I'm reminded of the moment my WH told me of his last ONS: he has just returned from a trip to TX after having laser eye surgery. I had miscarried my 1st pregnancy about 2 months prior but had just found out I was pregnant again about a week before he left. I had missed him so much while he was gone, had worked a full day, and all I could think about was giving him a big hug and kiss. I remember seeing him sitting on the couch looking miserable and I approached him and asked if I could have a hug. When he said the words "I don't think you're going to want to touch me after I tell you this" my heart just sank; I knew what was coming.
The next few weeks were a blur. I was only about 8 weeks along in my pregnancy and physically miserable. We found out we would be moving to a new state in less than a month (military) due to last minute orders. WH moped around because he had a full panel of AIDS and STD testing (the idiot had unprotected sex) and caught what I suspect was thrush in the meantime; he swore it was something horrible and cried about how HIS life might be ruined over a stupid mistake. In the meantime, I was emotionally alone, physically neglected, but had no time to process everything that was going on. I worked as a case manager and had to worry about closing cases with my clients, tying up loose ends at work and dealing with leaving a job and co-workers I loved, saying goodbye to friends, and preparing for a cross-country trip while still playing the supportive, responsible wife.
So as I approach month 2 of being away from my WH due to his selfishness yet again, I feel so alone. We have been very infrequently intimate during this pregnancy (mostly my doing because it's just not comfortable), but we also haven't really been a couple, either. He was also so busy with work or didn't want to be bothered for one reason or another. And now that this baby is due in about 30 days I once again find myself feeling alone. I miss having someone to snuggle with at night. I miss being kissed, I miss being hugged....I feel so alone. As much as I know my family loves me it's just not the same. It drives me crazy that I'm craving any sort of affection from him, but he's been my world for almost 12 years now; I haven't had the 'touch' of anyone else. I try to keep myself lighthearted because I don't want to stress this poor baby, but the tears are coming more often. I wish I could hit a delete button and make the hurt go away. I have IC tomorrow and hopefully he can give me some coping techniques, but in the meantime how do you deal with the emptiness? Thanks for letting me vent.
[This message edited by mellie99 at 11:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
First thing early morning
I'm gonna pack my tears away
Got no cause to look back
I'm lookin' for me a better day
You see the thing 'bout love
Is that it's not enough
If the only thing it brings you is pain
There comes a time when we could all make a change
Just let go
And let it flow,let it flow,let it flow
Everything's gonna work out right you know
Let go,and let it flow,let it flow,let it flow
Just let it go
Don't nobody want no broke heart
And don't nobody want two time losers
Ain't nobody gonna love you like you are
If you take whatever he brings your way
You see the thing of it
Is we deserve respect
But we can't demand respect without change
There comes a time when we must go our own way
Some times love it can work out right
Sometimes you'll never know
But if it brings only pain in your life
Don't be afraid to let it go
So I guess it's officially time to "let it flow"...whatever will be will be.
[This message edited by mellie99 at 11:43 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]
I've had so many people tell me I'm doing the right thing and that I'm strong, but even being surrounded I feel so alone right now.
That is exactly how I feel sometimes. I can't even imagine how hard it must be with the added stress of pregnancy, moving, leaving a job you love, etc.
I'm glad you are seeing an IC, and I hope you have a good session today. You take care of you and that baby you are carrying.
I still feel alone too, so does my wife...it is not comfortable but it can be healthy. It is very much a part of the process of recovery.
I like the song referenced by you. My wife and I love to float creeks, I also like to kayak fast water. I draw a reference from this that ties into your song.
There are times when we are floating that require us to navigate around fallen trees, large rocks, or away from shallow water. But there are times when no work is needed on our part...we simply float.
We are not doing anything...and yet we are progressing on our journey.
Your loneliness might seem like you are stuck....not progressing on your journey...but you are. You probably cant see around the corner ahead, but that's okay.
Be gentle on yourself.
I am happy for your pregnancy....I so want another child. Might try talking to him or her...read her your favorite childhood book over and over...kind of like a mediation for you as well as a bonding experience for you both.
God be with you.