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befuzzled110 posted 10/11/2013 12:45 PM

I have found evidence of behavior that is hurting our chances of Recovery. I am starting a new job on Monday (finally) and am about to embark on a path that will allow me to be either a helpful partner in a recovery by reducing money stress and taking accountability for personal debts OR allow me to become financially independent and walk away from this mess. Sunday is our anniversary (real, 18 years) and the conversation I need to have, has to be before Monday, as when I start to work....if he's bored, and has opportunity...if you know what I am saying...the trust still isn't there. On the one hand I don't want to "ruin" our anniversary. On the other hand, this conversation can not wait. And to top it off I am angry, and I am having a hard time trying to control it, which will not help having a "productive' conversation. So, How do I "attack' this issue? Do I bite the bullet, and risk ruining the anniversary? Do I write a letter? Do I tell him I need to talk to him, and tell him when he is ready to come to me? Do I just pounce on him when he walks in the door? How do you handle your anger when you are in a time sensitive issue???

headdesk posted 10/11/2013 15:31 PM

I'd say with the issue running through your head, there is no way that you'll have a relaxing, romantic, nice anniversary anyways. As for how to confront without freaking out, that's harder. Maybe is there a way to exercise pretty vigorously right before you do confront?

heartache101 posted 10/11/2013 15:41 PM

First is evidence something he can not weasle his way out of?
Second never tip your hand unless you have a calm mind.
Me I am a builder all my evidence builds then when I am ready I lay it out. Could be years but you have to be ready for taking the next step if the answer is not acceptable for the marriage to continue.
My therapist said you will know when that is.
So why? Why does it have to be this weekend and not next?

befuzzled110 posted 10/11/2013 17:07 PM

The evidence is ... I have more of a gut feeling, a time that he was at the computer, and a strange number on his phone bill, and one of the few texts was a picture message. The rest is assumptions. It could be any one he was talking to...until I saw he had sent it a pic. Then I figured it out. He will try to wiggle out of it. And I am unsure of how I am going to react. I am quick to yell anymore. I am just so tired and angry. I guess it doesn't have to be this weekend. If I press and have this talk, I probably would end up with a false sense of security. And that's just as bad....

heartache101 posted 10/11/2013 17:40 PM

Make sure you have him caught red handed. Gather evidence tell him it is not acceptable behavior! Sounds like you already have the evidence. Schedule a time with him either before or after anniversary date. Show him the evidence tell him to please darlin husband explain this?
I know I have a hard time confronting without loosing it! I have to prepare prepare so I remain calm!

befuzzled110 posted 10/12/2013 07:35 AM

How do you all do it? How do you hide the anger festering under the surface and act like nothing is bothering you? This is like torture...

I think I can posted 10/12/2013 11:32 AM

I would express your feelings, but very vaguely.

"Oh I'm feeling down, a black cloud, sad" (whatever you normally say.) "I don't know why I'm feeling like this--must be that time of year, or hormones or something.....I just feel unsettled..."