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Mom just called, her mother, my last remaining grandparent, passed away last night. It's been over a year since I'd seen her. I would've seen her just weeks ago...this summer...but DDay was in late April so we canceled our plans to spend the summer in our (northern) home state, as we customarily do.

Grandma was 91, and has been in steadily declining health, so we knew it was imminent, and she's Home now. She outlived two husbands, all of her children and grandchildren survived her, and she kissed a score of great-grandchildren.

The realization that my stupid, deranged choices kept me from getting to see her again, is crushing me like a ton of bricks right now. I'm sitting out at a coffee shop (killing time between kid-drop-off and IC) weeping. Which is actually pretty encouraging, as I've lived most of my life profoundly disconnected from my emotions and hardly ever cried. Even at times like this.

The hidden costs of infidelity.

I hear you, 2Wrongs.

I ruined the experience of DS starting college and the birth of my brother's first child.

Memories that should have been happy are tainted forever and we can't get them back. I hate it that our precious niece's birthday is a huge trigger for my BH (and me).

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I'm glad you are recognizing the positive changes you are making towards healing.

Creating a "Cost of Infidelity" ledger is not pretty, from the "nickel and dime" entries to the "priceless" ones.

Selfishness is like writing check after check when you know your balance is already less than zero.

20Wrongs - would writing and circulating some type of "memory of grandma" letter/email to your family be an exercise which might connect you to her and let you express positive feelings, care, and appreciation.

Yes, your behavior "cost" you something dear. But you are aware, "owning it" and sharing your feelings in a positive way. That's darn good, right?

JD