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feeling down today and sex issue (tmi)

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purplebreeze posted 10/11/2013 12:54 PM

I am feeling a bit down today.

WH and I had been making progress, but in aug I started noticing a bit of a change. I reinstalled the keylogger and found that he is on the exhibitionism/voyeur website again and talking to women.

One lived near here and wanted to meet up with him, they went back and forth and then when she pressed for a hook up, he finally told her "Had an issue last time, not sure about going there again". They stopped.

4 others have been chatting with him and exchanging pictures.

Over the last 3 years, I have told him repeatedly about how unhappy I am that he does not look at me or touch me down there. He claims he does, but touching is infrequent and foreplay is infrequent even though we still have sex twice a day. He never looks at my crotch but will look at me when I walk out of the shower and uses that to justify that he does look at me. He looks online at pictures of other women's crotches ever day. He tells me he wants to give me oral (he is always telling the others he would do it to them) and our last discussion 2 weeks ago, I told him that why would he want to lick something that is so dam awful that he can't stand to even look at it. He denies he doesn't look at it. I just feel my body shutting down.

I am not sure about even bringing anything up, because he just denies it and does as he pleases and I want the keylogger unknown just in case he does meet up with someone, then I will know.

We rarely talk as I have been told that his life is pretty much none of my business. He had told me his friends, his work, his internet usage were all none of my business. I only talk about the above if he brings up the subject. We talk about the house, money, and the family.

I am realizing that I will stay with him, because I only worked the first years of our marriage and haven't since I was 35 and would not be able to support myself in a divorce as there would be little to split as we are still underwater on our mortgage and have little savings. He tells me we wouldn't be in this situation if I had kept working (mutual decision but more his), If I hadn't wanted this house (mutual decision based on needing more room to have his parents move in), and if I would have managed the money better (hard to do when he keeps wanting to spend on his toys and complains when I say there isn't money).

I just feel so lost and alone and you are the only ones that know and I can talk to.

brokendancer7 posted 10/11/2013 14:04 PM

Wow, I don't have any wise advice, but I can hear the pain in your posting, and can understand why you are feeling down. Finding out that your H is still doing the things that have hurt you so much already must feel awful.

If you are having sex twice a day, I am surprised that he has sexual energy left for this kind of garbage.

Feeling trapped is awful. I am in a similar situation, being older and not having worked in years, but to keep sane, I have had to form a plan for my own life that is possible, even though it would be difficult. Just knowing that leaving is possible has taken a lot of pressure off me, and has made me more able to deal with the whole infidelity situation.


purplebreeze posted 10/11/2013 14:12 PM

I have been putting in applications for anything even store christmas help for the last 2 and a half years. With no employment history, I have put down that I volunteered at church and then I took care of aging parents until they passed just to show I wasn't sitting on a couch somewhere and haven't even gotten a notice at all.

I have no idea what to do since I am at retirement age. WH retires next year at 66 and I don't know how I'll even want to be in the same house that much with him.

As for sexual energy, he eats, drinks, and sleeps sex. Almost half his comments are about sex. If he could, he would be doing it even more than that.

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 2:15 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

headdesk posted 10/11/2013 14:41 PM

Great that you're applying for a job. Hopefully you'll find something that feeds you emotionally as well as literally.

Other than that, my tmi suggestion is to get a toy. He's not doing it for you, isn't interested in doing it for you and it's a good statement too. If he's not ringing your bell, you should be able to do it for yourself. :)

heartache101 posted 10/11/2013 14:51 PM

Headdesk is right on!
Look life is short. Check your state laws see a lawyer. In my state my spouse would have to support me for 3 years. For a home I bought an RV paid cash. It isnt brand spankin new by any means but guess what? If I need to leave I have somewhere to sleep and pee that is all mine!
Your story reminds me of my MIL
Live life like you were dying tomorrow! There is happiness you gotta find it!

purplebreeze posted 10/11/2013 16:20 PM

I know life is too short. Have lost 2 couples recently both in accidents, husband and wife both gone. I just wish I could find someone willing to give me a job and then I think I would be able to go. This morning I was feeling so down, I just wanted to start walking away from town and walk as far as I could and then just lay down. Feeling somewhat better, but sometimes I just feel so hopeless and alone. No family and no one I can confide in.

I have a wonderful toy. It is how I found out I could still make it, since I feel so numb with him.

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 4:22 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

shatteredheart7 posted 10/11/2013 17:02 PM

Wow! My heart breaks for you! He is a selfish ASS! He sounds a lot like my FWH was before his A. No one should have to put up with someone like that.

I understand the money and job thing. I hadn't worked since 2003 when I knew I was going to be moving out in Jan of 2012. My kids dad pays child support whenever he feels like it and its only $300 a month. So I knew I had to get a job to support my kids. I went to work at a 7-11. It wasn't much, just enough to pay the basics. But the kids and I made it through 7 months with just that.

As for this...
"We rarely talk as I have been told that his life is pretty much none of my business. He had told me his friends, his work, his internet usage were all none of my business."
I DON'T THINK SO! That would piss me off so much that I would probably go live in my car rather than put up with his ass and it would be a cold day in hell when I had sex with him. If his life is none of your business and he isn't satisfying you, then why bother? Go talk to a lawyer. I'm not sure how long you have been married but he should have to pay you spousal support, and it doesn't matter if he can afford it. My lawyer told me that it is based on how many years you have been married and how much he makes. If he has a lot of bills then he will just have to figure that out on his own.

Good luck to you and please go talk to a lawyer!

[This message edited by shatteredheart7 at 5:04 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

Twentyplus posted 10/11/2013 17:12 PM

Why are you having sex with him? Do you want to be?

Many good thoughts to you. Maybe volunteer for a non-profit to get out of the house. It can turn into paid sometimes.

tushnurse posted 10/11/2013 17:23 PM

Welcome. No one wants tO be here but you will find there are many of us with great advice and compassion.

First you are in a cycle I abuse. Sex twice a day for sex is not healthy. He is clearly a sex addict. You ARE NOT STUCK. you need to go to a local woman's shelter and find an attorney tht will give you a first visit to find out your rights and how this will play out. You don't have to stay. You will also find there are a ton of resources for single seniors. You don't want a lot just to be happy. You will qualify for senior HUD housing of you too are of social security age.
You can break the cycle and you can survive and come out happy on the other side.

No one deserves this level of abuse.
(((( and strength))))

Missymomma posted 10/11/2013 17:35 PM

So sorry you are living with his sex addiction. Please check out the spouses of sex addicts thread at

Also, check out It has a lot of info about sex addiction. You could look into COSA or S-Annon in your area and will find other women there dealing with these same issues. I second what Tush said, visiting an attorney is a very good idea. Also, having sex with him twice a day seems to be a dangerous practice, if he is acting out with other people.

two2muchpain posted 10/11/2013 17:53 PM

Sent you a PM.

Ostrich80 posted 10/11/2013 19:12 PM

Purplebreeze, I'm so sorry your hurting. Do you want to have sex with him? It sounds like he's only in it for himself, plus, what if he IS meeting these women, he could give you an STD. It sounds like your empty nesters so if you did want to leave, you wouldn't need a very big place. You may even qualify for low income assistance, to help with an apartment. Sounds like he's slowly killing your soul, I know what that feels like. Maybe you can try to live a separate life, if you stay. Focus on yourself and tell him to kiss your ass. Easier said than done but I felt the greatest satisfaction when my ws asked me go to the auto store with him and expected me to wag my tail and jump in the truck like a dog grateful for a pat on the head, I said no thank you and continued doing my thing. He was speechless because normally I would have jumped at the chance that he asked me to go with him. FTG!!!!!

cantgetup posted 10/11/2013 21:59 PM

This is a deplorable situation for you. You have to find a way out. Recession housing is in your favor, I think you could find something with some pounding the pavement. Make that your job--all you need is a
Computer and a phone. He has to support you, but you will need to start formal proceedings in order to get that. I know its a long haul and daunting thought, but I don't see any other choice for you.

EasyDoesIt posted 10/11/2013 23:24 PM

Wake-up call here. You said that you're upside down in your house and have very little savings.

Start an exit plan now and realize that upside down in the mortgage means that you can walk away free and clear, even if you have to file for bankruptcy after you file for divorce. That would put you on level ground at least. Think about it. Really, what do you have to lose?

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