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Old Mr. Unreliable Resurfaces

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RightTrack posted 10/10/2013 21:16 PM

My WH was king of promising to do everything and then doing nothing and later getting mad when I asked when he would do it. This was his MO for the last 12 yrs.

Since his epiphany when divorce looked likely and he "defogged" he has been much better, I don't feel like I'm a single parent anymore.

We are leaving to go camping tomorrow. It's an involved camping trip/kids' tournament/costume party/dinners for a group. The last few years of this trip I have packed us up, a Herculean feat that takes a few days. This year WH said he'd do it! He'd take the week off of work and go through all the old stuff, buy new stuff, etc etc.

Taking the week off turned in to taking two days off which turned in to taking one day off which turned in to taking the day off (not getting paid) but going to work anyway and now, here it is, 7:00 and dark and we're just starting to pack.

He had plenty of time to take off of work during his affair to travel across the country for sex and hours of time to have phone sex but somehow he can't manage to take a day off for this.

I'm pissed. He didn't have a lot of good will left to squander.

I know this would seem like a little thing to anyone else but it just looks like the same old guy is back again and I'm not going to put up with that guy anymore.

LifeIsBroken posted 10/10/2013 21:29 PM

Gee, RT, I lived with your ws for 35 years ! It turned out that it was far easier for me to 'just do it myself' than to rely on him. He only did whatever when he wanted to do whatever and that wasn't often and certainly not reliable. His work always came first, you know. So, 35 yrs later, he did finally find something he really wanted to invest time & effort toward (bimbo) while I had spent 35 yrs of M taking care of way too much - and look where that got me. I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my life taking care of far more than my share. Just saying....

struggling16 posted 10/10/2013 21:47 PM

I've been married to Mr. Unreliable, too!

This has been going on forever. The promises, the delays, the anger about being reminded of the promises, the late nights trying to catch up (and the resulting exhaustion and rage), the passive aggressive responses, then, finally, the A.

I used to bail him out and the result was that I ended up living a separate (and bitter)life. I was an enabler and it contributed to our dysfunctional M.

Since the A, he actually is a functioning partner in the M. He keeps his commitments most of the time but I have come to accept that his timeline is not mine. We have learned that we need to communicate constantly about expectations to avoid misunderstandings and erroneous assumptions. So far it's working but I expect him to fall off the wagon anytime. He learned the empty promises and procrastination skills at an early age as a spoiled child.

emotionalgirl posted 10/10/2013 22:05 PM

My WH has always been Mr. Unreliable....late for dates, late on deadlines at home, promises not kept etc etc. Not sure when I look back why I stayed or even married him other than the fact he was a sweet guy who would do anything for anyone ( except apparently his wife). Fast forward 25 yrs...I do EVERYTHING in our house and yard. He works comes home and sits on his ass. Now go back to a few few months ago and I found out he had time for an EA. When I found out and laid out my terms of R and my boundaries I got pissy. I made him a list of things he is now responsible for, told him if he had time for the hoe he has time to carry his weight around the house. He does his "chores" or I take it as his admission of lack of commitment and I am out of here. I even went so far as to cancel the company that picks up the dog poo and told him it is his job now. I figured he could get a taste of what it's like to pick up other people's shit all the time.

I use the money I am saving every month to do nice things for me....mani, pedi, massage buy shoes! I am lovin it, him not so much! Ahhh the sweet taste of revenge

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 10:07 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

GabyBaby posted 10/10/2013 22:35 PM

I figured he could get a taste of what it's like to pick up other people's shit all the time.

OMG that is GOLD!!!

RightTrack posted 10/10/2013 22:57 PM

I was wondering if I was overreacting but I see that this is/was a common theme with selfish WH's.

OnAnIsland posted 10/11/2013 01:25 AM

Right track, I don't think you are overreacting at all. And I am trying to step back from doing it all. We will see.

Another nuance or layer in our relationship is that he wants me to handle all this stuff, but then criticizes how I handled it. He doesn't want to do it. He just wants me to do it his way.

My IC told me to keep handing his stuff back to him. And that he probably would not like it for awhile.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 1:26 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Hope2B posted 10/11/2013 01:55 AM

For me, if he said he'd do something, and then misused his time or got distracted by something more "interesting" or more "fun", then things didn't get done and I refused to be the backup plan.

This meant plans were cancelled or postponed.

I know it's different when you have kiddos involved and the plans include, as you said, camping trip/kids' tournament/costume party etc--and it's heartbreaking to disappoint them because they are just innocent in all of this! just looks like the same old guy is back again...I'm not going to put upwith that guy anymore
What are you going to do differently, and do you think it will make a difference?

Hang tough!

mellie99 posted 10/11/2013 13:36 PM

I was just about to start a post on something similar. My WH called me and said he wanted to have a 'nice' conversation with me and that it was suggested to him that we come up with a long and short term plan for dealing with our son who is due soon.

At first he tried to tell me he probably wouldn't spend much time here (he's in AL and I'm in DE) because I'm surrounded by family and they're my support system. I explained to him that they are not obligated to provide care for me in any way shape or form, and that they do so out of the kindness of their hearts. I am HIS wife and this is HIS child, therefore we are HIS responsibility.

He then stated if I was home he would probably scatter his days off after the baby was born so he wouldn't "inconvenience" his class schedule (he is an instructor). I pointed out the fact that the AF allows for 10 days of paternity leave following the birth of a child and, given our circumstances, I saw no reason why his commander would try to deny him this. He then proceeded to try to tell me that oh, he would really take the time off in one big chunk to "help me out" if I was home. So I challenged him on this: which one is it, and why is the comfort of your class more important than the well-being of your wife and child? I pointed out the fact that his squadron has known for months I'm pregnant and that the military specifically makes provisions for situations like this because FAMILY IS's not like they would be scrambling to find someone because he was in an accident or died suddenly.

He knew he didn't have a leg to stand on, so I pushed a little further. I told him that I could accept it if he was honest with me and himself and just said these things were not important and that he didn't want to go out of his way to be there; just own up to it. I'm tired of him making excuses for why he doesn't or can't do things. I pointed out the fact that he tells me time and time and again to just "deal with it" when something he considers to be a priority pops up, so why does he need to be there for the rest of the world? I know he's becoming frustrated with me because he just wants to have the sunshine and rainbows talks so he can look like he's making an effort, but he's gotten away with not being called on his garbage for too long and I've had enough. For once I'd love for him to just own up to his actions and feelings and say "You know what? I did [insert action here] because I wanted to be selfish; it had nothing to do with anyone else". At least if he could acknowledge these things people could make decisions accordingly. Before I hung up with him I encouraged him to not feel pressured to live under false pretenses and try to save face if that's not what he really wants. I'm okay with being given the ugly truth because then I will finally know that R with him is a lost cause, and I will be at peace. I don't think he knows what to do with this new version of me; I'm still struggling but between my IC and you guys I feel myself growing stronger day by day.

RightTrack posted 10/14/2013 18:31 PM

(I'm just back from camping.) What can I do to change things? I don't think I can do too much myself, I'm beginning to realize that I really can't affect someone else's behavior that much. He's been to 18 months of counseling and now is engaged in being a father and husband.
I definitely point out to him when he seems to be "slipping" and for now he cares about trying to keep me happy.

I did stop doing it all myself. I've shifted to the opposite extreme which may look a little co-dependent, I do very little without his help. I refuse to do the laundry, make dinner, wash dishes, take the kids to their activities without him doing 50% of the work.

surviving1963 posted 10/14/2013 19:19 PM

As the years ticked by my WH decided it was his job to just "show up". He was great at keeping the couch and tv warm. I also had become an enabler. If I ever squeaked a complaint then I got accused of being his Mother. (Then don't act like a helpless child!) If you are looking for someone to carry you around on a silk pillow, peel grapes and fan you- then I think the OW can have the job.

surviving1963 posted 10/14/2013 19:20 PM

How many wives did Mr. Unreliable have?! LOL

RightTrack posted 10/14/2013 20:23 PM

I am the second wife. The first left him, I can imagine a number of reasons she may have, they were young/hard to say.

My husband's AP complained to him for hours a week how her BS was "neglectful" and never did anything around the house. Amazing for her to think my husband would be any different, given the fact that he was always hiding in a bathroom stall or in his car talking to her and not home with his own family. My husband would complain to her for hours about how his work partners weren't pulling their weight. Parallels anyone??

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