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Wife had affair and says she is numb

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hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/11/2013 15:28 PM

I found out about my Wife's affair 3weeks ago (second in 5 years). Her reaction was not one of panic or tears but almost neutral.

She says she was mentally detached from me for over 5 years with much marital rewrite (I was the cause of all issues). She said she is sad and lonely with or without me and looked forward to being away from me whenever possible.

When she returned home she said she feels anxious and scared and not comfortable (all unknown to me).

We have three boys (17, 15, 13) and have had ongoing financial challenges (she is a SAHM). Talking money to her always caused stress so I avoided at my error.

She states she is not certain she wants to reconcile or split and that finances and the kids are her reason for staying for now. If she were able to she said she would leave the marriage and start anew.

It has been 3 weeks since the discovery and she still asks me to hug her to sleep at night but when she wakes up is as if she turns to ice - little affection, no intimacy, and little kissing.

Am I holding onto false hope that we can recover (I have stated I accept the marital issues and will work to address but assume no responsibility for her affair). Do I wait in limbo until she decides to try to move towards recovery?

toomanyregrets posted 10/11/2013 15:31 PM

I'm sorry your here.

Sounds like she's just waiting for the right OM to show up, then she's out the door.

"She's staying for the kids".
Not a good reason to me.

headdesk posted 10/11/2013 15:33 PM

Yeah...if she's already shut down and removed herself emotionally from you and the marriage there isn't a whole lot you can do. I'd 180 it and figure out how to keep yourself and your kids sane and happy as possible.

So sorry that it is happening to you again.

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/11/2013 15:35 PM

When I confronted her 3 weeks back the OM is a family friend and she said that it didn't matter who it was that our marriage was dead anyway and that she will need to figure out how to turn it back with OM to friend. She is still in communication with OM due to volunteer commitment and refuses to end all contact with him. He is 10 years older and married with 3 children of his own.

I really know that if we try we can both work to a better marriage for us and the family but she says she is scared and afraid that things will never get better.

Feel like giving up one day then trying to work on our marriage another. During the three week there has been zero focus from her on healing me...

hurtbyaffair1 posted 10/11/2013 15:39 PM

The shut out emotionally seemed to start when I confronted her - no signs prior, but she says she has been sad and miserable for 5 years and cries almost every day.

5454real posted 10/11/2013 15:47 PM

does the OM's wife know? that should be number one on your list.

sorry you've joined our club.

Thefly559 posted 10/11/2013 16:16 PM

your wife told you she has left the marriage and you emotionally 5 yrs ago , mine said the same. I feel your pain and I am sorry. you have to be strong here it is time to 180 and not let her continue this behavior ,She isn't sure ? than make the decision for her . I am telling you things I wish I did and looking back I should have did. you deserve better good luck and stay strong

annb posted 10/11/2013 16:25 PM

Hi, welcome to the club no one wants to join. So sorry you find yourself here.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Chock full of great information that will help you process this nightmare.

You want your wife to stop contact with OM? Inform the OM's wife what has been going on. Nothing like killing the secret fantasy than throwing light on the affair. Do not tell your wife if you decide to do this, she and OM will collaborate their bed of lies to make you look like a jealous husband.

You cannot reconcile your marriage of OM is still in the picture. I will ALMOST guarantee that when his wife finds out, OM will throw your wife under the bus without ever looking back.

Good luck.

Edited to add: Please scroll down and read the threads in this forum (currently on page 1) that have a target icon on the left-hand side.

My personal favorites are Tactical Primer and Before You Say Reconcile.

[This message edited by annb at 4:26 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 10/11/2013 16:35 PM

Sorry you are here hurt, we have been here before.

Of course it's your fault. It is always the betrayed spouse's fault. We didn't do enough, we weren't affectionate enough, we weren't meeting their needs. Yadda fucking yadda.

This is a bullshit re-write to justify their shitty behavior. It has to be the betrayed's fault, otherwise, what kind of person are there.

I wouldn't be surprised if nearly all of the betrayed were at some point blamed for their spouses affair. Don't accept it, it's bullshit. My wife did it to me for the first six months after DDAY. And you know she has accepted that her excuses were just bullshit justification.

First. You need to tell the other wife. Today. Gently and with evidence. She deserves to know the truth. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this...she will submarine your efforts. Just do it. Nothing ends an affair quicker than exposure. And you know that the right thing to do is to tell her. You aren't the one doing any damage to her, that damage has already been done by your wife and him.

Second. Go see a lawyer. Figure out what your rights are. There are children involved and you need to know how to protect yourself. Whether you divorce or not, you need to know all the information.

Fuck her decision whether she wants to reconcile or split. A two time cheating wife isn't the prize. The faithful husband is the prize. The choice to give her the chance to reconcile is yours. Not hers. Don't give her that power. You can't love her back. You already loved her before and it wasn't enough for her. You cannot love a spouses head out of their asses. Believe me, I tried and failed.


Read up on the 180 in healing library. Implement it for you and your children.

Fifth. If you do want to give her a chance at reconciliation. No contact with this family friend. They cant' turn it back into a can she remain friends with the person that just helped destroy your entire family? Ain't gonna work.

Sorry you are here Hurt. Stay strong. Post. Read the healing library. Breathe.

Come on down to the Betrayed Men thread in the "I can relate forum" There are a lot of guys in there that have been exactly where you are now. We know what works and what doesn't. We know because we have lived it.

SerJR posted 10/11/2013 17:00 PM

Welcome here brother,

You've gotten some great advice so far.

I also wish to echo what SuperDuper said...
The affair is not your fault. It was a selfish and destructive choice that your WW made. It is not a reflection on you as a husband or a human being. You may hear all this bullshit about exit affairs... and it is indeed, in most cases, bullshit. It's much easier to tell one's self lies about why you were forced to make hurtful choices than it is to face one's self. Many WW's can't face the idea of "being a homewrecker" and thus they tell themselves they must have never loved their husband, or they had no choice, and all sort of garbage.

She states she is not certain she wants to reconcile or split

You are looking at this from the wrong perspective.
It is you who decides whether you wish to reconcile or split. She's the one who got your marriage into this mess - you are the one who decides what it is that YOU need if you are to stay in this marriage.
She is taking the easy way out, not committing to a decision, and not doing anything to improve the situation. When a WS is sitting on the fence... kick over the damned fence.
I suggest you read up on the 180 and learn to focus on care for yourself independent of her so that you are moving forward with your life. I suggest that you consult a lawyer to find out what your rights are. I suggest that you ensure you are not financing the affair by protecting your finances. And I suggest that you let your wife know that you will not stay in a marriage in which you are not being treated with respect. Work on two fronts - making your marriage attractive by focusing on taking care of yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and respect, and make the affair a bad place to be by letting her deal with the consequences of her decisions.

Above all else - keep faith in yourself and stay true to who you are. You have value. You have worth. You have rights.

ZedLeppelin posted 10/12/2013 00:17 AM

I have a lot of respect for volunteers who do important work for no money.

However! Why is she volunteering when you have financial difficulties? Tell her to get a job.

stronger08 posted 10/12/2013 04:53 AM

I have a very hard time with people who stay in bad marriages due to financial issues. This mainly come from being raised in a home that was filled with tension because of parents who should have D but never did citing us kids and financial issues. That said I feel its a cop out answer. There are many ways to get ones self out of a financial bind. Up to and including bankruptcy. Granted that's the most severe of choices. But a person can always consolidate debt, get a second job, she can go back to work, cut corners etc. I once had a PM conversation with a member who could not afford to pay their bills. I suggested bankruptcy. They countered with "That will ruin my credit" I said your not paying your bills as it is. WTF do you think your credit looks like now ? This person took my advice and started to rebuild her life. That included filing for D from her unremorseful WH. She had stayed with that dude and put up with his emotional torture for years because of financial issues. Once she made the decision to get her financial house in order and start over again D was a natural byproduct of the process. I'm happy to say that she is doing well these days.

Personally I was lucky enough to have a well paying job during my M. Yet even with that I had a few years of financial disaster because of my XWW affairs and our subsequent D. She ran up tens of thousands in CC debt behind my back. After the D the IRS came calling looking for almost 6 figures because she never incorporated her home business like she claimed to have done years before. I was fucked to the max because of my XWW. But the silver lining here was that I was able to negotiate, settle with and pay off what I owed. And the only reason I could do that was because I had D my XWW. Without that constant interference of her emotional abuse I could think clearly and came up with a game plan. Sure it was rough for a few years. But I was able to retire at 50 and live an OK life.

My point in all of this babble is that as long as you sit there taking her crap things will never change. In fact they will get worse. Your never going to be able to get out of your financial hole as long as her abusive ass is in your life. Get rid of the problem and the solution falls into place. You have to take that proverbial leap of faith and just do it. File for D and fuck the financial problems for the time being. Throw her cheating ass out. Once she is gone you will be able to think clearly and get yourself and your finances straight. But as long as you allow her to drag you down, down is where your gonna stay. When there is a will, there is a way. Trust me, inaction never changes anything. Take the first step towards recovery and do what you need to do. Good luck brother.

jjct posted 10/12/2013 05:32 AM

You have received the best advice from some of SI's heavy hitters
Kick over the damned fence!

Hug her to sleep?
eff that!

The answer to working on "marriage issues" is;
"What marriage? The one you killed?"

Inside yourself, you know what you did or didn't do in the past, and you will work on yourself to become a better person in the future, but for now?
Any and all discussion of "marriage issues" should be stomped on and stopped by your heavy, ass-kicking boot.

It's a common "dodge" used on men in particular - by unremorseful, cake-eating WW's - to get you all tangled up in anything else, but their issues.

You don't hang out in limbo waiting for her.

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