Haven’t posted on SI in a while but still read regularly.
I’ve been debating lately whether the pain, sadness, and anguish I felt after my XH left was really because I “loved” him or if my feelings were more related to “rejection”.
This question came about after a short-lived relationship. I started dating this guy (with whom I had 2 dates 15 years ago!) who was really interesting and had a lot of what I am looking for in a partner. After a few weeks, I thought I might already be in love with him. Then, we spent a week-end together and somehow, I don’t know exactly how or why, but I knew it was not “love” yet. The feelings were just the early limerence or butterflies but not love and it was really clear to me. Maybe love could have developed with time...
In any event, it didn’t work out. He was recently separated and needed time to sort through his feelings about separation and betrayal (he is a BS). I wanted to end things for a few weeks and wanted to do it in person but he was avoiding it like crazy. Finally, he ended it via text message.
His “break’up” made me upset and sad and I started to question my self-worth all over again (and I was doing so well on that front!). I don’t get it. “I” wanted to break up with him and during those weeks where I wanted to end things, I felt fine. Then he beats me to the punch and I’m sad?
It made me think about my marriage. My XH was very difficult to live with, very demanding, constant wandering eye (and more). Every year, I was relieved when he would go back to France and I would have a month to myself, not having to spend all my energy on him. I remember wondering whether I was happy with him and why I stayed in a relationship that was so difficult.
I also wonder why it took me so long to get over my failed marriage. I know, I know, it’s different for every person, and for some it takes longer than others. But I think there was something more to it, for me at least. Was I feeling the pain of lost love, or was my pain more related to rejection? In the case of the new relationship, I know it wasn't love so why the pain?
I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks. Love vs rejection. I tried to talk about it with friends but nobody seems to relate. And then, I stumbled across a post on that very topic in the WS forum (great post by the way, too bad it is hidden in the WS forum, not everyone reads there).
I'm interested to hear what everyone has/thinks on this topic.