Ok, so you have already been devastated by finding out about your WS’s infidelity, and are probably in no shape to make any major decisions. But I am telling you, as soon as you are humanly able, it is in your best interests to take charge of protecting yourself financially NO MATTER WHAT YOUR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION AND CIRCUMSTANCES are.
Why?
1) If there has been lies and deceit about infidelity, the chances are very high there have been lies and deceit about other things in your M. Even if you think there have been no spending of funds on the AP(s), there may be other transactions you are unaware of. The possibility of financial infidelity, even if it is not related to sexual/emotional infidelity, is much higher.
2) Since you are at higher risk for financial infidelity, you owe it to yourself to find out what you may be liable for that you are unaware of so you may try to rectify it as soon as possible.
3) Almost all infidelity has a money trail. As you are exploring your finances, you will likely find evidence of other infidelity matters. Also, if your WS is aware you are investigating the finances and has something to hide, they will quickly go to cover their tracks on all things suspect. THIS is the time you may score evidence with your VAR, keylogger, etc that may have otherwise not been detected.
4) In the event of D or drawing a post-nup, you will need to collect financial documentation anyway. It is ideal to collect these documents while WS is either appearing guilty and fully compliant, or is blissfully unaware you are investigating them. It is a great deal more difficult and expensive to collect this evidence after you are well on the path to D.
So what do you need to do?
First, you need to decide if you are going stealth or being open about your search with WS. Some records and funds may require the WS permission to obtain. This will help you determine the best approach on how to obtain them. I suggest suddenly developing an interest in being frugal or in one of the financial gurus like Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman, and that your new pet project is cleaning up your budget and finances so you can get out of debt/retire/go on vacay/whatever. Or feign possible identity theft. Or that you want to draw up your wills and do an estate plan. Even if you are being open about your investigating, it is nice to make the WS feel like they are not the primary reason for doing so - they will be much more cooperative if they feel they are not under attack.
Second, you need credit reports from all three agencies in both your names (in the US, agencies will be different elsewhere). It is possible to get them free under certain circumstances, but they are a little tedious and time-consuming. If time is a factor, I would pay the fee for them to get them instantly. This will give you an idea if WS has opened any accounts you are not aware of, or has been late on payments, etc. Best of all it will give you a 3rd party verified list of all the debts.
Third, I suggest you get your tracking tools ready. Buy a large three ring binder, hole punch, and page dividers. I would also recommend either opening a Mint.com account or buying software like Quicken to track all the financials you are about to collect to expedite evaluating the transactions. Again, doing under the guise of your new interest in being frugal or whatever will set the scent off your other motives.
Fourth, you need to print statements from all your checking, saving, and money market accounts in his/her/both your names going back 12 months. Even if they are available online or already in your Mint.com account. You may need them for evidence in court, to file for D or post nup, and sometimes some things are easier to detect in paper reports than electronic. Put them in your 3 ring binder.
Fifth, you need to print statements from all your debt accounts in his/her/both your names going back 12 months, again even if available online for the same reasons and put them in your binder.
Sixth, you need to print statements from all asset accounts in his/her/both your names. Investments, retirement, property, car/boat/bike/etc and put them in your binder.
Seventh, you need to make copies of at least the last three tax returns and the accompanying W-2 forms and similar docs.
Eighth, if you do not already have this in place, you need to open a checking/saving account and a credit card that your WS cannot access in your name only. You need to start building this as your personal emergency fund, in case you have to leave, file for D, or purchase surveillance services or equipment on the sly. Start a plan on how you will build this fund. One way, for example, is to start pulling cash from grocery/big box store purchases with your debit card. It will not show up in your records as an ATM transaction, and you can deposit that cash into your account.
Ninth, I would strongly urge you get a safe deposit box and a PO Box in your name only that you and one trusted friend/relative can access. I would keep either hard copies or a USB fob with electronic copies of all the above info in it, plus any other evidence you do not want to lose. If you do choose to get a L, or order surveillance equipment or services on the sly, use your PO Box as the shipping address.
Tenth, use your Mint.com and printed copies to go through all these documents line by line. Play with all the financial trend reports to see things in ways you may have not considered. Look at the paper statements too, sometimes things stick out better that way. You need to be able to account for all transactions, that you were aware they existed and you know what they were for. Be aware that there are ways to hide expenses, like the cash withdrawal with debit purchases example I gave earlier. Or paying for someone else’s X and they reimburse you with cash that is never deposited, etc.
Finally, if you haven’t already, consult a L even if you have no plans to D. You need to know what your options are, and what happens if WS decides to file first. And there may be additional documents here that you may need to collect, and the L may make recommendations of things to do with various accounts to protect yourself. Many have free or reduced fee initial consultations, and some have free seminars to the public.
I know this may be the LAST thing you want to do right now, but you will be grateful you did when it’s done. The important thing is to do it ASAP, especially if your WS is willing to be cooperative in helping you secure the documents. It is one of the best acts of self-care you can give yourself during this difficult time.