This is what happened today, I sent a message to his BF wife who is on bed rest for the next 6 months due to high risk pregnancy. It's all pretty sad. I havent said anything to them directly until today. She responded well but was PC. They live a few states away and I don't see them more than once maybe twice a year. However I was triggered horriby. There I am at Chuck E Cheese about to have one of my anxiety attacks at the thought of what I've done, how humiliated I feel and how public it is.
Frankly I'm pissed off that H told so many people. I know I brought this on to myself but our situation is not just ours to deal with.
I've been great attending family events etc. H family is all we have in this state as mine isn't anywhere near me. I have come to the realization that MY WHOLE LIFE revolves around his family and his friends.... I'm sort of venting I apologize I just don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. BTW we are 7 months in after H discovered my A. I'm completely committed to this process. Some days are better than others today was the worst I've had in weeks:/ The question is how do you handle dealing with people that know about the A?
I also find that people who judge have plenty of their own skeletons. Like one guy, I knew he was looking at me funny, but I know that he hides his massive gambling habit from his wife. Hypocrite.
Anyway...focus on being true to yourself and your H and try not to worry about what the others are thinking. It's really none of their business.
Also, I think you should talk to your H about how you are feeling.
It gets uncomfortable at times. I deal with it in two ways. One, I remember that although that will always be who I was, it is no longer who I am. Forward motion is always progress, and that's what I focus on. And two, I remember that at the end of the day, my XH is really the only person I have to answer to when it comes to our relationship. Other people have their opinions, but they don't have to live with me or be in a relationship with me, so their opinions---which they are entitled to---are secondary to those of my XH.
[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 8:35 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
Divorced from (2010) and remarried to (2014) XBH
Now all I can do is worry about myself and my BH. He is willing to work with me and is trying to forgive me and that is all that matters. His mother can hate me forever (and probably will) but unfortunately for her is stuck with me.
All I can do at this point is prove to him and everyone else how sorry I am, and that I am trying to become a better person.
My BH and I told no one. But we live in a small town. I have no idea how many people xAP and his BW told. At first I was mortified to show my face at my kids activities or in the grocery store.
I encountered the OBS in public a few months ago and she called me a name in front of my kids.
This is just another consequence of my horrible choices. I'm at peace with dealing with whatever comes my way by being honest and true to myself. My biggest concern is for my BH and children. They did nothing to earn humiliation.
If I am known in this small southern bible belt town as an adulterer then I will always be an adulterer to most people. To those close to me, those I let inside my circle of trust, I will be a woman who worked hard to overcome some very serious flaws and live a life of honesty, integrity and love.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
The question is how do you handle dealing with people that know about the A?
It's just part of the recovery gig.
I committed adultery and my spouse was gracious enough to give reconciliation a shot even with the fact that everyone knew she was taking back a cheater and even though she knew people would consider her crazy.... she also knew it would be part of the recovery gig.
Personally, I don't hide it. When I'm with people that know about my adultery, I willingly bring it up to avoid the white elephant in the room. It makes for some really good discussions at times.
As far as being mad that your H told so many people??? I think it's great! Secrets create darkness, and this is one area that a light needs to shine into. For all involved.... JMO
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
Surrounding ourselves with friends who had healthy marriages, who didn't "normalize" affairs, who held me accountable for my actions but supported my BH's decisions, were critical to our R.
Would my BH and I tell so many people if given the choice? I seriously doubt it. My BH suffered and still suffers from the exposure of this very private situation. But he was not given any choice in the matter. I am only sad for him, my exposure is mine to bear. I'm sure FAP's BW did what she thought was best at the time. It is interesting to note, however, that when she uncovered even more A's about 6 months after my DDay, she did not broadcast them like she did on my DDay. I think there are a lot of people in town who think I am his only AP. Whatever. I had a lot of shame for the first year or so - it was hard to go out. Now, with my BH by my side, I feel a lot more confident, and I don't really care what people think about me, except for my BH, my family, and my close friends.
Hang in there.
The fallout has been good and bad. You find out quickly who your friends are. Those who truly do not judge.
I personally would not be opposed to telling anyone, especially other men since I feel I have an important message to tell. Make the changes now in your life and in your marriage. Read the book Not Just Friends. Don't let the trauma of an A be the reason you change. But, it's not just me that has to deal with others knowing... the burden my BW carries is much greater than mine.
What defines us is how well we rise after falling.