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Help with positive antiversary ideas

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therepentantone posted 10/11/2013 13:15 PM

This is my first post. My BW has been coming here since shortly after D-day. We are trying to R and with the first antiversary coming up I know I want to save her from a bad day lost in terrible thoughts of what her WH did. She is the one who suggested I come here to look for ideas.

I intend to give her a letter expressing my love for her and my appreciation for her willingness to give me a second chance along with what I look forward to in OUR future together. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated. If there is already info pertaining to this I would love to have the links.

LosferWords posted 10/11/2013 13:37 PM

Hello, and welcome to SI, therepentantone.

The letter does sound like a good idea. It's very important that the words in that letter are backed up by actions as well.

A book that I would recommend is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Have you or your wife read this book yet? If so, do you know what her love language is?

Finding a creative way to speak to her from your heart using her love language would probably be very meaningful to her.

Good luck!

sisoon posted 10/11/2013 14:08 PM

I, too, think a simple letter is a good idea, and definitely from your heart in her LL.

I also strongly suggest you ask her how she'd like to spend the day. I suspect communicating is the opposite of what you were doing a year ago, so simply asking (and listening) will demonstrate a change for the better and a commitment to being in a partnership with her.

Best of luck.

Alex CR posted 10/11/2013 16:35 PM

I agree a letter is a good idea. I still carry in my wallet a letter my H sent me two years ago.....It comforts me to read it as my H was never one that liked to write.

Our Dday was the week before Thanksgiving almost four years ago and I don't remember much about that holiday season. I was in shock for months and not really aware of life outside the betrayal.

Before the antiversary rolled around H talked about taking a trip with some friends for Thanksgiving. Our kids are grown and the thought of spending Dday and Thanksgiving away appealed to me. I wasn't ready to face the holiday with a smile and I jumped at the chance to travel.

As we approached the first Dday, it was tough but I kept busy planning and packing for the trip. We took some time out on the trip to talk about the past year, but were also busy building our new memories. We went away the next two years also and I have a lot of happy memories to associate with that time now. This year we will stay home for the first time. I suggested that to my H....I think I'm ready.

It might be a good idea to be prepared with some suggestions how to spend Dday in case your BS is not sure what she'd like. I know it's not easy for everyone to get away, but maybe something that's not the usual ....a candlelight picnic together, a bubble bath and a massage......whatever makes her feel special and lets her know you are thankful she gave you the gift of R.

Either way, you're being here looking for help is a good sign. I wish you both the best of luck.

catlover50 posted 10/11/2013 17:23 PM

We actually celebrated our first antiversary as an authentic life anniversary (ALA), since that was the beginning of our authentic life together.

My fWH made all the plans, which included cards, roses, an outdoor fire, dinner that he cooked, a candlelit bath...

It was lovely and turned a trigger into a wonderful memory.

Best of luck.

tushnurse posted 10/11/2013 17:43 PM

Obviously she will want to have your attentions focused on her and to be made to feel like a queen and the center of your world.

I would make sure you discuss with her I you haven't what might trigger her that day. So you can avoid those. Do something completely new and different that day. Picnic in the park, trip to museum, massages together, something she has never had before with you. Hell even a hot air balloon ride. Make it special make it about her and it will be great.

Thanks for cOming to the site an having the balls to post. Many Ws's are afraid to come but really we accept you.

(((( and strength )))

broken81 posted 10/12/2013 16:19 PM

We spent our antiversary far away from home and things that might remind me of it.
We enjoyed the day and when night came (I found out at night) i had him hold me while i slept. I went to bed early because I was worried i would get upset staying up thinking about it.
It ended up perfect.
You two really need to talk and figure out what would work for you both.
Definitly try to replace that memory and day with a new better one.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/12/2013 18:10 PM

I HIGHLY recommend not doing anything without talking with her about it first. If you plan something romantic, it could backfire. If you plan to ignore it, it could backfire. The point is, you need to talk to her to find out what she would like to do and how she thinks she would like to have the day handled.

SecondHelping posted 10/12/2013 18:48 PM

I fully recommend the above! My fWW ignored it and it was like a knife in the heart. I kept reminding her and she did nothing.

therepentantone posted 10/17/2013 14:08 PM

Thank you to all that gave me feedback.

Losferwords - My BW and I have read the love languages book. I need to do a better job of showing her love in her language.

sisoon - thank you for your suggestion. I will no longer be planning something for that day by myself, I will make sure she is part of the planning.

catlover50 - interesting concept your ALA.

tushnurse - I like the idea of a hot air balloon ride but it will be a mutual decision whatever we do.

broken81 - my hope is definitely to replace bad memories of that time with good ones.

Rebreather posted 10/17/2013 14:11 PM

I want to give you a high five for being proactive. Nice work.

On our first antiversary, my H woke me with some sweet words and a lovely pair of earrings. Just a small gift from my favorite jewelry store to let me know he thought of me, planned, made an extra effort and was conscious of what the day meant. His ACTIONS made a big impact on me. It was still a hard day, regardless.

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