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Newest Member: OneLittleVictory (61821)

User Topic: Help with positive antiversary ideas
♂ 40934
Member # 40934
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post. My BW has been coming here since shortly after D-day. We are trying to R and with the first antiversary coming up I know I want to save her from a bad day lost in terrible thoughts of what her WH did. She is the one who suggested I come here to look for ideas.

I intend to give her a letter expressing my love for her and my appreciation for her willingness to give me a second chance along with what I look forward to in OUR future together. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated. If there is already info pertaining to this I would love to have the links.

WH 39
BW 37
Married 18 yrs
2 week A Nov 2012
9 kids
You cannot change the past, but you can do better today and have a brighter tomorrow

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome to SI, therepentantone.

The letter does sound like a good idea. It's very important that the words in that letter are backed up by actions as well.

A book that I would recommend is "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Have you or your wife read this book yet? If so, do you know what her love language is?

Finding a creative way to speak to her from your heart using her love language would probably be very meaningful to her.

Good luck!

Posts: 30662 | Registered: Dec 2010
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, think a simple letter is a good idea, and definitely from your heart in her LL.

I also strongly suggest you ask her how she'd like to spend the day. I suspect communicating is the opposite of what you were doing a year ago, so simply asking (and listening) will demonstrate a change for the better and a commitment to being in a partnership with her.

Best of luck.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17064 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree a letter is a good idea. I still carry in my wallet a letter my H sent me two years ago.....It comforts me to read it as my H was never one that liked to write.

Our Dday was the week before Thanksgiving almost four years ago and I don't remember much about that holiday season. I was in shock for months and not really aware of life outside the betrayal.

Before the antiversary rolled around H talked about taking a trip with some friends for Thanksgiving. Our kids are grown and the thought of spending Dday and Thanksgiving away appealed to me. I wasn't ready to face the holiday with a smile and I jumped at the chance to travel.

As we approached the first Dday, it was tough but I kept busy planning and packing for the trip. We took some time out on the trip to talk about the past year, but were also busy building our new memories. We went away the next two years also and I have a lot of happy memories to associate with that time now. This year we will stay home for the first time. I suggested that to my H....I think I'm ready.

It might be a good idea to be prepared with some suggestions how to spend Dday in case your BS is not sure what she'd like. I know it's not easy for everyone to get away, but maybe something that's not the usual ....a candlelight picnic together, a bubble bath and a massage......whatever makes her feel special and lets her know you are thankful she gave you the gift of R.

Either way, you're being here looking for help is a good sign. I wish you both the best of luck.

BS Me 63
WS Him 64
Married 35
Together 41
DD 11/16/09
I can dwell in the negative or seek the road is lonely...the other teeming with life.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We actually celebrated our first antiversary as an authentic life anniversary (ALA), since that was the beginning of our authentic life together.

My fWH made all the plans, which included cards, roses, an outdoor fire, dinner that he cooked, a candlelit bath...

It was lovely and turned a trigger into a wonderful memory.

Best of luck.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2313 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously she will want to have your attentions focused on her and to be made to feel like a queen and the center of your world.

I would make sure you discuss with her I you haven't what might trigger her that day. So you can avoid those. Do something completely new and different that day. Picnic in the park, trip to museum, massages together, something she has never had before with you. Hell even a hot air balloon ride. Make it special make it about her and it will be great.

Thanks for cOming to the site an having the balls to post. Many Ws's are afraid to come but really we accept you.

(((( and strength )))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13419 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 36774
Member # 36774
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We spent our antiversary far away from home and things that might remind me of it.
We enjoyed the day and when night came (I found out at night) i had him hold me while i slept. I went to bed early because I was worried i would get upset staying up thinking about it.
It ended up perfect.
You two really need to talk and figure out what would work for you both.
Definitly try to replace that memory and day with a new better one.

him fWS
M 8yrs 2 kids
DD 2/12 lies until 4/12
2.5 yr A with an OLD married whore
working on R

Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I HIGHLY recommend not doing anything without talking with her about it first. If you plan something romantic, it could backfire. If you plan to ignore it, it could backfire. The point is, you need to talk to her to find out what she would like to do and how she thinks she would like to have the day handled.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
♂ 36796
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fully recommend the above! My fWW ignored it and it was like a knife in the heart. I kept reminding her and she did nothing.

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/2 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 568 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
♂ 40934
Member # 40934
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to all that gave me feedback.

Losferwords - My BW and I have read the love languages book. I need to do a better job of showing her love in her language.

sisoon - thank you for your suggestion. I will no longer be planning something for that day by myself, I will make sure she is part of the planning.

catlover50 - interesting concept your ALA.

tushnurse - I like the idea of a hot air balloon ride but it will be a mutual decision whatever we do.

broken81 - my hope is definitely to replace bad memories of that time with good ones.

WH 39
BW 37
Married 18 yrs
2 week A Nov 2012
9 kids
You cannot change the past, but you can do better today and have a brighter tomorrow

Posts: 3 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to give you a high five for being proactive. Nice work.

On our first antiversary, my H woke me with some sweet words and a lovely pair of earrings. Just a small gift from my favorite jewelry store to let me know he thought of me, planned, made an extra effort and was conscious of what the day meant. His ACTIONS made a big impact on me. It was still a hard day, regardless.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 11

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