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I'm so confused , how do you know if it's love, or just being plan naive and stuipd. does love cconquer all?

Gently...if your DD is close to your SI join date, you are too close to ground zero to consider such a deep question.

I am 13 months out and just now in a position to start to ponder what love is.

It is normal to wonder if you have just been naïve and stupid....afterall, our fWS made a grand fool of us. They took advantage of the love, trust and compassion we showed them. We were used. We kick ourselves for being so stupid and vulnerable.

Upon DD we still hold to this notion that our vows still mean something to our WS, that we are still in this together. It took me 2 months to come to grip with the reality that my wife chose to kill our marriage as we knew it...she just failed to tell me about it. It hurts like nothing I can describe...but you know that.

I am projecting a lot onto you....your post was but one sentence.

If I am off base I am sorry. I don't have the courage to go into the Just Found Out forum yet....I see too much false hope and optimism in too many of those posts. I see my foolish self as I was back then...thinking surviving infidelity is like helping your spouse fight cancer. It is soooo not like that at all. But I, like them, have no other point of reference with how to handle devastating news...so we try to adapt what we know to adultery.

It simply does not work.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:28 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

I love this man with all my being it just seems idk where to draw the line and say enough is enough. should we try to R. is it going really going to be different. is he really going to do what he needs to do to fix this, can it be fixed? is it worth fixing? only time will tell

Only time and his actions will tell. For now, take care of you. Get your ducks in a row so that you can make it without him if it turns out it's a deal breaker for you. Sit back and watch what he does. He is about to show you the real him.

how much do I really need to know? is it important? he doesn't want to tell me, does it really matter?

Gently, gently - be kind and gentle with yourself.

You decide how much you want to know, and whatever you decide is OK. If he's really committed to R, he'll answer any question you throw at him.

IMO, not wanting to tell means your H hasn't accepted responsibility or faced up to what he's done, which means he's not yet a candidate for R.

What's going on with you? Have you looked into the Healing Library? Read any books? Read many posts on SI? Or are you still in shock?

Are you drinking water, eating, exercising? Are you in IC or MC? Your health is paramount right now. The healthier you are physically, the more energy you have to heal the wounds of being betrayed. Your physical health is especially important with kids around....