SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

cannibal posted 10/11/2013 01:30 AM

Has anyone else here experience ed because of the A. It seems like I can be horny and wanting to make love, but just can't get it up or even worse be in the middle of it and thoughts come to invade my brain and I will lose my erection. I've even had this problem during masturbation. I can usually find some crazy extreme porn to get me through it, but I will feel dirty and ashamed afterwards. I know this is a touchy subject for most men, but I'm looking for some input as to how to handle it. Needless to say it can be very upsetting and disheartening. Would viagra help with this? I haven't talked to any medical professionals about this problem and feel like I'm to young to need to go to such lengths. I feel like if I can't perform for her in the bedroom then this can only drive her to find it somewhere else. It seems like a relationship destroying cycle.

Herkemeyer posted 10/11/2013 06:04 AM

Cannibal,
Try not to be to tough on yourself. I experience the same thing. I think AD side effects had a lot to do with my issues though. If you allow yourself to get obsessed with ED, it will only get worse. Just relax and if it happens it happens. If not tell yourself there's always next time. Stressing makes it worse. You don't need the additional pressure.

JustDesserts posted 10/11/2013 06:25 AM

No ED direct experience to share here. IMHO this isn't about Viagra or white knuckling your way to porn induced climaxes. This is about you not trusting and feeling safe with your WGF.

Do you trust your WGF? What disclosure and transparency has she provided you?

If you are thinking "I hope I can get it up and keep it up so she won't cheat on me again" then small wonder you're having issues. If you performing sexually is what you hope will keep her, she might already be lost IMHO.

Have you tried IC?

And what is SHE doing to become a safe and authentic wayward? Non-erections aside, what does the rest of your reconciliation look like?

This, to me, seems like the non-erections are the symptom, not the root problem.

Perhaps I'm off the mark. Sorry for your struggles. Good luck.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 6:29 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 10/11/2013 06:49 AM

Don't make it a big deal. I had a similar problem after D-day. During sex the mind movies would kick in and I would lose it. When it happened, I would just focus on pleasuring my wife. We discussed the situation, and if it happened not to make it a big deal. Over time, as I learned to deal with the mind movies, things gradually improved. Eventually the problem went away completely.

I can usually find some crazy extreme porn to get me through it,

I don't advise this. Let yourself stay horny. This will help you overcome the ED.

So sorry you are going through this.

Camalus posted 10/11/2013 07:45 AM

I'm going through this right now. Viagra doesn't help.

Shrink says it's a combination of the AD meds and what he calls mental castration.

I am told things will get better as I progress through IC and MC.

Life ain't a lot of fun right now.

SecondHelping posted 10/11/2013 09:19 AM

Cannibal,
This happened to me for almost a year. It still happens from time to time now.

Eventually the thoughts will subside and/or they will loose the stabbing pain you get when you think of them.

When this happened to me, I would get upset but fWW would hold me and try to make it better.

Don't worry about it. It's normal.

cannibal posted 10/12/2013 01:02 AM

Thanks for all the advice. It is definitely a psychological thing. She has given me full disclosure of passwords, I get all her text forwarded to me, and using life 360. She's a recovering addict and has lied and tt quite a lot about things. It was 4 months after dday before I knew ap identity. We were building trust and I was starting to feel comfortable again. Then there was contact right after I found ap's identity out in July. Since then I haven't been able to get comfortable again. I don't feel she has been completely open still and it weighs heavy on me.
We are supposed be doing counseling but have been putting it off until she gets a job again. I'm just trying to stay calm and let time pass. I also just sent a message to omw disclosing the A this week.

Dreamland posted 10/12/2013 17:06 PM

I am the BW and my WH has ED issues... Several years before the A he started to tell me he didn't have an urges. Didn't feel like sex.. I would initiate and then start of ok and then couldn't. Three years of no sex he shut me out. I took it personaly when we were at the beach and he get a hard on right there while frolicking with a 23 yr old.. That was my warning.. I should have demanded seeing a counselor. Sopost DD I found out he was having sex. He tells me he had problems getting hard but is obviously lying since he went thru a pleasure pack of condoms. After several moths of fucking without condoms. She had to take too many Plan b pills. Oops
Anyway with me during our HB he had to order Viagra cialis they helped but gave him headaches and back pain. And not always worked. So now 19 months out we rarely have sex. I always wanted it everyday. That's was last year this year I have terrible mind movies and honestly am not interested because he can't be consistent usually it takes a while and he can get it up. Right before sex he goes limp. So I am a mess... He didn't have Viagra with the OW and they had sex fine but with me he can only with Viagra..
Question to WH guys..Is this normal. Are you imagining other OW to keep erection. I am so lost and just hitting the age where I am losing my libido too. I hate my life

wifehad5 posted 10/12/2013 19:36 PM

Dreamland,

Please feel free to ask your question in the BS questions for WS thread in I Can Relate. This thread is not the place for that type of question.