I really think its because hes having a hard time seeing the way his A has affected me. Weight loss, anxiety, anger, depression, stress, sleep deprivation....you all know how long the list of A side effects.
H's friend from work got his car fixed so he rode with him to work today. Hes at the job where the whore works as well. I flip out on those days. Its all I can do to not become a raging, angry lunatic. Im still new to this 'game' so of course most of these days I lose the battle of the wills and flip out.
H called me about an hour before his lunch break, after our 15 min conversation on his first break about how all this has affected me and all the feelings etc etc. He asked that if he could get a half day of vacation approved from his boss if I would want to come pick him up from work. He says he wants to spend a few hours with me before I go to work. He gets it approved and I get the kids ready and we make the 45 minute drive to his work.
About 15 minutes away from there I'm pretty sure I had a panic/anxiety attack. I realize I'm about to be very close to the OW. The OW I haven't seen in person but know exactly what she looks like thanks to Facebook. I literally felt like I couldn't breath, I felt like I was in a fog, light headed, tears, shallow breaths that didn't seem to be supplying any oxygen. The minutes couldn't tick by fast enough, several times I thought of turning around and not even going but I couldn't stop driving.
I get there and have to pull it together bc H is outside with his supervisor and besides I need to compose myself in case I need to beat the ass off that little whore. I have a really strong fantasy of that, makes me happy to think of her hurting physically but I know in time that will pass, please don't judge me
H gets in the car, I'm still in a daze, he asks to drive. I'm like no I got this just sit there and don't speak bc I'm pissed. As soon as we get back on the road I start bawling, and freaking out again. Repeat all of the above from the ride there.
Suddenly he says "Damn baby! Are you serious? After all this time you're still like this? I'm starting to think you're making some of this shit up?" Wait! What. The. Eff?!?!?! Hell no you did NOT just say that!
I yanked my hand away from his and directed him to not speak or touch me the rest of the way home. I just couldn't believe he would say something like that.
He tried for over an hour to take it back. He said he didn't mean it, its so hard to see me this way, he understands hes the reason I'm hurting, hes the reason I'm having all these issues, hes the reason Im depressed etc. Hes so sorry please lets have a good afternoon let him make it up to me, he loves me all the right things I guess. Then he starts scrubbing the bathroom, I guess in an attempt to show me how sorry he is.
How does he even think that saying something like that was appropriate? I can understand things slipping out but really? That? You cant fake something like this, how do you fake this kind of pain? Its not like I'm pretending to be sick so I can skip school, this is real serious stuff!