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Two weeks into finding out

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Brokenhearted81 posted 10/10/2013 22:40 PM

I'v never done this before but I don't know where else to turn. I hurt so bad right now. Last week I was contacted by the other woman and told my husband broke off a two year affair with her 9 months ago. I'm ping ponging between so many different emotions right now. HATE GREIF SADNESS. I want to work this out but I just don't know how. We are seeing a counselor and we have opened up in the last week more to each other than we have in our 10 years of marriage. But am I nuts for wanting to work this out? Isn't it once a cheater always a cheater? I'm heart broken and feel lost. Anyone in my shoes? I have three children with the man. 9 6 and 5.

Lyonesse posted 10/10/2013 23:04 PM

((brokenhearted81)) < a hug

Welcome. We have all been in your situation, and those "ping-ponging" emotions you are describing are brutal. You will survive this, though, and it will get better, although I will tell you honestly this will be one of the roughest things you will go through.

Please read some of the other posts, and look at the Healing Library in the yellow box to the right.

There is always someone here to listen, sympathize, and offer their opinion and experience.

You are not nuts for wanting to work it out - most people do not chuck their marriage, especially with kids involved, unless the WS makes reconciliation impossible. Although some people do find it a dealbreaker, and that is OK too. Don't feel you need to decide this - the most important thing is to focus on your healing from this trauma right now. The rest will become clear to you when you see if you WH is working on himself.

I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater" if the person who cheats starts to take a good look at himself, figure out what they are lacking within themselves that allowed them to commit the cowardly act of betrayal, and start working on building an authentic life.

This site was actually founded by a couple who experienced infidelity, and they put many hours and dollars into making it a healing place for many - so I would say a person is not necessarily a cheater for life if they put in the work to figure themselves out.

You really don't have to make a decision now - it is good that you and your H are communicating, and when you observe his ACTIONS, you will eventually know if you feel you can commit to a reconciliation. Right now all that matters is taking care of you and your kids right now. Are you eating? Sleeping? Getting enough water?

You are not lost, you have found us, and you are welcome to post whatever is on your mind.

Snowy posted 10/11/2013 02:18 AM

Hi

Sorry you are here.

Firstly you need to take care of yourself. Go for some walks, eat well (if you can), go somewhere quiet and let it all go (scream etc).

I am glad you are seeing a councillor.

The first step to reconcilliation is no contact between your WS & the OP.

Also read the thread on this site about co-dependency.

Always remember, you can come hear anytime and just type out the things you are going through. It doesn't need to make sense.

Brokenhearted81 posted 10/11/2013 05:28 AM

Thank you for both of the replies. To answer both of your questions. No I'm not taking care of myself right now. I'm working on that. I know I have to eat and drink but its so hard right now. My WH is remorseful and says he hates to see what he has done to us. He says he was weak and should have never made a stupid choice if it helps at all. I just can't imagine ever forgiving at this point. He says their affair was a fantasy...a false love....that he got caught up in. Once he realized this he said he ended it 9months ago. The OW was scorned and retaliated by exposing everything. I just don't get why I had to hear it from the OW. Why couldn't he tell me??? He wrote a letter ending it and has closed all doors of communication with OW. I'm just so confused and hurt right now.

Brokenhearted81 posted 10/11/2013 05:28 AM

Thank you for both of the replies. To answer both of your questions. No I'm not taking care of myself right now. I'm working on that. I know I have to eat and drink but its so hard right now. My WH is remorseful and says he hates to see what he has done to us. He says he was weak and should have never made a stupid choice if it helps at all. I just can't imagine ever forgiving at this point. He says their affair was a fantasy...a false love....that he got caught up in. Once he realized this he said he ended it 9months ago. The OW was scorned and retaliated by exposing everything. I just don't get why I had to hear it from the OW. Why couldn't he tell me??? He wrote a letter ending it and has closed all doors of communication with OW. I'm just so confused and hurt right now.

Brokenhearted81 posted 10/11/2013 05:28 AM

Thank you for both of the replies. To answer both of your questions. No I'm not taking care of myself right now. I'm working on that. I know I have to eat and drink but its so hard right now. My WH is remorseful and says he hates to see what he has done to us. He says he was weak and should have never made a stupid choice if it helps at all. I just can't imagine ever forgiving at this point. He says their affair was a fantasy...a false love....that he got caught up in. Once he realized this he said he ended it 9months ago. The OW was scorned and retaliated by exposing everything. I just don't get why I had to hear it from the OW. Why couldn't he tell me??? He wrote a letter ending it and has closed all doors of communication with OW. I'm just so confused and hurt right now.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 10/11/2013 05:59 AM

So sorry! I just realized that I replied on the wrong post! My apologies for the confusion!
I feel just awful about it.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 8:39 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Lyonesse posted 10/11/2013 08:22 AM

I just don't get why I had to hear it from the OW. Why couldn't he tell me?
Because he was a coward. Because he thought he could "manage" this and you would never know. The feeling of confusion is understandable, when you discover your spouse is not who you thought. It is very, very hard to accept that reality. Your H will have to accept that about himself, and start to look into why he became such a liar and betrayed you and his own values.

It might be a useful exercise for you to read some books about infidelity together, to understand what you are dealing with. My suggestions to start are Not Just Friends and How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair (the second one, especially).

Also, How Can I Forgive You (J. Spring) - I wouldn't burden yourself with the idea that you owe him forgiveness just yet...or ever. There is a lot that needs to happen before that even becomes an option. The concern for both of you at the moment should be first aid for your trauma - this is psychologically and physically wounding. I wish I could take the pain away for you; I remember it so well, but at 2.5 years out I can say that is primarily what it is, a memory of something I survived.

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