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Putting X in the “does not exist” box

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Dreamboat posted 10/10/2013 22:23 PM

I was writing a post earlier this evening and realized that I need to put X into the “Does not exist in my world” box/compartment. Let me explain.

OW was a family member, not a stranger. After dday I obsessed about her. One day someon on this board told me that I was giving her free real estate, I was allowing her to take up space in my brain rent free. That really struck me and I worked hard to put her into the “Does not exist in my world” box. It took quite a while (at least a year or 2) but I finally put all of her there and she no longer resides in my head in any form or fashion. She is a meaningless nobody who once hurt me. She takes up no more space in my head than the mean girls from middle school.

But I have not put X there. I need to, but of course that is more difficult. I shared a life with him, I have a child with him, I loved him like I have loved no other in this life. I would like to say that he does not matter anymore, but that is simply not true. He is still residing in my head rent free and I think about him most every day. And every day it bothers me because I have come so far in my healing but I am still hung up on this ass hole. And as I wrote this post earlier, I realized that I have not tried to put him in the “Does not exist in my life” box. It seems so obvious now that I should have, but I simply never did. Maybe because putting him into that box would mean putting a good chunk of my life into that box. But honestly, that chunk of my life is kinda already in the box! So my goal in healing for the next year or so is to put X into the box. I did it with OW so I know how to do it. Now I need to Just Do it!!!

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 10:25 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

persevere posted 10/10/2013 22:48 PM

Love this! I have a hard time putting XWH in that box as well, even though we have no children together and he has very little impact on my life.

I rarely have to deal w him, but that box is still tough - probably because of your thought - I shared a decade of my life with him. But at this point it simply shouldn't matter.

She11ybeanz posted 10/11/2013 09:18 AM

I did it with OW so I know how to do it. Now I need to Just Do it!!!

I need to do this with both MOW and XWH.... they are a couple now... and she was not a stranger either...but not a family member. She and her husband were friends that we hung out with as couples for many months before the A came out. But, my problem I think is that I run into them A LOT at races and I live in a fairly small city.. about 100,000 people.... so I don't run into them every day...but I do occasionally because we will frequent the same grocery store or the greenway where we run or they ride their bikes. I, luckily, moved to the other side of town so I don't run into them as often as I would have if I had not moved.

I need to put them in the "does not exist in my world box" AND have no reaction when I see them in public anymore.... I'm sure it is a possible thing to do.... but will be extra hard since they are always kinda "in my face" so to speak.

But, I DO think its possible. It has gotten a lot easier to see them and I come to expect it now and don't dread races because of them anymore. Now its just a slight twinge of annoyance when I see them instead of the "full blown panic attack dread" feeling that I used to get.... and I hope that that twinge of annoyance just fades to the same reaction I get when I see a complete stranger...

Complete indifference to their very existence....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:19 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Griefstricken25 posted 10/11/2013 10:21 AM

I feel much the same way. We share 3 children, and I gave 12 years of my life to him. My current situation is in large part a result of his actions. My children will deal with the consequences of his actions for their whole lives. It only makes sense that he is in the back of my head. I don't think of him every day, but regularly. I'm mostly unfeeling about the thoughts, but I can't pretend he doesn't exist.

She11ybeanz posted 10/11/2013 15:30 PM

I am "thankful" that I didn't have children with my XWH.... but I did have Piper with sperm donor and he isn't much better....and I would LOVE to put him in that box that we are speaking of...and am trying very hard to but it is more difficult when you have a child with them.

Dreamboat posted 10/11/2013 18:05 PM

Yes, I do think it is harder when you share children with them. You cannot pretend that they do not exist because they may show up in any moment in your kids’ life. And if they are taking visitation and/or you see them on a regular basis it is even harder. For me personally it is now easier to put him into the “does not exist” box because he has not existed in our lives for a long time. We have not seen or talked to him in several years, but he still sometimes emails. And even before that he was not involved in DD’s life and we did not see him often

Maybe if you label that box something different – “Does not matter anymore” or “Does not exist in day-to-day life”. I could have easily stuffed X into either of those boxes years ago but I did not. At first because I still loved him and then because I was still mourning the life that I thought I would have, in addition to railing against the unfairness of it all. I never thought to put him in the same place that I put OW. Well dammit, they belong together and I am putting them in the same damn box!!

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