SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

foolsuchasi posted 10/11/2013 12:07 PM

hello,

i have been reading alot on here & it has been very helpful. some of these stories are so similar & i'm hoping i can get some insight from someone who knows where i'm coming from.

on august 9, my wife was at a friends house & i was trying to go to bed early as i had to be up early to leave town for 4 days for work. she usually packs for me because i'm a challenged when it comes to fashion. around midnight i called to see if she would come home soon so i could go to sleep & no answer. i sent a text & no response.

about 30 minutes later i tried calling again & no answer. we had recently upgraded to smart phones & i was a little concerned, so i tried the phone find app & it showed that the phone was located in the country in an area that i had never been to. i had never used this feature before, so i thought it was probably not very accurate.

about 1:30 she calls & said she was leaving her friends house & had left her phone in the car is why she didn't answer. i pulled up the locater again & it showed her location as leaving where it showed before on her way home.

when she got home i asked her where she had been & she said at her friends house, i asked her if she came straight home & she said yes. she showered & came to bed. i didnt sleep much as my imagination was running wild. the next morning on my way out of town i drove to the location she was at the night before to see that it was a hay field & a friend of ours that has been a lifelong friend of hers & one of our "couple friends" was out there bailing hay.

my heart sunk & was having a hard time processing it because i never would have suspected that my wife would not be faithful.

keep in mind that from here on out, the decisions i made were not at 100%. i go on my trip & spend 4 days trying to act like nothing is going on with me. every chance i get im looking to see where my wife is on the phone. the first night i'm away she is back in the hay field, the next 3 everything seems to be back to normal.

the night before i go home, i call a friend & try to tell this story because i have no idea what to do & although i know what this probably means, i don't want to face that. he tells me not to say anything until i can do the investigating that i need to do & know exactly what is going on.

when i get home i look at her phone & see where they have been texting, but the content of the messages had been deleted. i look at the cell phone records & see lots of phone calls. the are sporatic, no calls for a week or so then several in a day. this dude is also married so i figure the calls pick up when she is out of town or when he is bailing hay in the middle of the night.

i checked my calender & the previous time there was alot of phone calls was the last time i had been out of town.

about a week later my wife & i left town together & my wife got drunk & stayed out late & when she came back to the room i was so angry i confronted her & did a really poor job of doing so.

she started telling me how bad a husband i am & i should be ashamed for accusing her of this. she spent the night in her sisters hotel room & the next day she got some things & went to her mothers house to stay.

after about a week i filed for divorce & when she got served she loaded up all her things & moved them into storage. she has continued to deny that there was anything wrong with what she was doing because they were just friends.

she has been texting me like nothing is going on & calling just to chat. she says i have been looking for an excuse to divorce her & am making a big deal out of this so i can finally get rid of her.

i told her i knew that she had gotten together with this guy the time before when i was out of town & she said she had gone by his house just to visit (his family was out of town also)

i dont know what kind of advice im looking for, i'm almost stupid enough to believe her but not quite. although i never would have believed this is happenenig, but now that it has, i think she may have been unfaithful from day 1. am i that stupid?

we have been married for 16 years, we were highschool sweethearts & have no children. i want to beat this m.f. until he has to start wearing diapers.

kenny55 posted 10/11/2013 17:47 PM

Dude, sorry you are here. I do not know what to say so I am hoping others will join in . Stay strong

Skan posted 10/12/2013 12:12 PM

Hey there. I''m sorry that you had the reason to find us, but I am so glad that you DID find us, so that we can support you.

You do realize that she is lying, don''t you? If she actually was innocent, she would be walking around in total disbelief, crying, pleading with you to come see your pastor, councilor, whoever together so that they could talk some sense into you. Or insisting that you see your "friend" aka the OM and his family, so that you could get this all straighten out. Instead she''s essentially stomped her feet, taken her toys away, and is re-writing history so that you are now the Bad Husband who Drove Her To Do whatever. This is VERY typical of a WW (wandering wife, actually any wandering spouse). So now she''s got you questioning your sanity and good sense. That''s a win on her side you are now too confused to think about what you need to do.

First off, take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and read The Healing Library. Then read any post on this forum that has a bulls-eye next to it, especially the one on tactics. These are all good articles written by people who have walked in your path. Pay especial attention to the 180. Essentially, you need to withdraw from her to get your own mind in order. As a short-term goal, don''t respond to any more texts, let her phone calls go to voice mail, and pretend that she doesn''t exist until Monday. Take this weekend for yourself.

Next, and this is going to be hard, I know, you need to call your "couple friends" wife and let her know what''s been going on. Don''t tell your WW that you''re going to do this. Just call and compassionately, let her know what you''ve found out about the pattern of meetings, suggest that she check her WHs phone history, and tell her that your WW has moved out, so she should be on the lookout for your WW to try to contact the OM. I am going to bet you, that the minute you do this, and the BW of the OM gets ahold of him and confronts, the OM is going to throw your WW under the bus so fast that she gets road rash from the slide. This may bring her to her senses, she might be even more enraged, but now, at least, you have another pair of eyes watching to make sure that they don''t get together again to bail some more hay.

This is hard, hard stuff. Your body and mind are reacting, quite rightly, as if you have been hit by a bus and are lying in the road bleeding. It''s shocking, it''s unexpected, and it really is true trauma. Take care of yourself. Eat what you can, rest when you can, and stay hydrated stay away from the booze. Treat yourself with care. And please keep coming back here for support. We are all here for you. Weekends can be a bit slow, but if you go to the "I Can Relate" forum, and look for the Betrayed Men thread, the guys are really supportive and there is almost always someone on-line there. (((hugs)))

edited to say, I just bumped a bunch of posts to you to the 1st page. More good ones on pg 2.

[This message edited by Skan at 12:15 PM, October 12th, 2013 (Saturday)]

Uhtred posted 10/12/2013 15:50 PM

Foolsuchasi,

I hate hear that you are having to deal with this. I too had (have) the feelings of rage and acted upon them toward the other man. I beat him down real good because he was a "friend" of the family.

It was my wife's dads best friend. A 54 year old married man with grandchildren the age of our children. I'm still in shock and disgusted by it to this day and can't believe that that is what my 33 year old wife cheated on me with. It's really insulting.

With that being said I'm not one to take advice from as I'm still just as confused as you are. I will say this though that my wayward wife lied through her teeth and I still believe she is lying about other things that she was up to.

I feel for you man I really do. Don't do anything to get yourself in trouble it isn't worth it. Hopefully someone can chime in and give you some sound advice.

foolsuchasi posted 10/12/2013 15:51 PM

thank yall so much for your replies, i am so thankful for this website, i wish i had discovered it before i confronted her.

skan, i do know she is lying, she can somehow create a little doubt in me when i talk to her but i know it's garbage.

i really don't think i want to reconcile, i know that making a big decision right now is not the best move, but i feel like this marriage deserves the respect that she has been giving it.

again i appreciate being able to vent here, i really only have 1 person i can talk to about this situation, & i have probably bothered him way too much already with it.

stronger08 posted 10/12/2013 17:12 PM

One thing I have learned is that most WS leave a paper trail a mile long. Do you guys have a home PC or laptop she has used ? If so get the hard drive scanned for deleted e-mails and FB posts. Perhaps she left behind an old phone ? If she was cheating there is evidence. You just need to find it.

foolsuchasi posted 10/12/2013 19:06 PM

this may be hard to believe but she doesnt use the computer at all, neither of us have facebook accounts & she has never had an email account. the cell phone records have been helpful but unfortunately from the research i have done, it is impossible to get the content of their text messages.

it would be nice to be able to confront her with something she couldnt refute, but i pretty much have & if i produced an obscene email, she would just tell me the government hacked her account or something.

it is interesting that about 3 or 4 months ago, her credit card statement no longer showed up online when i accessed our accounts. i havent seen a statement since, she has just been getting the bill in the mail & paying it. i will get it this month & be able to look at it before i give it to her.

i also noticed in the phone records, she spoke to a girlfriend of hers often right around the time she would speak to her new guy. could be coincidence, but if necessary, might be interesting to depose her.

[This message edited by foolsuchasi at 7:07 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]