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Newest Member: ericksonm001 (45710)

User Topic: Okay. So now I have a new problem.
dbellanon
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just made a post about how XWW went off on a tirade against me over my insistence on sticking to our agreement that has our daughter with her on Columbus Day.

Well, this seems to have opened up a whole other can of worms.

If you read that post, you'll see that her primary beef was that she's overworked (90 hour weeks) while I'm still underemployed.

Other important background information includes the fact that when we divorced, she insisted, against my recommendation, on moving 35 minutes away towards the city. Our daughter goes to school in my town, and our parenting agreement stipulates that she will continue to do so for the 2013-2014 school year. She also stated in our hearing that as long as I continue to reside in my town, that is where our daughter will go to school. This arrangement requires her to do a good bit of traveling on her parenting days. There's no denying that it's inconvenient for her, but the way I see it, she didn't have to move so far away. We have 50/50 physical and legal custody.

Well, this evening, she sends me an email. Here is what she says:

What I can tell you right now is that this parenting schedule simply isn't working for me. It makes your life incredibly easy and my life incredibly difficult, and I'm not going to have it for next semester. I'm looking into schools in [her town]. She'll go to school in [her town] on my parenting days and school in [my town] on yours. We can do that now because she's in preschool; we won't be able to do that once she hits kindergarten. If you don't like that, she'll go to school in [her town]. I'm the one with the insane, particular schedule. You're not. It's time to make this work for me as top priority. Not you."

Here was my response:

"I understand your desire to have her go to school closer to you on your parenting days. However, I do not know if this will be an option as part-time slots at her school were limited. You are welcome to try to arrange that if you can. And of course, it goes without saying that you should not arrange anything without my involvement. However, if it is not possible, she will continue to go to school in [my town], since this is what our agreement stipulates. We can begin analyzing our options for next semester's schedule as soon as you have your classes set."

Her response:

"I refuse to do again next semester what we're doing now. It doesn't work well. Be prepared for it to change. I will also fight for her to go to school in [her town] over [my town]. I might even take you to court over it. [Her town] is known for it's schools, I'm the working parent, you have no job, etc. The cards are stacked in my favor."

What the hell do I do with this. Obviously, if she's serious about going to court, I'm going to have to get some real legal advice from a lawyer, but what are your initial thoughts?

I'm seriously worried about this, now.

My guess is that she doesn't have a case. We have an agreement, and it can be altered by the court due to a change in circumstances, but the circumstances haven't actually changed from when we signed the agreement. But apart from that, I have no idea what could happen if this escalates.

I don't want to start getting litigious with her. If I start talking about changes of circumstances, legal language, etc., I think it'll just push her further in this direction.

But I can't let her just say, "We're doing what's best for me. Screw you." That's not fair.

[This message edited by dbellanon at 8:24 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 238 | Registered: May 2013
devistatedmom
♀ 24961
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As you said, you need to talk to a lawyer, first and foremost.

You are right; arguing with her isn't going to help anything. Definitely don't go the "it's best for me" route. Whatever you do, it must be best for your DD.

Ignore her until you speak to a lawyer. After that, the conversation needs to stay on what is best for your DD. I totally agree with you; it was her choice to move 35 min away. My XH did the same thing, then whined about gas/travel time. So what did he do? He moved 1 1/2 hours away to be with his girlfriend. He moved back to 35 min town after a year, because, hey! Just like I said, it was driving the kids away from him.

I got off track. Sorry. I don't know how she thinks using the argument that she works 90 hrs an week and has an insane schedule is going to help her have primary residence to switch her schools, etc. I mean, it makes more sense for YOU to have her, since you can get to the school, etc, since you don't work such insane hours.

Just breathe until you talk to a lawyer. Go NC with her on the matter. If she brings it up, just say you don't wish to discuss it at this time. Period. Hang up, walk away. Lawyer first.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5576 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
travels
♀ 20334
Member # 20334
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets That's all she needs and deserves.

Let your attorney do the talking. She may try to play nice and say the two of you can work it out. Again, meet your friends the crickets.


When one door closes, another door opens. It's the journey through the hallway that sucks.

Posts: 3784 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: PA
dbellanon
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really nervous about going a legal route on this. I mean, it hasn't even been a month since our divorce hearing. We haven't even gotten our decree yet!

My suspicion is that a judge would just send us home and tell us to honor our agreement, but the problem is that even if I do get a lawyer who advises me that I have everything in my favor, and I go to her and tell her that she'll regret going to court because she doesn't have a case... I've basically turned a relationship that was a more-or-less working one into an adversarial one.

But on the other hand, if I don't stand my ground, I could get screwed. If I let her have our daughter in a school in her town for the spring, even if it's only for 3 days out of the week, this kind of busts the whole nice status-quo thing I have going on here, something that I was hoping would enable me to eventually argue for her going to kindergarten close to me. If I give up ground here, I could end up losing that small edge.

So if I compromise with her now, I could end up losing in the long run. But if we try to go to court now, I could lose tons of money and what little relational capital I have left with her for a small victory in the present (keeping our daughter in my school district for the next couple of years).


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 238 | Registered: May 2013
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see a question from her. So crickets.

She is blowing make at the moment and no need for you to buy trouble until you get notice from the court that a motion has been filed.

If that happens you can check in with your lawyer for advice.

In the meantime enjoy your child. Stick to the agreement and document everything.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2770 | Registered: Jan 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see a question from her. So crickets.

She is blowing make at the moment and no need for you to buy trouble until you get notice from the court that a motion has been filed.

If that happens you can check in with your lawyer for advice.

In the meantime enjoy your child. Stick to the agreement and document everything.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2770 | Registered: Jan 2010
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the principal of a very small High School that mostly deals with very troubled teenagers. Your ex sounds a lot like one of my students. I frequently remind myself that the moment I allow myself to get into a power struggle with a 15 year old is the moment I've lost.

Hold your line but don't bother arguing with her. You have a written agreement that says that you're right.


Posts: 1802 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
dbellanon
♂ 39236
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is one serious problem with crickets.

So we have a schedule in our agreement, but it's not the schedule that we've been using. She is a student, so her schedule changes every semester. We made our agreement with the understanding that we'd have to change the schedule frequently to accommodate her.

This means that sometime between now and December, we are going to have to sit down and hash out our schedule. And if we can't come to an agreement...

As I said, we do have a schedule in our agreement. It was meant to be a fallback in case we couldn't work out our schedules together. It's one of those Two-days/week and alternating weekends kinds of deals. Looking at her tentative schedule for next semester, it MIGHT work, but there are going to be some problems, and it would force her to make her nightmare commute even more often.

As I'm thinking about it, I'm wondering if going to the default schedule might not be the best option in this case, even though it would make it even more difficult for me to find a work/school schedule that works for me.

But she is going to be pissed. This could get very ugly. I'm straining my head to find a way out.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 238 | Registered: May 2013
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read every reply but my first thought is - what is in the child's best interest? Typically the answer would be what is making the child stable now. Not what her parent's school schedule is if the child has a parent who can accommodate what is in place and working now. It's all about setting a positive precedent and sticking to it for the child.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4668 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've basically turned a relationship that was a more-or-less working one into an adversarial one.

She has already made it adversarial. That bridge has already been crossed. So your "relationship" only "works" when you allow her to push you around.

Listen, you have a court order. That is it. There is not going back now because she has decided it does not work for her. Too bad, so sad, she should have thought of that before. SHE moved. SHE agreed to this in the settlement. Now it is set.


we do have a schedule in our agreement. It was meant to be a fallback in case we couldn't work out our schedules together. It's one of those Two-days/week and alternating weekends kinds of deals. Looking at her tentative schedule for next semester, it MIGHT work, but there are going to be some problems, and it would force her to make her nightmare commute even more often.

There is your solution. Period. She can 1) give up some parenting time because the schedule does not "work for her" or 2) suck it up and stick to the court ordered parenting plan. Period. This is not up for negotiation. I am not saying that you should not sit down with her and try to work up a schedule that works better for YOUR DD (meaning, your DD gets to spend time with both parents), but any agreement that falls in her favor at your expense is OUT. And absolutely positively DO NOT budge on where your DDD goes to school. You have the court order on your side. FTG (fuck that girl!)

Your X is trying to bully you and is using what she knows about you against you. I don't have the exact quote, but someone on this board recently wrote something along these lines: She is pushing your buttons and they are the buttons that she put there! What I mean is that you loved her and you let her into your head and your heart. And now she is using that knowledge to bully you and get what she wants. That is a dirty tactic and when she does that you should be obstinate and stubborn.

I would advise you to respond something like this "DD attending school in (your town) is not acceptable. Section X, Paragraph Y of the court order states she will attend school in (my town). I am sorry that this is not convenient for you, but it is the court order. If you have any addition questions about this then feel free to contact my L." She threatened court, you have the court order on your side, your response should be "Bring it bitch!"

But she is going to be pissed. This could get very ugly. I'm straining my head to find a way out.

There is nothing to figure out. It is not longer your job to make her happy. She fired you from that job.

(PS. I hope you do not feel like I was too harsh on you. I know you are struggling and I remember how hard it was to get free of the grip that my X had me. I am simply trying to empower you with words
)


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
PhantomLimb
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamboat

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Nothing for you to figure out here. It's already figured out with the agreement.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
courageous
♀ 34477
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kids need stability. You have stayed in the martial home (if I remember correctly). She moved away. You have a decree if you start agreeing to things that go against the decree now if you ever have to go to a judge later they will not want to be bothered to make a ruling when it's not going to be followed anyways.

Do not be suckered or bullied into doing what she wants. She could just be pissed that she can't play around with om on Columbus Day.

If she is working so many hours and is going to school I can't imagine any judge would take your daughter away from the stable home where you actual spend time with her and give her to exww to pay a babysitter to watch her.

Give her crickets but document everything. She is making your case against her with all of her ranting.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 658 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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