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Another The Why? Question

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FeelingMN posted 10/11/2013 12:04 PM

Looking for opinions from WS and BS alike.

My FWW maintains that she figured out the Why of her ONS at a class reunion. She attended IC for a couple of months and came up with being drunk, depressed, and feeling like she went back in time during the reunion.

I've never really accepted that this gets down to the Why at all, more like the who, what, where, and when. Would this be an acceptable Why answer? Always seemed like a cop out to me, maybe I'm wrong. I'd like to know if I am.

dameia posted 10/11/2013 12:16 PM

IMO, it's a pretty legitimate answer to why. Drunk and depressed is a killer combo.

Of course, that doesn't excuse her behavior. She made a choice to have a ONS.

Maybe it's hard to accept this answer because you can't believe she would risk her M just because she was drunk and feeling down. And that's okay.You are entitled to have those feelings as well.

I think it's hard for most of us to accept the why's. Because more often than not the why is, "Because I could and I wanted to." Basically, it's selfishness.

tushnurse posted 10/11/2013 12:31 PM

It's a good start, but you have to go further, or she does. Why was she depressed? What allowed her to get drink enough that she lowered he morals and standards to the point where it was OK to do what she did?

More importantly what has she done to ensure that this won't happen again?

I think initally in R, or WS self actualization you get some fairly glossy, superficial excuses. As you work on healing, though they have to dig deeper, keep peeling the layers back. If you allow her to say yup thats it and not dig deeper, what's to keep her from becoming depressed again? What's to keep from drinking to the point where it's ok to have sex with another man? What's to keep her from "time traveling"?

Razor posted 10/11/2013 12:37 PM

Getting involved in the WHY question will drive you insane. Whys will sound like excuses or blaming others whether they are valid or not.

IMO its more important for the WS to get to the WHY than it is for the BS to understand it.

A better question is HOW.

HOW did WW feel it was ok to cheat?
HOW did she make that decision?
HOW could she have you and her M in her mind and still feel it was ok to cheat?

To me *HOW* is a process and *WHY* is an excuse. YMMV tho

FeelingMN posted 10/11/2013 12:54 PM

what's to keep her from becoming depressed again? What's to keep from drinking to the point where it's ok to have sex with another man? What's to keep her from "time traveling"?

I basically ask her these questions. Most of the answers involve not doing something. For instance, she's not taking trips by herself to build the trust back. I try to tell her that something like that isn't all that helpful because its not really and action and eventually, she'll probably take a trip by herself. Square one.

Razor, I think FWW sees the How and Why the same so from her the answer is the same. Personally, I think I understand the actual Why. At least I've got a good enough picture of it and it really isn't the same as drunk and depressed, not in my head. I just don't think she's really dug into it, I think she's found an easy out. She really hasn't embraced the R process to any degree and I think this comes up because of that.

Razor posted 10/11/2013 13:05 PM

FOR ME AND ME ONLY. I think my WWs *why* was quite simple.

1. she had the opportunity
2. she knew she could get away with it (at least for awhile)
3. she wanted to

Simple as that.

HOW tho is more complicated. HOW is all about the internal validation she made.

I like to break what is normally just the why question into 2. the why and how. When I asked why questions all I got from my WW were justifications and excuses. But when I asked questions like *how was it ok for you to break your vows?* the answers became deeper and more soul searching on her part.

FeelingMN posted 10/11/2013 13:12 PM

I've asked in the past, How did you say it was ok to do this. I just get "drunk", "depressed" and "time machine" as the catch all. I guess i have to read up on letting go again.

HardenMyHeart posted 10/11/2013 14:03 PM

being drunk, depressed, and feeling like she went back in time during the reunion.

This is where I would focus. It's a superficial answer that does not address why she was depressed and longing for the past. It sounds like she may be unhappy/unfulfilled in her current life and the excitement of the affair offered her an escape from what she sees as her boring, depressing everyday life.

Do not see this as a reflection on yourself. However, this an opportunity for you to find out why she feels unfulfilled/depressed and see if you can help make her life happier.

So sorry you have to go through this.

ETA: I would recommend the following book by Scott Haltzman to help you gain some insight:
The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 2:07 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

LeopoldB posted 10/11/2013 14:22 PM

She had a choice to ride the time machine all the way back to a point in school where she was saving herself. But instead she got off where that wasn't her primary concern.

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