~~Tao Te Ching
Only you will know if you can live with it long term or not. Take it one day at a time and put yourself and your baby first. R can take a long time, so be patient with yourself and your emotions if that's what you decide.
For me it was a second dday that tipped it. Future ddays went from being a slight possibility to a likely probability. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life suspicious, snooping, wondering and then waiting for another shoe to drop.
However, it was smart of you to have him confess to his family. I wish I'd had her do that during the two days that she was in her "sorry sorry sorry" stage.
None of her family knows about her cheating, and now they think I've left her after how she "nursed me back to health" after my suicide attempt. I came out looking like a louse. Mind you, the majority of her family are arseholes anyhow.
If you feel the need (or just the want) to end your marriage, it doesn't matter if he's doing all the right things. You have the right to divorce anytime! He broke the rules!
Edited for punctuation error. It would have driven me crazy.
[This message edited by pass at 7:51 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
For what it's worth -- I left my 1st H (alcoholic)AFTER he was sober for a year. I started getting mentally healthy and I really couldnt' get past lots of stuff he had done. I am better off because he's drinking again.
Your WS could possibly do this again....
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
Truth is it didn't matter how pretty his words were. a) this is a dealbreaker for me and b) his actions did not match his words - not for very long, anyway.
Once he realised I was serious with separating his mask fell off completely and he became the guy I now deal with.
There is no venom in True Remorse whether in R or S/D.
It was incredibly painful at the time but had he not been so blatantly unremorseful I would most likely still be in that unhappy and toxic M to this day, trying to revive a dead horse. In the end his lack of remorse is a gift. I didn't realise it until a few months after S thought.
To me, a WS who waits until his BS is at the end of their rope before 'coming out of the fog' is a prime candidate for a bout of false R.
The sudden head-from-ass removal when they realize that the BS is DONE is highly suspicious, IMHO. Do you think he might be NPD? If so, this could simply be a bout of the 'hoovering' stage of the abuse cycle, where the abuser will say or do anything to suck the victim back in and regain their power.
Tread carefully statistic. Keep your shields up, watch his actions, not his words, and above all, protect your heart.
[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 4:48 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
It ends up being a choice on whether it's a deal breaker for you or not. For me I think our relationship may be changed forever and not worth saving the marriage. Would I feel I did the wrong thing if I still got divorced even with her going to counseling? No, not at all. Sometimes it is just a deal breaker. Sometimes you can't recreate what you think your marriage should be. In those cases (and more) then divorce is the right answer.
I am attempting to R with WH#2 and it has been very hard. He is regretful, but not really remorseful for his LTA and I am still debating whether we can truely R. I have a severe health issue now and I am not strong enough at this point to S/D, so I am sort of stuck in the marriage at the moment. Only you know if you can get over the A and take him back and R with him. Either way you will get our support. There is nothing wrong with S/D if that is what you want no matter how good he is being now.
I believe there are several members on the board who have done just that.
I mean, this could be a case of too little too late. But really, just because a WS decides they want to R, why does the BS have to go along with it? For some people, cheating ends the relationship. PERIOD.
You don't have to forgive him, and even if you do someday that doesn't mean you have to stay married to him. Your obligations as a wife ended when he broke his vows, IMO.
After 2 soul crushing d days, I had to be done. I'm not signing up for another one. I was just over him and his bullshit.
"Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was