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starstone posted 10/10/2013 21:37 PM

Finally posting. Here is my story. I have been with my husband for 21 years, married for 16. I recently went away on a trip and my husband had a one night stand with a former co-worker. I was, or should say am, absolutely devastated to say the least. This was completely out of character for him so an utter shock to me. We have had some issues in the last couple of years due to his depression and anxiety so we were basically just a functioning family with us slowly drifting apart. I really didnít recognize how distant we were getting and always trusted him implicitly until this recent incident. He owned up to his infidelity and we both immediately started marriage counseling and he started individual counseling. He deleted the woman from his FB account and has had no contact. He has worked very hard to open up the lines of communication with me and reconnect, to share his feelings with me more which has helped. We have gone on long walks, out for dinner alone, and away for the weekend without the kids which also have helped. He says he completely regrets what he did and will live with the guilt he feels and the pain he caused me for the rest of his life. I am certain this is the only incident, but nonetheless I feel completely betrayed and lacking in the trust department. Also, sadly, while I truly feel I want our relationship to work and I want to reconcile, I also feel revengeful and slightly uncommitted. I donít really trust myself at this point. Any thoughts, words of wisdom or glimmers of hope are much appreciated.

Lyonesse posted 10/10/2013 21:42 PM

Welcome, starstone.

Whether a one-night stand, an emotional affair, or a long-term affair, a betrayal is a cataclysmic event. Everything you are feeling is normal. It will probably take longer than you would like to hear right now for you to process these feelings - the two year mark that is so often quoted here is pretty accurate, from my experience.

We have all been there. Please feel free to post what you are feeling - there is always someone who will understand.

ETA: It may help you and your H to read one or two books about infidelity together, and discuss them. Not Just Friends and How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair are the two most recommended here. I found both helpful in the early days. Don't feel you have to hurry up and forgive him because the A was "only" a ONS - you still are going to go through the shock, anger, acceptance and your WS should be prepared for that. It will help you, too, I think to know at each stage that what you are feeling is normal and needs to be processed. Another book I liked was How Can I Forgive You (J. Spring) which cautions against rushing to "cheap" forgiveness before your H has really earned your trust again.

As for words of hope, I can promise you it does get better. It truly does. And this is a great place to be while you are getting there.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 9:50 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

starstone posted 10/10/2013 21:58 PM

Thanks so much. I am so glad I posted. It makes me feel so much better to share with others. I agree I should not rush into forgiveness. My emotions are so crazy right now. One minute desperate love and the next minute complete anger and hatred. It has only been about 6 weeks since I found out, but I am prepared for the fact that the forgiveness may not come for 2 years or more. Despite how hard that might be. I am being good to myself and not expecting miracles. I am taking one day at a time.

His therapist told him that he cannot turn back time. He did what he did and damage has been done and that the only thing he can do now is prove his commitment and love through his actions and words now. I agree and he is working on it, however, I feel only time will tell whether or not I can move forward.

One more thing, thank you for the suggested readings.

Lyonesse posted 10/10/2013 22:13 PM

My emotions are so crazy right now. One minute desperate love and the next minute complete anger and hatred.
Oh yeah, the rollercoaster. No fun at all. But again, very normal. The anger actually ramps up as the shock wears off, so I recommend a gym membership or a punching bag. Seriously.

Some people find journaling helps, too - it gets some of the feelings out on the page, and then you can look back and see that there is actually progress even when it doesn't feel like it. There is a journal function in your SI account, too.

I have learned so much from reading on this site.

((starstone)) < that is an online hug

silentheart posted 10/14/2013 14:02 PM

My DD was 14 months ago and my BF of 13 years had been having an A for 4 years. It knocked the wind out of me. I didn't think he was capable of it. We were best friends, soulmates, supposed to be together forever. He had sweet names for me, told me he loved me every day. It changed me when I found out. I was numb for weeks. I suffered in silence b/c I didn't want our friends and families to find out. My BF was not supportive at first and didn't want to be bothered with my questions and my sadness. That should have been a sign to me but I stayed. I was so hurt an still am. But the first several months were horrible and the first few weeks almost unbearable. It is so normal for you to be feeling like you are feeling. I would have love and memories and want to cry some days...some days my hate was directed toward him and I wanted revenge and other days the hate was directed towards her and I wanted her to know exactly what it all did to me. My emotions were on a roller coaster for sure. I just found this site a week ago and wish I would have found it earlier. It offers great support and advice and to just read through stories to give you comfort and to let you know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself and just know that what you are feeling is normal and it does get better.

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