I told my wBF last Thursday that I needed 30 days of NC. He told me a TON of new confessions about prior lies and ongoing lies, and it was just the breaking point for me. The way that I saw him is that he cannot be alone and that he is terrified of being abandoned. When he was in Argentina for a month, he slept with another girl. When he was feeling insecure in December, he slept with a second girl. When he thought he might lose me after Dday, he created a dating profile while trying to win me back. I needed to see that he could actually be alone for 30 days and not go out and sleep with someone. That was what I needed to feel safe with him in the future.
He contacted me on Saturday, and then I hadn't heard anything from him since then. He sent me three emails tonight, and four text messages. I'm angry that he didn't respect my boundary, but I'm also questioning the things that he said in the email and whether he may be right. But the thing is, there was so much manipulation before last week (fake counselor, fake ADs) that I don't know whether this is also manipulation. Here's some portions of his email (talking about his IC):
We also talked about the 30 days No Contact. He said that he had never heard of it. He said it seemed counter-intuitive. He said that if we wanted to the relationship work we should spend more time together and try to talk more. He said he would like us to do emotionally focused therapy together.
I told him all of your reasons for wanting the no contact for 30 days and he said it would only make it more difficult for us to recover after the fact. He said there is a lot of shock and trauma initially after finding out about the affair that we have to deal with. He said that initially in some cases he will tell one of the people in the relationship to take some time to themselves to determine whether or not they want to work on the relationship. Once they start working on it they need to be dedicated to working on it.
Thirty days of NC is not a "treatment." It was something that my IC suggested in order to help me develop my sense of self and to test him to see whether he's a safe partner. But... I do see how being together and communicating makes working out better/easier. The thing is though is that I tried that for six months, and got nowhere. He was lying to me for six months while I was communicating and trying to work things out. I feel like his IC is trying to make me seem like the bad guy to him now because by me asking for 30 days NC, that means that I don't care about the relationship? Am I reading that right, or overreacting? I very much care about the relationship.
Another thing:
I also told him how your counselor said that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. He seemed stunned. He said several times that he sees no signs of me having that. He said he has only known me for a few hours but there were would be no reason for him to believe that. He says professionally he has only seen 1 case where the person would be diagnosed with that. He gave an example of somebody with BPD might process an event. He said, "Imagine that you are picking up _____ to go to a movie at 7pm and you arrive at her house and she isn't there. You text her and ask her where she is. She replies back that it will be 7:30 before she gets there. He said it would be normal to be upset that you might miss the movie. But a person with BPD would wonder "how could she possibly do this to me, how could she abandon me, how could she cut me this deeply." He said that they are incredibly unstable in emotions and have evidence of this behavior in all of their relationships. He also wanted to know your counselors credentials and said it was very uncommon for a therapist to suggest a diagnosis that is lifetime on a person that she has never met and when she is only getting information from one source.
My IC didn't diagnose him. She actually refused to label him in any way until this week, even though I had asked her about a ton of different personality disorders. My IC is licensed. And I do see those traits in him. There have been times in the past where I've been napping when he texted me, and I'll get 20+ texts from him freaking out wanting to know what's wrong and why I'm not responding. So I do very much see a fear of abandonment in him. Which is again why I asked to do the 30 days NC, to test if he could actually be alone for 30 days.
I'm feeling like the bad guy now. I'm feeling like since I asked for 30 days NC, I'm the one that doesn't care about the relationship. I'm the bad guy. I'm the one giving up on him. I'm the one giving up on us. And that makes me so angry. I stayed by his side after Dday. I begged and pleaded for him to go to IC. I begged for MC. He just kept lying to me, and now his IC is making me out to be the bad guy!
I don't even know what to do with this email. There is a huge part of me that wants to respond. There's a huge part of me that wants to go to the counselor with him. But there's an even bigger part of me that's terrified that this is just more manipulation. Do I say no to him? Do I say yes? Do I not respond at all?
I'm so frustrated. I thought that he understood what I needed. I thought he respected what I needed. And now I'm feeling like the bad guy again. I'm so tired of feeling like the bad guy because I have put so much work into this relationship.
And this is exactly the type of stuff that pulls me in. I've been doing reading on boundaries, and I see that my main boundary problem is not wanting to hurt other people by saying no. So I can see exactly how this is playing out for me right now. I'm scared that if I say no to him, it will hurt him. And I'm scared that if I hurt him, he will leave me. I'm scared that if I say no, he won't be there in 30 days.
Is his IC right? Am I doing the wrong thing? Was my IC wrong?
[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]