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Pain related to love... or rejection?

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FrenchGirl posted 10/10/2013 23:15 PM

Haven’t posted on SI in a while but still read regularly.

I’ve been debating lately whether the pain, sadness, and anguish I felt after my XH left was really because I “loved” him or if my feelings were more related to “rejection”.

This question came about after a short-lived relationship. I started dating this guy (with whom I had 2 dates 15 years ago!) who was really interesting and had a lot of what I am looking for in a partner. After a few weeks, I thought I might already be in love with him. Then, we spent a week-end together and somehow, I don’t know exactly how or why, but I knew it was not “love” yet. The feelings were just the early limerence or butterflies but not love and it was really clear to me. Maybe love could have developed with time...

In any event, it didn’t work out. He was recently separated and needed time to sort through his feelings about separation and betrayal (he is a BS). I wanted to end things for a few weeks and wanted to do it in person but he was avoiding it like crazy. Finally, he ended it via text message.

His “break’up” made me upset and sad and I started to question my self-worth all over again (and I was doing so well on that front!). I don’t get it. “I” wanted to break up with him and during those weeks where I wanted to end things, I felt fine. Then he beats me to the punch and I’m sad?

It made me think about my marriage. My XH was very difficult to live with, very demanding, constant wandering eye (and more). Every year, I was relieved when he would go back to France and I would have a month to myself, not having to spend all my energy on him. I remember wondering whether I was happy with him and why I stayed in a relationship that was so difficult.

I also wonder why it took me so long to get over my failed marriage. I know, I know, it’s different for every person, and for some it takes longer than others. But I think there was something more to it, for me at least. Was I feeling the pain of lost love, or was my pain more related to rejection? In the case of the new relationship, I know it wasn't love so why the pain?

I’ve been thinking about this for a few weeks. Love vs rejection. I tried to talk about it with friends but nobody seems to relate. And then, I stumbled across a post on that very topic in the WS forum (great post by the way, too bad it is hidden in the WS forum, not everyone reads there).

I'm interested to hear what everyone has/thinks on this topic.

cayc posted 10/11/2013 06:33 AM

I've been thinking about this very topic a lot lately. My xWH is a dirtbag, plain and simple. He perpetuated insurance fraud. He molested his own brother when they were children. He gave me an incurable STD. He is just a horrible person - even before you learn that he fucked at least 50 OW while we were dating/married.

And like you, because xWH travelled a lot for work (and would be gone months at a time) I was always *relieved* when he left. Because when he was here, it was all about him. Catering to him. Placating him. Trying to get his attention (b/c even then my gut must have known he wasn't committed). Proving my worth to him.

And today, I'm obsessed with karma, waiting to hear that he's failing, that he's cheating on the latest OW whom he's marrying in few months, that their relationship is as abysmal as mine with him was. I want karma because then I"ll know I won.

And my obsession and hurt has nothing to do with loving him. It's all because of the rejection, because I lost, because I waited too long to get away, because I let myself doubt the need to get away and gave him a larger/longer presence in my life than he deserved.

I talk a lot about having the courage of one's convictions. And one reason I do is I fail so miserably at it on the romance front. Why brood over my xWH? OF COURSE he's cheating on her, OF COURSE it's not all rainbow skittle shitting unicorn fairyland. I even saw the engagement photo, a half smile, a puffy face. And yet, I need proof. To get over feeling rejected, I need to make sure for some reason that no, I am rejecting him.

Why am I giving so much power away. Why when I know it's not okay do I do nothing and wait for the other person to force the issue.

I don't know what's up with what I am feeling right now, but I am aware that this is fueled not by love, but by rejection. Exactly like you are saying.

ladies_first posted 10/11/2013 11:10 AM

I'm obsessed with karma, waiting to hear that he's failing, that he's cheating on the latest OW whom he's marrying in few months, that their relationship is as abysmal as mine with him was.

I was the exact opposite.

Are you familiar with Lucinda Williams' song "Are you Alright?"

Are you alright?
All the sudden you went away.
Are you alright?
I hope you come back around someday.
Are you alright?
I haven't seen you in a real long time.
Are you alright?
Could you give me some kind of sign.
Are you alright?
I looked around me and you were gone.
Are you alright?
I feel like there must be something wrong.
Are you alright?
'Cause it seems like you disappeared.
Are you alright?
'Cause I been feeling a little scared.
Are you alright?

Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you,
Hug and kiss you,Hug and kiss you?
Are you alright?

Are you alright?
Is there something been bothering you?
Are you alright?
I wish you'd give me a little clue.
Are you alright?
Is there something you wanna say?
Are you alright?
Just tell me that you're okay.
Are you alright?
'Cause you took off without a word.
Are you alright?
You flew away like a little bird.
Are you alright?
Is there anything I can do?
Are you alright?
'Cause I need to hear from you.
Are you alright?


Are you alright?
Are you alright?

I guess the halt of all communication = rejection.

At least when someone dies, you know it's over and he's not coming back. You know the worst has already happened.

To me, the whole damn thing was so pointless!

fraeuken posted 10/11/2013 11:48 AM

French, you certainly made me think about my recent experiences. I have to chew on this for a while, thank you for posting.

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