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cmego posted 10/11/2013 15:38 PM

Just curious...over thinking, as usual.

Received a great email from a guy on OLD last weekend. He asked me to go to a festival and concert this weekend within like the third email, I responded I'd rather meet for coffee first...that was a lot of time together for a first date. We didn't even know if we liked each other yet.

He asked for my number, called me that night, asked me for coffee the next day. We met, had a great 45 minute coffee meet. He called me that night and we talked for 1.5 hours. Then texted me yesterday again.

He didn't clarify this weekend, so I asked if he was still up for that, and I kinda felt a brush off, or a miscommunication. He said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to be up for it, so I asked some other folks to go with me." I responded with, "Ok, have fun! I had a girlfriend ask me to go to dinner, so I'm headed out with her." (Which I did...)

Today, I texted him a quick "Hi" and we chatted for a few.

As of this point, he has not secured the next date. I also noticed he hasn't complimented me except for "You are such a positive person" and "You are really impressive".

So, I'm over thinking now. If he was going to poof after coffee b/c he thinks I'm a troll...he should have poof'ed by now. He also told me he is fairly new to OLD but I am the only person he has asked to meet so far. Although still S, he can file this month (1 year wait here), and is a BS, and has dated two other women before me. I've not seen a single red flag.

I'm not sure I get the talking every day, good conversation, but...hasn't really asked me out again. Hasn't poofed, still calling/texting.

What say SI? I usually get a "poof vibe" from guys now, and I don't have the poof vibe, but I"m more wondering if I've been friend-zoned and don't know.

Sad in AZ posted 10/11/2013 16:29 PM

Ok; I'm by no means an expert, but my gut feeling is that he was fishing to see how 'easy' you were with the concert invite. When you didn't bite, he tried the coffee route to get an in-person read. He's seen that you are not going to give it up immediately, so he's moving on.

I'll stop short of calling him a player, but I think he's just out for a good time.

Crescita posted 10/11/2013 16:33 PM

It does seem the signals he is giving off are a bit mixed. Maybe he came on too strongly in the beginning so he is hesitant to make another move???

That or he could be dipping his toes in multidating, and slowing things down for that reason.

I'd give him a clear open to set up another date, and if he waffles again move on. His reasoning doesn't really matter if you aren't looking for a phone pal.

Ms_Strong posted 10/11/2013 16:53 PM

He is sending confusing signals. If he was interested in you, he still could have invited you to go along with his friends to the concert. Maybe he felt rejected when he brought it up the first time?
It can be disappointing when a guy makes a date idea and doesn't follow through...he might be one of those guys. Maybe he is not sure yet whether he's into you or not...Give it some time, don't make him your dating focus, and if there is a spark, then go out with him and see how it goes. Early days yet. But I think he sounds like he is the type to bring up an event/date idea and change plans so just be careful not to revolve your life around his. I dated someone like this and often felt let down.

GabyBaby posted 10/11/2013 17:07 PM

I think Sad in Az nailed it in one.

I.will.survive posted 10/11/2013 19:09 PM

He said, "I wasn't sure if you were going to be up for it, so I asked some other folks to go with me."

Hmm, I don't really like his answer since you had already met for your coffee date. He should have known right then and there if he was physically attracted to you enough to want to meet again in person.

Not asking you to join his friends is understandable since you don't know each other THAT well yet. But I wish he would have asked you BEFORE asking them, after your coffee date.

But maybe he was afraid to ask again and be shot down again so he's going the phone route for now.

Stay tuned and open. Maybe he'll ask you out again after this weekend.

cmego posted 10/11/2013 21:48 PM

Somehow I missed that I shot him down, but that seems to be the consensus. It isn't like we had been talking for weeks, or lengthy emails. It was a few days of light emails when he asked me to a long first date. Not my style. I guess I should have gushed more..."I'd LOVE to go if we like each other at coffee!!!!!"

In my head I was thinking, "What if this guy is a dweeb, or weird, or I'm exhausted from studying all week?" I've never had someone ask me for a long date without at least meeting for coffee. I felt like it went backwards.

He was throwing hints at coffee, touching my arm, turned toward me, we had good conversation. I told him my schedule for that day, he remembered and texted me after my class to check on me, then called me and we talked another 1.5 hours. All signs that he was paying attention and was interested.

I was honestly surprised with the "I wasn't sure you would be interested, so I invited other folks."

Still learning...

She11ybeanz posted 10/11/2013 22:02 PM

I think him "inviting other folks" instead really translates into "asked another girl on that date" instead! He is obviously multi-dating.....likes you and wants his cake and eat it too....and is unsure of the other girls he is dating so he is stringing you along until he figures out WHO or the WHOS that he wants to go further with...

I'm almost afraid to throw it out there....but the email invite that you got from him inviting you to the festival.....was it tailored to YOU or was it generic in nature? In that....I mean, could he have forwarded the same email to a bunch of women at the same time just to find one who would agree to the date? Then, when you turned him down....another girl took him up on it...but he thought..."hey....I can go to coffee with this pretty girl...AND the festival with this one.." WIN WIN for him!

I can't just seems exhausting to me. I've caught myself talking to a guy on a 1st date and mentioning something I had said to another guy in an email from OLD.....THINKING I had talked to this guy about the same thing and was wrong.....and then felt foolish. I don't know how people do it.... just like cheating. I could never pull it off...nor would I want to. It just seems impossible to keep up with several people at once! I prefer to focus my attention..... but maybe I will get better at it over time....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:07 PM, October 11th (Friday)]

cmego posted 10/11/2013 22:28 PM

No, I didn't get the feeling at all that it was a "fishing" email.

He even told me at coffee that he had been on OLD a few weeks and I was the first person he asked to meet. He didn't say I was the "only" person, just the first, and I caught that subtle difference.

I don't know. I'll stop thinking about it by tomorrow and move on.

I don't multidate. I've responded to one other email since he has asked me out...because, well...I like to see where things are going to go. I don't have the time to juggle, nor the interest. One day I'll find a guy who thinks the same way.

If he is multi-dating, then I'm out. It is just that simple to me.

little turtle posted 10/12/2013 08:27 AM

I'm not sure what your expectations are from a guy that you just met. He asked you to the festival. You told him, no, coffee first. Meanwhile, he asked someone else, or made plans with friends, for the festival. You clarified that you were not going with him since you had dinner plans. It's possible that he is meeting someone else the other weekend day.

You said he's still talking to you. What more do you want?

When I was dating, I went out with different people at the same time. Mostly meeting new ones and hanging out with others. No relationships were developing at that point and none lasted more than a month. Well, one guy was a friend that I hung out with, but he may have been interested in more. Anyway, what's wrong with him meeting new people and seeing who is interested, who he likes, before committing? Perhaps he already had plans with someone else this weekend before you went out for coffee. She could have asked him...

Point is, there are many unknowns and it's very early into your "relationship." What would you like from him? Do you want to date him? Does he know you are interested? Should he have asked you out this far in advance for next weekend?

cmego posted 10/12/2013 09:05 AM


I hear what you are saying.

I'm not worried about "will he or won't he" any longer. Frustrated some last night, but let it go.

I know, when I was dating in my youth, college and post college, there was never any doubt what the guy wanted, or I wanted. It just...was. No worries of multi-dating. The relationships happened so easy, and...for me...all long term committed relationships. It is where I am most comfortable.

My point, for ME, is that I don't multidate. I am not programmed to understand it at all. I've tried dating other people who are openly multidating, and I shut it down.

I see that I should have "gushed" a bit more...I guess...when he asked me out and... I didn't. I DID tell him that I would love to meet him for coffee, and thanked him for asking me and when he texted me to thank me, I complimented him. I think I've thrown enough hints, and responded favorably, that he should know I'm at least open to meeting him again.

I get multi-dating is fine for some people. I just know it isn't right for me, so I detach from the process.

I just have to find a like-minded guy.

What do I want? I want to not have to wonder. I am assuming when I meet the right one, I won't have to wonder.

LearningToRun posted 10/12/2013 09:27 AM

Not divorced yet? He's totally in the sow his oats phase. Tis screams multi dater all over it to me, and franky, that's ok at this point.
One coffee date does not equal exclusive.
(so yeah, you are over thinking and over invested)
Step back and let him step up. If he doesn't, he isn't the right guy for you. And no, you shouldn't have gushed. This isn't performance art.

SeanFLA posted 10/12/2013 09:42 AM

From a guy point of view, yeah he's probably sowing some oats. Two views of this. First, yeah he's talking or dating others. He's on OLD isn't he? So are you. We try on different people to see who might be a match. But he said you're the first, so there you go. You shot him down on his invite then revisited it again after you met. I understand he could have laid off the gas pedal a bit on the first date, but that can be very confusing and frustrating to a guy. He's just as new to this dating thing as you are and we all make dating mistakes.

But secondly, he really needs to get his business done first. I wouldn't date separated women. Regardless of the laws or whatever. There's still too much baggage there to deal with. If I saw a woman with a separated status it was like...ok next. I don't want to hear the excuses as to why the aren't divorced yet. Generally it's the financial excuse in my state because we don't have a year separation law here. I dont want to deal with that either. A year is not thst long to wait. But regardless....get your business done first. It's better for both parties.

InnerLight posted 10/12/2013 11:18 AM

The way I would read it is that he is exploring dating on OLD and since you said no to the concert he asked another woman. Maybe it was friends, maybe an OLD dating partner. It doesn't matter. You said no and then brought it up again creating an awkward moment. Perhaps in that little mini cloud of awkwardness he is hesitant to ask you out again because he doesn't want to be turned down.

I don't think you should have gushed. I would have done the same as you. A concert is way too much for the first date. He is new to OLD and after his first hellish overly long first date he will get it.

Talking for 90 minutes with a new guy is an overinvestment of time early on to me. It implies a stronger bond than exists - who else do you give 90 minutes of your precious time to? It contributes to the whole overthinking thing that is so easy to do.

He doesn't know how best to do OLD any more than you do. It's a challenge all around. I would let it go and not assume the worst of him. He didn't do anything wrong. It's great if goes on a few other dates with women. Hopefully he will get himself better educated on dating! He may well remember your great coffee date conversation and call you and ask you out later on. You may not be available by then and that's just too bad for him.

The term 'multidating' is really misleading. Are you really dating a man with whom you share one coffee and an overly long phone call? I don't think so.

cmego posted 10/12/2013 12:21 PM

When he told me I was the first person he asked to meet, I actually thought "uh-oh", but then I asked how much dating he has done. It was a good conversation. He didn't seem to be in a "sowing his oats" mind-set. Most guys are perfectly honest that they are multi-dating. I looked for red flags, and even told him I was hesitant because he is still S, but he gave me the reassurance he is filing this month. I have known couples that dated while S, and have been successful, I don't judge someone's ability to date based on an arbitrary date set by the court system in my state.

It doesn't really matter, I've let it go for now. If I hear from him, great. If I don't, great.

I don't get the concept of multi-dating, and we have had this discussion before on SI. I know I'm in the minority. But, in all seriousness, as soon as I am emailing with a guy...that means I have an interest and I'm not emailing with anyone else. In my head it has to go "Yes" or "No". There are no other options for me. I am incapable of multi-dating and, at 43 years old, I'm not going to change, nor do I want to. It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

I don't want to argue why my belief is right or wrong, it is just who I am and I've come to accept that part of my personality. It is what makes me monogamous, I can only focus on one person at a time. In the last week/week and half, I've had 43 emails from guys. I've responded to two.

Discussing this with an RL friend, I know I need to learn to be more careful with a man's ego. It is as delicate as mine. He made a few hints of being insecure, and I didn't hop on them and "pump him up", which is a trait I learned with my ex. If I pumped up ex, then his ego was so huge his head would barely fit through the door. Complimenting a guy is not second nature to me yet.

I gotta work on that, remembering that if a guy asks me out, they are taking a chance on me too.

msk99 posted 10/12/2013 12:48 PM

It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

Well said.

As a guy I may be in the real slim minority, but multidating is not something I'll ever do. Just doesn't work for me. Perhaps I'm strange idk.

InnerLight posted 10/12/2013 15:37 PM

Wow. I had no idea that people think emailing + coffee + phone call = dating. SI is so good for me to hear other points of view.

cmego posted 10/12/2013 17:53 PM

I would not say "dating", there is no right term for this "figuring out" time. It is a "grey area".

I wouldn't have the amount of time I put into this guy over the past week or so...into multiple guys. He initiated all of the contact, I accepted. Maybe that is part of it, my time is quite limited, so it is easier to talk to only one at a time, until it is a "yes" or a "no" from either me or him.

After our coffee, I was a "maybe"...and that is the best I ever am after a first meet. I'm either a "NO" or a "maybe", and need further dates to decide.

So, let's see, I put in 2 or so hours into emails, coffee+ plus drive time, over an hour, then 2 phone calls at almost 3 hours, then texting of another hour. So, at least 7+ hours of my very limited time invested in a week. That is a lot of time for me to give a person, some of it cutting into my sleep time, some into my study time...but time I am willing to give because I DO want a relationship. I thought we were investing the time because he asked me for the "long date" and I would only go if I was slightly worth it to me.

I would be exhausted if I did that for multiple guys. I guess, in a way I can only focus on one at a time.

ruinedandbroken posted 10/12/2013 19:29 PM

I don't get the concept of multi-dating, and we have had this discussion before on SI. I know I'm in the minority. But, in all seriousness, as soon as I am emailing with a guy...that means I have an interest and I'm not emailing with anyone else. In my head it has to go "Yes" or "No". There are no other options for me. I am incapable of multi-dating and, at 43 years old, I'm not going to change, nor do I want to. It is a wonderful part of who I am, and I like it.

If you're in the minority then so am I. :)

InnerLight posted 10/13/2013 01:23 AM

I agree that your time is very precious so I think you are over giving to someone who has done very little for you but buy you a coffee. Giving 7 hours of your time like this is not healthy and its not necessary to do this to find a good relationship. I think this has more to do with over giving than being constitutionally unable to 'multidate'.

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