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Divorcing a spouse who started doing everything right...

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statistic posted 10/10/2013 17:00 PM

Hello. I am new to SI after confirming my suspicions of my husbands affair that lasted April 2012- Sep 2012. He has recently done everything I wanted him to do to show me he was ready to R and take responsibility for his actions. He talked to my family and apologized, told his parents, made appt with marriage counselor, answering my questions. This is all after he was not very remorseful and in a horrible "fog." The problem is that I do not feel any better. As bad as it sounds, it was easier to move forward with the divorce when he was being a jerk. As hard as he is trying, I cannot get the images of them out of my head. I cannot stop thinking about the joy he must have experienced at the expense of our marriage. He says all the right things now, and I would love to believe him because we have a 3 month old. Perhaps this post fits the "limbo" thread best. DId any of you move forward with the divorce despite your WS best efforts to R?

Rainbows posted 10/10/2013 18:08 PM

I can't say that mine gave his best efforts for an R, but he's been grumbling about it. It's definitely easier to move forward when they are being jerks and confusing when they're not. It's an emotional roller coaster.

Only you will know if you can live with it long term or not. Take it one day at a time and put yourself and your baby first. R can take a long time, so be patient with yourself and your emotions if that's what you decide.

For me it was a second dday that tipped it. Future ddays went from being a slight possibility to a likely probability. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life suspicious, snooping, wondering and then waiting for another shoe to drop.

Pass posted 10/10/2013 19:47 PM

The Princess was totally unwilling to do anything to reconcile, so I can't relate with that, but I was definitely tired of being on guard for more signs - and there were lots.

However, it was smart of you to have him confess to his family. I wish I'd had her do that during the two days that she was in her "sorry sorry sorry" stage.

None of her family knows about her cheating, and now they think I've left her after how she "nursed me back to health" after my suicide attempt. I came out looking like a louse. Mind you, the majority of her family are arseholes anyhow.

If you feel the need (or just the want) to end your marriage, it doesn't matter if he's doing all the right things. You have the right to divorce anytime! He broke the rules!

Edited for punctuation error. It would have driven me crazy.

[This message edited by pass at 7:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 10/10/2013 20:00 PM

I was just talking to a lady today at work who divorced her H when her son was very young. She couldn't get over the A. She said that her counselor recommended getting the divorce while the child was very little so that he would grow up with the same life -- a good one!!!

For what it's worth -- I left my 1st H (alcoholic)AFTER he was sober for a year. I started getting mentally healthy and I really couldnt' get past lots of stuff he had done. I am better off because he's drinking again.

Your WS could possibly do this again....

phmh posted 10/10/2013 20:01 PM

My XWH was saying all of the things as he wanted to R (except for not agreeing to a post-nup) but I realized that his A was a deal-breaker. For me, it was the right decision. Trust your gut. Are you in IC?

SBB posted 10/11/2013 03:58 AM

I posted the FInal S email exchange a while ago. Judging by his words you'd think I made a mistake in proceeding with S/D.

Truth is it didn't matter how pretty his words were. a) this is a dealbreaker for me and b) his actions did not match his words - not for very long, anyway.

Once he realised I was serious with separating his mask fell off completely and he became the guy I now deal with.

There is no venom in True Remorse whether in R or S/D.

It was incredibly painful at the time but had he not been so blatantly unremorseful I would most likely still be in that unhappy and toxic M to this day, trying to revive a dead horse. In the end his lack of remorse is a gift. I didn't realise it until a few months after S thought.


Bravenewgirl posted 10/11/2013 04:48 AM

I have to agree with SBB.

To me, a WS who waits until his BS is at the end of their rope before 'coming out of the fog' is a prime candidate for a bout of false R.

The sudden head-from-ass removal when they realize that the BS is DONE is highly suspicious, IMHO. Do you think he might be NPD? If so, this could simply be a bout of the 'hoovering' stage of the abuse cycle, where the abuser will say or do anything to suck the victim back in and regain their power.

Tread carefully statistic. Keep your shields up, watch his actions, not his words, and above all, protect your heart.

[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 4:48 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

blueberry posted 10/11/2013 13:53 PM

My FWS has done everything right since D-day. We have done MC & IC for 2 years. He has apologized to me, our children, and my family. He has been accountable and answered every question I have asked about the A. He has held me while I have had many, many fits of rage.
Should I consider myself "Lucky" to have the perfect FWS?????
The problem lies with the deep scars form the mental torture during his 18 month A.
They are deep and do I really want to live with a man that would do that to the mother of his 3 children and his loyal wife of 19 years?
Was I perfect in the marriage? Far from it, and I take full accountability for the state of out marriage before the A.
So here I am 2 years from D-day, pain subsiding, anger drained and now coming to realize-----
The affair is a DEAL BREAKER for me.
Everybody's healing is a process. Hugs....

M-23 years
D-day- 1/25/11

omgnome posted 10/11/2013 13:55 PM

I am about 18 months after DDay1 and 15 after DDay2. My wife was sorry for what she did and felt bad about it. She wasn't putting in the work. At the beginning of September I moved out and announced that we would be separating. That spurred her into action, now she is putting in the work, attending counseling, etc. Does that mean that now that she is doing the work that divorce is now out of the question. No, not at all. If she hadn't done any work then it would for certain be divorce. Now that she is putting in work it may still be divorce.

It ends up being a choice on whether it's a deal breaker for you or not. For me I think our relationship may be changed forever and not worth saving the marriage. Would I feel I did the wrong thing if I still got divorced even with her going to counseling? No, not at all. Sometimes it is just a deal breaker. Sometimes you can't recreate what you think your marriage should be. In those cases (and more) then divorce is the right answer.

TrustGone posted 10/11/2013 14:28 PM

My XWH#1 was remorseful for a few days until he thought he had me back. Then he proceeded to tell me I couldn't tell him who he could be friends with. I just said OK and turned and walked away and filed for D the next day. He couldn't believe that I filed and his true NPD colors started to shine bright again. I am so glad that he couldn't maintain his true self in the end or I would have probably taken him back and lived through more hell.

I am attempting to R with WH#2 and it has been very hard. He is regretful, but not really remorseful for his LTA and I am still debating whether we can truely R. I have a severe health issue now and I am not strong enough at this point to S/D, so I am sort of stuck in the marriage at the moment. Only you know if you can get over the A and take him back and R with him. Either way you will get our support. There is nothing wrong with S/D if that is what you want no matter how good he is being now.

5454real posted 10/11/2013 15:21 PM

I would advise you continue to go through the divorce. absolutely nothing says you can't reconnect after you do.

I believe there are several members on the board who have done just that.


damncutekitty posted 10/11/2013 21:36 PM

Where is it written that you have to R?

I mean, this could be a case of too little too late. But really, just because a WS decides they want to R, why does the BS have to go along with it? For some people, cheating ends the relationship. PERIOD.

You don't have to forgive him, and even if you do someday that doesn't mean you have to stay married to him. Your obligations as a wife ended when he broke his vows, IMO.

Williesmom posted 10/11/2013 21:39 PM

Yeah, I think that he started doing everyone right when he realized that he was getting kicked off the gravy train.

After 2 soul crushing d days, I had to be done. I'm not signing up for another one. I was just over him and his bullshit.

statistic posted 10/12/2013 11:51 AM

Thanks for the replies. Since I am on the fence about R versus D, I allow his behavior to determine which way I lean any given day. So if he is great, like yesterday and today, I consider R. If he is a jerk, I move towards D. The problem is that I consider his offense so egregious that it would be at the expense of my own sense of self to R. I'm just to chicken to do anything about it.

blindsidedbyhim posted 10/12/2013 12:00 PM

God...this resonates with S now. My WH is an amazing father and friend since we separated. makes me question and contemplate this whole thing. But again, like you, the transgressions were egregious and I would absolutely have to sacrifice some large amounts of self-esteem and pride to reconsider the D. This is NOT what I expected (a complete and total 180 from him). After 20 years, I thought I had him pegged...

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