I have achieved clarity for myself...finally....
This past week I went on a trip to KY with my mom and sister. Previously I had posted about having a lot of anxiety about being apart, very triggery, etc.
But the moment we got into the car and left the house, I realized. I don't care anymore. And I gave myself permission to be okay with that. I tried, for almost two years now, to make it through this with my marriage intact. And it hit me - I'm done. What I feel for him is friendship; that's all. I realized to my core what I always knew but wouldn't admit until now- All this....crap...the betrayal, the lying, all the BS his EA brought with it was a deal breaker for me. He's been the model H since second round of stuff in May. And it's too little, too late. It doesn't make me weak or flawed, it just means this boundary of mine just cannot be crossed without consequences. I will not stay where I cannot trust. No tears, no sadness, no anger, just relief.
We've found out that H has a defective heart valve. We see the cardiologist on Tuesday. I will stay until he gets through whatever happens with that, because no one should be alone going through that. And I do care about what happens to him. But once we get him through that, I'm gone. It's the healthiest decision I can make for me.
New chapter of my life- married 11/13/15 to the man I'd thought I would never find.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
