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Kids and revenge emotions

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Running the Race posted 10/11/2013 09:52 AM

In my efforts to move on, Iíve noticed some strange feelings about my kids and my exW. She is starting to lean on her friends greatly. And in doing so, she is taking our kids to her friendís houses. Now, my EXW stayed at home for years. She met these women at the kids school and became friends with them. Most of them take her out to bars, karaoke night, etc., so when the kids go over their houses, the kids get to play with some of their school friends. And I donít have a favorable image of any of the moms.
Last night my EXW asked if my Daughter (9) could go to her girl scout ďSing AlongĒ.
None of this is bad for the kids; I think itís good for them.
Here is my problem; I feel this emotion that makes me want to say no to activities that involve a lot of these women. Or activities that my EXW would like the kids to be in. I donít want my exw to be able to provide a life for the kids. I guess I may feel a bit threatened, but I donít want to and I donít want to hurt my kids as a result. I also am not sure that is all I feel, or why. I feel like maybe itís a ďjabĒ at my EXW to say no. Because she wants the kids to do certain activities she enrolled them in. But in the end, I think my kids would be the real victim in all this.
I feel that I have two personalities these days; I feel there is an emotional side of me, the side that is unstable. It doesnít know if it wants to reach out to hug my EXW or yell at the top of my lungs at her.
The other side of me is the logical side. The side that is able to say this would be good for the kids or bad. But can make a judgment that is objective.
I guess I can see how people use thier kids to get back at their EX. I donít agree with it, but emotionally it can be very tempting. I wish I didnít entertain the idea, but to be completely transparent, I do. I do fight it, and I try not to allow myself to feel it. But it sure can be difficult at times.
Anyone have to fight these emotions?

nowiknow23 posted 10/11/2013 10:37 AM

I think it's good that you recognize when the revenge thoughts for what they are and don't act on them. Those thoughts are "normal" or at least, what passes for normal in these abnormal times.

Hang in there. Keep the kids' best interests front and center, and vent out the unhealthy stuff in a safe way. ((((Running))))

ninebark posted 10/11/2013 11:31 AM

Everytime my Ex wants to do something with is You know the kids will have a great time but you really don't want them to. Ugh.

It is hard, we have to suck it up and move on and's for the kids.

You definately aren't alone!

Ashland13 posted 10/11/2013 18:03 PM

Recently I had to do this too, Running.

Yes, I've felt like you do also and have had a lot of struggle trying to learn what XPervert's rights are so that I can not be caught by surprise anymore and what mine are.

I want to say no when he wants her to do things with OW and I understand what you mean completely.

Or people who knew about his affair before me, how to know what kind of influence these people will have on DD? This is my worry. What will she learn from them? They are so different from me and so is he and so that's my worry that I hear in your post.

Influence of the people who hurt us in our kid's life is a big question mark.

He'll say to me, "she'll be with me." But I don't know him anymore and you don't know EXW anymore or what goes on in kids lives when they are "under the influence" of a parent/person who could cause such harm and do so wrong to other people.

Yes, I get it.

Saadnblu posted 10/11/2013 21:23 PM

Yes, Running, I completely know what you are saying about the kids, and the very difficult range of emotions. I have been very controlling about what he can do with our son, and since he is feeling guilty it's easy to accomplish. But soon that guilt will wear away and I will have to accept that I can't control what he does, and further, I have to do some Herculean lifting on my part to let go. And I know about wanting to hug them and at the same time hurt them terribly.

I think it's very impressive, how honest you are with yourself about your feelings, and that will go a long ways towards not reacting, and doing the right thing by the kids, whatever that may may be.

SBB posted 10/11/2013 21:35 PM

Completely normal.

The thoughts are fine as long as you don't allow yourself to be consumed by them.

You can get so busy on vengeful thoughts that you forget to live your own damn life.

I've found those thoughts disappeared once I starting living in my own life, revelling in my time with my girls and just basically contributing to life around me.

I feel happy now when the girls tell me of fun times they have with their dad. It doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire and in fact it has nothing to do with him at all. I'm just happy my girls are happy.

You'll get there too.

Keep investing in your own life and your own world with your kids and you will find X will become smaller and smaller in your rearview mirror.

I know it is hard to believe right now but it really is true.

Thefly559 posted 10/12/2013 07:46 AM

I know exactly how you feel , I often feel the same . You are not alone. My stbxww has all new friends , all of which knew about her affair and still support her. She leaves kids with these people often and I hate it. I hate the fact that strangers will now have an influence on my kids. She hides behind the story that they can hang out with their friends. But that is an excuse. She does what is best for her only. Losing controll of the influences in my children's lives is not easy. But I guess I have to deal with it , like everything else I have been served.

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