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Wayward Side :
hidden costs of infidelity

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 20WrongsVs1 (original poster member #39000) posted at 1:57 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013

Mom just called, her mother, my last remaining grandparent, passed away last night. It's been over a year since I'd seen her. I would've seen her just weeks ago...this summer...but DDay was in late April so we canceled our plans to spend the summer in our (northern) home state, as we customarily do.

Grandma was 91, and has been in steadily declining health, so we knew it was imminent, and she's Home now. She outlived two husbands, all of her children and grandchildren survived her, and she kissed a score of great-grandchildren.

The realization that my stupid, deranged choices kept me from getting to see her again, is crushing me like a ton of bricks right now. I'm sitting out at a coffee shop (killing time between kid-drop-off and IC) weeping. Which is actually pretty encouraging, as I've lived most of my life profoundly disconnected from my emotions and hardly ever cried. Even at times like this.

The hidden costs of infidelity.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

posts: 1523   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2013   ·   location: The First Coast
id 6519603
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013

I hear you, 2Wrongs.

I ruined the experience of DS starting college and the birth of my brother's first child.

Memories that should have been happy are tainted forever and we can't get them back. I hate it that our precious niece's birthday is a huge trigger for my BH (and me).

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I'm glad you are recognizing the positive changes you are making towards healing.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6519607
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JustDesserts ( member #39665) posted at 2:21 PM on Friday, October 11th, 2013

Creating a "Cost of Infidelity" ledger is not pretty, from the "nickel and dime" entries to the "priceless" ones.

Selfishness is like writing check after check when you know your balance is already less than zero.

20Wrongs - would writing and circulating some type of "memory of grandma" letter/email to your family be an exercise which might connect you to her and let you express positive feelings, care, and appreciation.

Yes, your behavior "cost" you something dear. But you are aware, "owning it" and sharing your feelings in a positive way. That's darn good, right?

JD

2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 51. Her: BW, 50. Married 20 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

posts: 404   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013   ·   location: Suburbia, New England, USA
id 6519633
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