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My Story- Contemplating Separation and Scared

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jzkc1502 posted 10/11/2013 07:53 AM

So this is the first time I am seriously considering proposing a separation. A little information on my story:

4 months after we got married I was paying his cell phone bill and Googled a phone number. It turned out to be an escorts number from CL and After canvassing through months of phone bills, from about 1 month before marriage (March 2010) through August 2010 I found HUNDREDS of these different phone numbers he had called hundreds of times, texted into the hundreds of times, and picture messaged several times (both sending and receiving). Some numbers were called only once, and didn't look like the call lasted more than a minute, which may have been voicemail????...and then some were several minutes long. Some numbers he texted more than 60 times in a row. I also found that while on our honeymoon when he was "being sweet" and booked me a massage, he was calling escorts there. Also, one day during the honeymoon he needed to "go back to the hotel and check his phone" and I find out he had actually gone to a strip club nearby. The worst part that I can't get out of my head is one weekend I was away, I came back to find a used condom on the bedroom floor under some clothes. When confronted he said he used it to j-off into. I've never been able to fully believe that. I was never able to 100% prove he ever actually met an escort or got physical with one.

We went to 3 counseling sessions which I didn't feel were productive at all, he didn't want to talk about the issues, and really alluded that the reason he was doing what he did was because I was sexual enough with him.

Skip to now, while for the past 3 years he has been a loving husband and has not given me any more reason to think something else is going on until the other day. Our car is his baby, its spotless and he's constantly cleaning it. I took the car (we live in a city so I drive maybe once a month) and had to run some errands. When I opened the center console to put pack the garage pass I see 3 items in the console. 1. A pack of gum, 2. a phone charger, and 3. a large blue pill. The pill is huge and very obvious and out in the open. I Google and find out it is a Lorcet, similar to Vicodin. My husband claims he doesn't know where its from or how it got there. A lie right???? In a car he's always cleaning how would he not see it or know how it got into the console? No one has taken our car.

I can't help but think there is more to this story, and based on his past of what appears to be a sex addiction and constant lying I just cannot believe him that this is a mystery pill where he doesn't know where it came from.

I want to separate but not sure how to go about it. I need time and space to process all this and decide if I can move on w/ someone I cannot trust. Whats hard for me is knowing I'm going to cause him so much pain when I say I want to separate....but he's the one who caused me to feel like this in the first place!

God I'm so confused. Any advice is much appreciated.

Pass posted 10/11/2013 08:41 AM

He has been a cheating louse since Day 1 - shit, BEFORE Day 1! This is a lot to recover from, and honestly, I don't know how you could.

The way I went about leaving my wife is not the ideal, so I will leave it to others to advise you in that area. However, I would strongly encourage you to end this marriage. He doesn't care about the fact that he is hurting you, and I can't imagine how you would ever trust him again.

How "sexual" you are has no effect on whether he cheats or not. His lack of morals is what is at play here. You do NOT get any of the blame for his shit!

And for the record, even the best, most "sensitive" condoms kill sensation. While we sometimes have to wear them for sex, anyone who tells you they wore one for jerking off is lying - no question about it. It just doesn't feel as good. And this arsehole seems to be into feeling "good".

Please take care of yourself.

Ashland13 posted 10/11/2013 10:05 AM

Could you tread slowly and opt for a "vacation" on your own? It would be a way to try what the days and nights would be like and to do some thinking without being interrupted.

I've heard of people doing this and some have stayed in hotels, or with relatives they trust. Some have told the spouse where they are and some have not...often, though, the latter don't tend to return.

During you "time off", you could have some freedom to contact council like a lawyer without being interrupted and maybe attend a few meetings to hear your rights and financial scenarios without signing too much or again, chance someone listening or asking what you're doing.

I'm sorry for your difficulty and the lack of respect you've been shown. It's terrible to find out that someone we thought we knew is actually someone very different.

I too have a sex addict for an X and it's been suggested by counselors that he chose marrying me as a kind of cover-up, so that he could pretend to lead a normal life and have people admire him as it feeds his ego, but when he got too stressed, sex became his vice and nothing else mattered. Marriage was a situation for a time, until he found OW and another situation he could manipulate.

I wish you peace in your confusion and hope that some decisions will come to light soon. It's so hard.

jzkc1502 posted 10/11/2013 10:12 AM

I was thinking of the kind of "vacation" idea. I have a friend the next town over I want to stay with her for a week or so and clear my thoughts.
Its just so annoying because when he knows this is what I'm thinking he is so over-the-top in my face nice it makes me regret wanting to leave like now I'M the bad one.

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