not going to tell the truth.

Really though we BS's can't compete with the newness and exciting fantasy. Don't feel bad about her sexual preferences; its always going to be better with the OP, after years of so-so routine sex with their familiar spouse. Taking it as an insult is very unfair on yourself; its just a nasty part of virtually every affair.

Thefly559 posted 10/11/2013 06:05 AM

Why do you need to waste money on a polygraph for questions you already know the answers to ? The initial shock is over , you sound intelligent and coherent. I know you are in pain , we all are , but she had at least one physical affair , she lied , cheated, manipulated, now is telling you a bunch of bullshit reasons . Bullshit , you could have been superman with a 12 incher

Thefly559 posted 10/11/2013 06:12 AM

Sorry hit send on accident.......... My point was that she is lying and does not ( in my opinion ) show enough remorse . I know it's hard , and I know you have young kids , and I know you still love her. But I think you know the answers to your questions ! For me my stbxww had no remorse at all but even if she did or does ever in life , cheating is a deal breaker , for me the trust can never be rebuilt ever. My kids deserve better . My son and daughter have to know that it isn't ok . So for me I actually thank her for no remorse yes it was harder , but much easier . I think you will make the decision to stay or go either way but based on all these stories you know the answers. Good luck All the best

Uhtred posted 10/11/2013 07:49 AM

She tells me that all the talk and excitement about the sex was a let down every time they were together because it wasn't good at all.

She must think I'm a gullible fool. I told her that she was like a dog that went back to eat her own vomit. Why would you continuously risk over and again for something that wasn't good?

I will go ahead with the polygraph test to give her a chance. I don't want to turn my kids lives upside down and am trying my best to stay in the saddle. I hate that we are all here under these circumstances.

tushnurse posted 10/11/2013 08:06 AM


I hate to hear that she is firmly planted in the land of unicorns and rainbows, it sucks that she can't own what she has done.

Personally I think a Poly is a waste of money. If you get the truth, then what? If you get a parking lot confession, which happens most of the time, what then? She is clearly not going to switch up what she doing until she is really knocked of her high horse.

Filing for D can do this more quickly, and more effectively than getting more partial truths. The thing is even is you get a partial truth, you still won't feel confident in the fact that you have it all, or that she is willing to change her behaviors. She is doing what she needs to stay. There is a big difference in that and what WS's do when they know they ARE going to loose their M. For many of us here it takes a proverbial significant mack in the head to see the changes.

((((and strength))))

2long posted 10/11/2013 19:37 PM

If you feel this way now, think about how detached you'll be in a few years, even if she doesn't cheat again.

I didn't get 2 the "indifference" stage until years after d-day. When I did, the true remorse came.

There will forever be a cloud over your marriage. I'm living proof that it can be lived with, but if I had the choice 2 make over again, I wouldn't have stayed married. We had been married 25 years when I discovered the affair, though. That's why it 2k me so long 2 decide.

-ol' 2long

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