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Newest Member: mojorisin (61886)

User Topic: I'm not "allowed" to comment
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little back story since I haven't been here much lately. H accepted a new job in August. In order for the kids to start school in the new place he and kids lived at his parents' for the month of September while I flew back and forth trying to get our old place staged to sell.

We are now in our new place. I've dealt with all of the moving including driving two cats 15 hours by myself.

Since moving from the city to a burb we have yet to get him a car to go to/from train, so the other day I made the comment that the past couple of months have been really hard on me.

His response was something like "we don't need to talk about what's in the past". I was pissed. He's not said thank you, he doesn't acknowledged how much I've accomplished unpacking when I do see him at night. It's all abnoout him.

I was so shocked by the comment I couldn't say much other than I'm allowed to comment on what I want. I wasn't complaining or saying anything other than stating fact, but apparently he doesn't like that.

We have no time during the week to go to the new therapist that the old one referred us to, and I'm at a loss. How did he turn into such an asshole? He's even a dick to the kids half the time now.

Me 44
Dh 42
Married 14...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to

Posts: 535 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he stressed in his new job? (Even if he is, he should be talking about it to you.) Would he benefit from walking or bussing to the train station?

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17120 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sleepy, honey it's time to call him out on his poor behavior. When he is a dick to the kids especially.

You can take a few minutes this weekend, when things are calm and quiet, and say, hey "Since we moved you have been short, and saying some really mean, selfish, and hurtful things to me and the kids. I really haven't called you out on it, because I have been surprised by it, and I know it has been a stressful time for all of us. However I am no longer going to tolerate it. When I hear you being short with the kids when they don't deserve it I am going to simply say stop. If you continue then I will ask you to come into the bedroom with me, to remove you from the situation. I will also no longer tolerate the disrespectful way you speak to me, and I will start calling you out on it. I have done a tremendous amount for this family, and for you. I WILL be respected.

If there is an issue that is upsetting you then lets discuss it, but I cannot, and will not tolerate this any longer.

Trust me he may not like it, but you will feel stronger, and you will have said your peace. He can choose to comply, or he can suffer the consequences. H tends to fly off the handle at times, and gets upset, and yells at what is not a big deal, but if I tell him to just stop. He gets that he is perhaps a bit over the top. It helps. It's not perfect, and it is much rarer these days, but occasionally it happens, and that approach has worked.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13440 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 38511
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your story. Could the A be on his mind because on the last move is when it all began? When you said that the last few weeks has been hard on you, he thought that this was what you wanted to talk about?

In my mind, that makes his comment, and his treatment of you and the kids worse. Because he is transferring his shame of past acts on to you. Absolutely what tushnurse said.

Stay Strong :)

Me, 47 BS
H, 65 WH
2 boys 23 and 18 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 523 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 26465
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I knew then what I do now!

Stop him when he talks to you like he has crap in his mouth snap your fingers and say that is not how you talk to someone you say you love!
That is what I started doing and wished I had sooner in life!

My favorite line to my spouse
Not everything in my life is about you!

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3225 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
♀ 38360
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I'm just getting back to this. I have very little time to myself right now, and the kids are always using my laptop, so I have to be careful.

I am reading what you all have said. I will reread, and try to not be stunned by his asshole comments.

Last night he was being particularly annoying and flakey. He came home from work early, so I picked the kids up and then we all picked him up at the train station.

He decided we would go out to eat since we'd be by a place later for ds's haircut. We get home. I shower to go out to eat, and he starts saying oh let's stay home and trying to manipulate the kids into saying lets eat at home.

I was a bit annoyed that he was changing his mind since I'd showered and dressed. I could've showered and put pjs on instead.

So, then begins the internal stewing, and I was just pissed with him by the time we got back from dinner. He sat on the couch next to me, and said something which turned into an "argument" and him telling me everytime anything goes wrong I blame him. I laughed and said no. You are always making me the bad person, and I'm sick of it. In short he says so based on what you're saying I've been a jerk the past few days(in a pissy tone), and I said yes, you've been a jerk all week. He walked off and went and watched tv in the bedroom.

BTW, I asked to look at his new phone at dinner, and I quickly did a scroll through...all of 20 seconds, and saw a text from a female at his new work that simply said "can we continue our chat." Of course, that could mean many things, but that text is conveniently gone from the phone this morning. Dickhead.

Me 44
Dh 42
Married 14...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to

Posts: 535 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Topic Posts: 6

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