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Am I obligated to inform stbx of med changes in children?

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dmari posted 10/10/2013 21:25 PM

Hi Friends,

Quick background: still not divorced I have full physical custody and share legal custody with stbx. DD18 (legally adult but I still receive child support due to special needs) has had no contact with stbx since last year November. DD14 has had no contact with stbx since this past February. I have had no contact since early this year.

So ... am I obligated to inform stbx of any changes in medication for both children? If I do, how would I word it?

I don't know if this matters but changes in meds are due to mental health conditions.

I know you guys are going to probably say that I do but before you tell me ... I need to vent. Why the hell should I have to inform him of anything? When he lived here he didn't know the kids medications. He never went to doctor appointments. He never went to therapy appointments. He chose to be clueless so why is it my responsibility NOW to inform him? He will know more now that he is gone then when he was here. He walked out so I feel that is not my job anymore.

If I am obligated, please help me word it. Do I have to give details? Can I just state:
This is to inform you that on (date), DD17 started ___ and on (date) DS14 started (medication). Please keep in mind, I haven't emailed him in months!

Thank you for your help,

inconnu posted 10/10/2013 21:32 PM


Why the hell should I have to inform him of anything?

The only reason is to protect yourself, because not informing him could in some way come back and bite you.

I would go with what you suggested. No details, just state the bare minimum facts.

caregiver9000 posted 10/10/2013 21:34 PM

Can you request the doctor's office or clinic to send him an annual review type summary? Including current medications and a summary of expenses (which I assume he shares?)

I think that if it comes from you, it invites contact and I TOTALLY get not wanting to bring that on. But legally I think he is "entitled" to the information and it would suck if he used lack of communication from you to hurt you legally.

If he gets the information from the doctor, he may not even open it, or feel obligated to pick it apart. And if he ever bitches about you "keeping stuff" from him, you have the paper trail of requesting he be kept in the loop.

persevere posted 10/10/2013 21:40 PM

Since it does affect the kids I think you need to make sure he is informed in some way if he will have any opportunity to spend time with them.

standingonmarble posted 10/10/2013 21:41 PM

Does your agreement state that you are responsible for giving him info or that he has a right to it? He has a responsibility to seek that out on his own. If he doesn't , that's on him. I think this is more about you putting blocks in place to keep info from him more than anything else. I don't think a judge would scold you for him not being interested. We are all adults now.

damncutekitty posted 10/10/2013 21:47 PM

IMO if he's not administering the medication then there's really no point in telling him. I mean, if he doesn't see the kids why would he care what meds they take?

Dreamboat posted 10/10/2013 22:11 PM


This is a hard one. inconnu is correct that if could come back to bite you if he ever pushes the issue. And caregiver9000 has a good suggestion as to asking the Dr to send him something, especially if they are covered by his insurance.

It is a hard call.

I have had virtual NC with X for 3 years. He moved to a different country so I have not seen or talked to him since then (nor has he seen or talked to DD). He does send email occasionally. He left us 8 years ago, but DD did not have medical issues until recently. I have not informed X of any of DD's medical issues or any of the decisions I have made on her behalf or any meds she is on. He is not a part of her life. I have no worries that it will come back against me because he will not take any legal action against me. I know this for an absolute fact because he never got a L before, he does not live here, and he is beyond broke. I tell you this just so you know where I am coming from and you can weigh my advise against your own struggles with your X.

SO based on my own personal experience, I never inform X of anything medical related with DD. In fact, I inform him of nothing at all.

Griefstricken25 posted 10/11/2013 00:09 AM

I wouldn't, but I guess with him having "legal custody", you should?

I would write what you said, no more.

dmari posted 10/11/2013 02:33 AM

As usual, you guys came through. Thank you so much for sharing! What is CRAZY is that all your responses were so different yet they were all excellent solutions and suggestions!!

So this is what's happening in my head:
I don't see the point in telling him but if I don't, he could use that against me but if I do, he could use that against me so I should do whatever will protect me yet at the same time, he could call the doctors himself since he pays for half of the medical bill but oh wait, HE DOESN'T pay for his half but that doesn't mean he is not entitled to know what meds his kids are taking since he helps pay for the meds but oh wait, HE DOESN'T pay for half of their medication, etc, etc, etc.

I'm going to be stubborn for 24 more hours and think about how I will inform him. I am not comfortable breaking NC so I may ask psychiatrist to write a doctors note simply stating the medications each child is on. Thank you so much for helping me in this matter!! dmari

Ashland13 posted 10/11/2013 07:39 AM

Something I've learned is that it's best, in the long run, to "let" an X be informed because it can really bite you later. This has happened to friends.

If you don't inform him it could present you as a bitter and spiteful parent and when I've questioned things XPervert does, as you question yours, I got dinged by my very own lawyer, briefly. It got fixed, was a misunderstanding, but why have more of them if it can be helped?

Something that helps me to remember is that "kid stuff" isn't about me and I keep repeating that to myself.

I also remind myself that even as this type of person is, the father's still have rights. This took me ages to come to terms with.

I really do agree with the post that talks about the doctor's office being the one to inform him. I've asked DD's doctor's office to send copies to XPervert or makes some and I put them in his mail pile or they email them. In this way I'm covered and can move on to the next hurdle.

Sometimes the school wants things for DD because she has some special health things and they just put XPervert in the list like with the school nurse-then it's not a name that stands out or special treatment for him to think he's getting. And no time or expense for me.

Even if he hasn't been around for a long time, they are still his kids and it's in our BI (best interest) as the stayed spouse to just get this part over with.

Also, I like that at the end of the day I can tell myself I did everything I was responsible for and there isn't anything he can ding me with. It's a comfort that I learned.

debbysbaby posted 10/11/2013 10:54 AM

You gotten some excellent responses but here with my thinking. I would probably send a very brief email stating "there have been changes to the children's psychiatric treatment. If you would like more information, please contact Dr. ------".

ninebark posted 10/11/2013 12:23 PM

My separation agreement stipulated that we had to make medical decisions together or that he had to be informed.

Do what keeps you legally safe

devistatedmom posted 10/12/2013 09:31 AM

Dmari, if he has no contact with the kids, no, I wouldn't tell him. I would write it all down in a little book...Oct 11, DD's meds change, x dose of xxx 3 times daily.


IF he ever starts having visitation again, I would just hand him the book saying here's their med changes since you last saw them.

dmari posted 10/12/2013 12:26 PM

Thank you for responding :) So far, there is no legal documents specifying what to do regarding this situation. I know that once the divorce is final (please please please please please be soon), it will be clearly stated.

I really want to do what keeps me legally safe but not through email. To me, that would be popping open a can of crazy pop. No thanks. I guess I have to do it the expensive way until the divorce is final. I had to get that nasty taste out of my mouth.

Thank you so much for responding!! It has been super helpful!

devistatedmom posted 10/12/2013 12:30 PM

I would still just write it all down dmari. It works for this too...when/if you go to court to finalize things, and if he spouts off that you haven't given him medical updates, your answer is:

I have it all here for him.
Since he has not been in contact with the children for 4 months, I have not had the opportunity to give it to him.

I think you would be covered.Yes, you didn't share immediately, but he hasn't done jack to get the info or ask about the kids either.

dmari posted 10/12/2013 16:13 PM

devastatedmom: that's an interesting angle. It would allow me to continue NC and cover my ass until there is a decree or a specified plan of how to inform him of these types of issues. Thank you

ruinedandbroken posted 10/12/2013 16:16 PM

Hmmm...... I don't tell my ex much even though he has shared legal custody. But I also know that my ex would never pursue anything in court. He doesn't have the money and doesn't take initiative to much of anything. I had to hold his hand for everything during our marriage. IDK if your ex is the type that would go to court or not.?

I do understand not wanting to break NC so in that case I would just have the dr. write something up and have it mailed to him. That way you don't have to email the a-hole.

ETA: I just realized that you said you were not divorced yet. In that case I would definitley let him know, just to cover yourself and not come off as bitter or whatever. Have the dr. send the info. or just send him a brief, 1 sentence email.

[This message edited by ruinedandbroken at 4:19 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

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