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Newest Member: solstice (46049)

User Topic: WH thinks he can never be the husband I want
MissMovingOn
♀ 30720
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brief background: Multiple OW over at least four years including as recently as this summer. WH moved out in June but we've still been trying to work on things. He's going to IC, but primarily for anger management which is the main reason we separated in June but of course the A issues are a significant concern and impacting everything. General ongoing disregard for how his actions impact me. He says his IC says that he feels that he is demonstrating remorse in his words but that I'm not "feeling" it because he has a flat (blunted?) affect. Regularly says that he has no idea what I need or what I want from him despite me telling him over and over which has left me feeling totally disregarded.

Several "crisis" issues lately: His continuing use of porn due to not thinking that it is a "problem" that I should have any input in, travel with a female coworker that I feel he has engaged in at a minimum an EA with and his inability to understand my reaction to that, etc.

He told me last night that he thinks that he just isn't capable of being the husband that I want and that he's not sure if it is because I have unrealistic expectations, if he is just "self-righteous", or if we just have completely differing views of what fixing the M should look like. I told him I don't think I have unrealistic expectations and that it's probably a combination of the latter two. He feels like "this is never going to end" because he isn't capable of figuring out how to do the right things for our marriage and for me.

I feel like he's giving up and I'm not sure what, if anything, I should do about it. I've always been the one to suggest things for him to read, try to find ways to keep him positive when he gets self-deprecating, etc. but now I'm wondering if I should just let him go if this is where his head is at?


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 420 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
mysticpenguin
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have done all you can on your end. If he is incapable of stepping up to become the person you need, well, then sadly this may be the end of the road.

I would tell him that you are willing to save the marriage and have done an awful lot to that end, but it takes two, and if he continues to disregard your clearly stated needs, then you will be forced to consider a future without him.

He should not be ready to give up this soon, and when you are telling him what you need. He needs to be woken up.

(((((Hugs)))))


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that sounds pretty luke warm and passive. It isn't something he can be like that on. He could do it if he wanted to...what you are asking isn't unreasonable. He's just choosing it.

I babied my husband along for years, again telling him what he should do, read, etc. It really disempowered him. Now I've given him clear cut expectations and boundaries and it's up to him to figure out how to get there. He's putting in that work. It is better for me and for him.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH also gave me the "I'm not the man you need me to be" and the "You deserve a better man than I am" speeches.
What it really meant is that he was still sleeping around and wanted me to feel pity for him instead of anger.

If I were in your shoes, I'd take him at face value and believe what he is telling you. He is telling you that he cannot/will not be the man you need.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6749 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
OldCow18
♀ 39670
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH also has anger issues and a need to be right. Sigh. It all came to a head for us the day he told me he wasn't sure if he was 100% committed to this marriage because he needs to focus on his own sh/t and that maybe he's not a "relationship type person". This came after 3 months of half-assed R on his part. At that moment, as calm as can be I felt done and said he needed to leave the house by the end of the weekend and we were going NC. I felt GREAT. A weight was lifted and the clarity I gained being alone was amazing. I realized I had been driving the ship for those 3 months and I was DONE doing that. It was up to HIM to fix this mess HE created. The whole vibe in the house changed and I was more productive and focused.

The time away scared the crap out of him and he realized what his life would be like without me. After 2 days he was asking to come back, he had revelations, etc. he was now ready to do whatever it took to fix this. I let him come back after 5 days.

Although we are still struggling, at now only 4 months out, there have been major changes in him...and me. The dynamic has changed and that has been a very good thing for us.

Since your WH has already moved out, I would suggest going NC with him. Let him stew in his own thoughts for a while. Let HIM realize what he needs to realize. Like you, I spent all of my time telling WH how to feel, what to do, what to read, blah blah blah. He needs to figure it out for himself. And if he doesn't? So be it.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 3:36 PM, October 11th (Friday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
MissMovingOn
♀ 30720
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I know you're right I'm just having a hard time accepting the reality of it. :(


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
FINAL FINAL DDay - August 8, 2014. I AM DONE!

Posts: 420 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
Tawnie
♀ 40886
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H says some of the same exact things and has for 20 years. Anything he says to me anymore is just words. If he can't back it up with actions that is all it is.... WORDS. Can't heal and move on to fix the marriage if all you are getting is lip service.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
2boys11
♀ 40551
Member # 40551
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this. My WH is doing the same thing to me and it is so frustrating. I decided tonight I am going forward to begin the divorce. Like the others said, it's all words, no legit action. I have seen the best in him for SO long and I'm finally making myself look at the reality in front of me. But it's hard....

Good luck! Hugs!!


BS - Me, 36
FWH- Him, 38
Married 10 years, 3 beautiful kids 6 and under
DDay - Sept 13, 2013
TT for 7 months

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
cantgetup
♀ 36146
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's usually a smoke screen tactic. What he wants you to believe is It's because of you that he can't be the man you need, when in fact the true speak is I don't want to be the man you need. But maybe that is just foggy talk. Can you 180 him?

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
sammie
♀ 7785
Member # 7785
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When someone tells you about themselves - LISTEN.

He is telling you the truth. He knows he wont/cant/isnt going to change.

I am sorry hon, but take him at his word. He likes what he does too much to change.

Huge hugs.


If someone loves you, it should feel like they love you.
Never give more of yourself than you are getting back.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." ~Ernest Hemingway


Posts: 5818 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Australia
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were in your shoes, I'd take him at face value and believe what he is telling you. He is telling you that he cannot/will not be the man you need.

This. And I think the IC is wrong with any indication about him being remorseful.

It sounds like he doesn't really see that he has done anything wrong, and if you cannot accept him the way he is, then you are the one with the problem. Harsh as this sounds, IMO he is right. You can't change anybody but yourself. You can't "make" him be remorseful. He either is, or he isn't (and I would say he isn't).

He told me last night that he thinks that he just isn't capable of being the husband that I want and that he's not sure if it is because I have unrealistic expectations, if he is just "self-righteous", or if we just have completely differing views of what fixing the M should look like. I told him I don't think I have unrealistic expectations
Sorry, but I feel you have unrealistic expectations for expecting a man like that to one day change into somebody else other than who he actually is. If you don't like "who he is" then my only suggestion would be to get a D and end this once and for all.

Posts: 5795 | Registered: Apr 2006
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And "the husband you want"? The one he says he can never be? Let's look at that "husband you want."

You want a husband who doesn't fuck other women.

Wow. That's such a high bar you've set there. I mean, gosh, no man could live up to your unreasonable expectations.

It makes me angry that he's got you even questioning yourself, looking for flaws in yourself. He has hurt you, deliberately, over and over. Now you are hurt. It's like he stabbed you and now he's annoyed that you bled on his shoes.

I'm sorry, BWinBC. But this is all on him. Don't take any of the blame for your hurt.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me as though he doesn't want to be a good husband.

It makes me angry that he's got you even questioning yourself, looking for flaws in yourself.
This was one of the hardest aspects of infidelity for me to reconcile, that my husband was not only willing to do what he did, but that he deliberately manipulated me to doubt myself and my worth---to make it easier for himself.

I struggle with a lot of anger--at MYSELF--for this. It's not particularly rational--I mean, I didn't realize how I was being manipulated until he was not even visible in the rearview mirror. But still. The seeds he planted grew, and I feel responsible for not pulling those weeds before they invaded my whole yard.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:10 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9161 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 13

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